Over the Shock and GALing 6

[Thinker]

I have an appointment with my C today. My w wants to come with me to "discuss what is going on". She's arranged a babysitter, etc.

I'm not sure I want her to come. On one hand, it is a good opportunity to talk about things, and I am glad she wants to talk, but A) I am still thinking through things and B) I am afraid that it will either become a session where she complains about what I am doing wrong (if I stay silent and just listen) or will become an angry finger pointing session if I start to talk about what I am angry about. Especially while I am still Angry.

What I am angry about:
- I am angry that she uses me as a scapegoat for her unhappiness
- I am angry that she refuses to take responsibility for or even to think about her own issues and her own role in the R.
- I am angry that she dismisses my feelings, etc.
- I am angry that when I focus on myself and make improvements, she uses these merely as proof that things were wrong and that it was my fault.
- I am angry that she refuses to do any work on the M, sabotaging any effort (as she did at Retro, etc)
- I am angry that she doesn't fight fair
- I am angry that she uses a circular argument to justify her position: I don't have feelings for you, therefore I don't want to have feelings for you, therefore I don't let myself have fun when I am with you and refuse to establish any sort of connection, therefore we never have fun and have no sort of connection, therefore I have no feelings for you.
- I am angry that she refuses to let go of the distant past - continuously going back to the way things were in the first years of our M.
- I am angry that she keeps score, recording debits in the negative column while noting ANYTHING positive about me or the R.
- I am angry that she refuses to acknowledge that I help her or support her in any way.

I know that all of this is pointing the finger at her, and I know I still have work to do on my own and I should be focused on me, but...

I don't want to live with this any more.

As discussed yesterday, I want a cooling off period to think about things.

On the other hand, it might be good to finally have a C session where we actually discuss HER issues rather than mine. I'm not sure, however, that she is capable of doing that.