Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

Hi P17, puppy is right, the more that you get into this, the more you will see that DBing and its principles can be used in almost any type of relationship you enter into. Shes doing it to you, and its going to sabotage your efforts if you let it!

My actions at the moments, other than contact with my daughter is NC and to drop the rope. It's not easy but I am, at least today, in the right frame of mind to do this. My first victory was on Monday when she wanted to come over to talk and I was busy. She wanted to tell me about OM moving up here. I *think* she has went into a mood about that because she has still not told me about the OM even by text, letter or phone call. She expected me to be there and when I wasn't she wasn't pleased. At least that's why *I* think.

The more she tugs on the rope, the more she is keeping me dangling. Friends feel that this is to keep me as Plan B until she is confident the OM is what she wants. I don't know if that's true but it makes sense at least. I want to drop that rope and make sure when she next tugs that all she gets back is an empty end of rope.

So what do I do?
How do I not let it affect my efforts?
Why is she doing this - is it to keep me as Plan B and dangling?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Friends feel that this is to keep me as Plan B until she is confident the OM is what she wants.

This is VERY typical, especially for women. The metaphor that I use is that it's like two plates spinning on sticks; she will occasionally come back to your plate and give it a few spins (be nice to you, try to ML, throw you a bone, etc.), to make sure it's spinning while she goes back to the OM stick/plate.

Puppy

[P17]

This is VERY typical, especially for women. The metaphor that I use is that it's like two plates spinning on sticks; she will occasionally come back to your plate and give it a few spins (be nice to you, try to ML, throw you a bone, etc.), to make sure it's spinning while she goes back to the OM stick/plate.

What do I do about it to keep things on my terms (if you see what I mean) and stop her sabotaging my DBing?

Do I make sure when she comes back to my stick that the plate is gone (ie. I keep doing the 180, GALing and drop the rope) so there is nothing there to spin? The only thing that is left for her is the OM plate?

[ClingingToHope]

She can't sabotage your DBing. Only you can do that.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She can't sabotage your DBing. Only you can do that.

BINGO.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Do I make sure when she comes back to my stick that the plate is gone (ie. I keep doing the 180, GALing and drop the rope) so there is nothing there to spin? The only thing that is left for her is the OM plate?

Yes, exactly. But you don't do it to get a REACTION out of her; you should be GENUINELY going out and doing things for YOU that you've always wanted to do.

She needs to wonder if she hasn't already lost you.

[P17]

Yes, exactly. But you don't do it to get a REACTION out of her; you should be GENUINELY going out and doing things for YOU that you've always wanted to do.

At the moment that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm going out and having fun for me and I am actually having a great time. I wish I done while I was married to be perfectly honest! But hindsight is a b***h.

She needs to wonder if she hasn't already lost you.

Now all I need to worry about is if she cares - the signals to me say she is checking me out but maybe I am reading too much into it.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Now all I need to worry about is if she cares - the signals to me say she is checking me out but maybe I am reading too much into it.

No.

No, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO!!

This is NOT ABOUT HER. It's about YOU. If you're doing these things to get a reaction out of her "that she cares," then you are not yet differentiated and detached.

It's a powerful, simple (but NOT easy) concept, but DBing is primarily about making YOU a better YOU. In so doing, you will BECOME a potentially more attractive spouse.

Puppy

[theoden]

Now all I need to worry about is if she cares - the signals to me say she is checking me out but maybe I am reading too much into it.

Puppy already said it: No no no.

You are REACTING to her, trying to get a rise out of her, trying to see if she cares, etc. As long as you do this, she's in control. You still fear losing her. As long as she smells that fear and desperation, she'll continue to keep control in this situation.

You are not attractive if you are reactive and walking on eggshells.

You see, your wife, right now, really doesn't care what you think. Get this in your head...I'll say it again. RIGHT NOW...she DOESN'T CARE. She acts freely and in her own temporary emotional self-interest. She holds the power. that's why Puupy says she's out divorce-busting you. She doesn't fear losing you. Cause she wants the OM and she knows you'll come back to her at a moment's notice. In fact, if you got hit by a car and died, she'd feel relieved. And all WAS are, more or less like this. They can snap out of it, however.

The only way to detach is not to play mental games, or try techniques, it's to actually care for yourself and become a strong, centered, open-hearted, powerful man. It's time you became a warrior.

Here's something of a plan.

1. Speak to a lawyer/solicitor. Make sure your rights/assets are protected.

2. Read Divorce Recovery. I suggest you look at the sections on Infidelity and the Last Resort Technique (LRT). Remember the LRT is only a temporary measure to restore your sanity and give you modicum of self-respect. Its really a technique..it's a way to artifically regain composure and control. What will REALLY give you control is a strong sense of self and getting rid of the fear of losing your wife. I know...easier said than done.

3. Stop chasing, pleading, threatening your wife, communicating with OM, etc. It signals desperation and weakness -- definitely not a turn-on.

4. Regarding your daughter, it's up to you to determine what's best for her. She's not a weapon to "get" at your wife.

5. In terms of regaining your sense of self, I recommend three books in the following order: 1. No More Mr. Nice Guy. 2. Hold on to your N.U.T.S and 3. The Way of The Superior Man. All you really need is No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's full of exercizes that focus on YOU, not your wife. It's a systematic plan for helping you become a stong, centered, integrated man. Once that happens, your wife won't become the center (idol) of your life. If your changes are in order to win her back, then she'll though them and still remain the one who holds the power.

6. The one who wants/needs the marriage MORE gives up their power.

7. Regaining your power means to stop trying to act in attempt to get her to do something or come back.

8. You don't need her to be happy.

Best of luck..I will pray for you today.

[P17]

You are REACTING to her, trying to get a rise out of her, trying to see if she cares, etc. As long as you do this, she's in control. You still fear losing her. As long as she smells that fear and desperation, she'll continue to keep control in this situation.

You are not attractive if you are reactive and walking on eggshells.

You're right. I am still afraid and trying to analyse every little thing to see if she cares or not. I need to stop doing that but as you said, it's easier said than done.

You see, your wife, right now, really doesn't care what you think. Get this in your head...I'll say it again. RIGHT NOW...she DOESN'T CARE. She acts freely and in her own temporary emotional self-interest. She holds the power. that's why Puupy says she's out divorce-busting you. She doesn't fear losing you. Cause she wants the OM and she knows you'll come back to her at a moment's notice. In fact, if you got hit by a car and died, she'd feel relieved. And all WAS are, more or less like this. They can snap out of it, however.

I think I'll actually keep that last paragraph somewhere safe so I can refer to it.

The only way to detach is not to play mental games, or try techniques, it's to actually care for yourself and become a strong, centered, open-hearted, powerful man. It's time you became a warrior.

I am trying this and making some headway. Things keep sucking me back in again. I need to stop letting them.

Here's something of a plan.

1. Speak to a lawyer/solicitor. Make sure your rights/assets are protected.

Done. Hopefully I will have a draft separation agreement next week and she will have the final one soon afterwards.

2. Read Divorce Recovery. I suggest you look at the sections on Infidelity and the Last Resort Technique (LRT). Remember the LRT is only a temporary measure to restore your sanity and give you modicum of self-respect. Its really a technique..it's a way to artifically regain composure and control. What will REALLY give you control is a strong sense of self and getting rid of the fear of losing your wife. I know...easier said than done.

A lot easier said than done. But I understand that once the fear is gone I can act in a way that benefits me and not her.

3. Stop chasing, pleading, threatening your wife, communicating with OM, etc. It signals desperation and weakness -- definitely not a turn-on.

Done that already. The only communication is about my daughter.

4. Regarding your daughter, it's up to you to determine what's best for her. She's not a weapon to "get" at your wife.

That is really difficult for me. After everything she has done I don't know if she should see my daughter again as she's a very poor role model. However my daughter does want to see her and they have a close relationship. I am simply playing this one by ear.

5. In terms of regaining your sense of self, I recommend three books in the following order: 1. No More Mr. Nice Guy. 2. Hold on to your N.U.T.S and 3. The Way of The Superior Man. All you really need is No More Mr. Nice Guy. It's full of exercizes that focus on YOU, not your wife. It's a systematic plan for helping you become a stong, centered, integrated man. Once that happens, your wife won't become the center (idol) of your life. If your changes are in order to win her back, then she'll though them and still remain the one who holds the power.

Some of the changes I made were actually in place before she left so they are for me not her.
I have the NMMNG book and have been slowly working my way through it.

6. The one who wants/needs the marriage MORE gives up their power.

That's me at the moment. Finally letting go of my wife will allow me to keep my power.

7. Regaining your power means to stop trying to act in attempt to get her to do something or come back.

Because I fear losing her that's what I'm doing. I need to lose that fear.

8. You don't need her to be happy.

I am actually, slowing, beginning to understand that.

Best of luck..I will pray for you today.

Thanks Theoden, I appreciate it.