Trust your instincts. Has she taken out a bunch of money? If she hasn't I wouldn't push it until you are ready.
Only thing she's done is cash in a nice chunk of her 401K...which she told me about ahead of time...and she opened up a new checking acct to deposit it into. She cashed in more than I would've expected though. She hasn't touched any of the joint funds & has kept up on paying our normal monthly bills.
Last edited by etrain; 10/15/0902:06 PM.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Also, W's "what I'd like to take w/ me when I move out" list was more than fair, IMO...no major appliances, beds, couches, sofas, etc. Nothing on there that would require me to immediately go out & purchase a replacement in order to live.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
I'm so torn. If I initiate this convo, there's a good chance it pushes her out the door if she is having 2nd thoughts.
I'll try to have a talk w/ her tonight. It's not going to be easy.
Trust your instincts. Has she taken out a bunch of money? If she hasn't I wouldn't push it until you are ready.
When you do talk, if she balks, do not make some grand speech about protecting yourself. I'm taking a marriage rebuilders class -- by myself -- and one section was on communication.
If she gets upset about the financial steps you've taken, ask her why she is upset. Let her talk. Don't use it as a chance to make your own points. That will push her out the door.
Defensiveness kills more marriages than infidelity.
With all due respect, I couldn't disagree more. "If she hasn't taken out a bunch of money"??? What, he should wait until the horses are out, and THEN lock the barn door?
Seeking immediate legal advice, firewalling your finances, and getting medically tested if you've had unprotected sex with a spouse found to be wayward, are all STANDARD precautions.
No grand speeches -- just a calm, simple, "I'm doing what I feel is right," that's all.
Also, W's "what I'd like to take w/ me when I move out" list was more than fair, IMO...no major appliances, beds, couches, sofas, etc. Nothing on there that would require me to immediately go out & purchase a replacement in order to live.
E, the reason for firewalling your family's finances is because wayward spouses tend to be all over the road emotionally, and driven by a HUGE sense of entitlement. It is infrequent, but NOT rare, that they will run up a joint credit card and/or drain a family's funds after confrontation, exposure, OM/OW putting pressure on them, or even just on an entitled whim. Her brain is awash with PEAs and she's "in the fog" right now, but even more importantly you're protecting yourself against a possible FUTURE mood and action of hers.
Your call -- I've said my peace. I did it, never needed it, but would do it again. While she never drained our accounts, my wife did some things that I NEVER would have expected her to, including trying to pawn jewelry I had given to her as gifts, and borrowing her legal retainer FROM HER BOYFRIEND.
Thanks Puppy. This is going to be a difficult decision for me. My W has already done some things I never expected her to....most notably going on a date with OM while I watched our son. She hasn't done anything with our finances...but if she does, it will already be too late to react.
We've been uncomfortably living together & avoiding any S or M discussions for a week now. We both HATE confrontation so that's probably why neither of us wants to initiate the discussion.
I know it needs to be done...and I'll try to have this discussion before the weekend.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
Someone else on this very forum, about a year ago (and we remain in touch), found out his wife was having sex in their car, with his 1-year old less than two feet away in the car seat!!
As well he should have. That's incredibly disturbing. I'd like to think not every spouse is capable of that, but then again we're all on here for a reason.
M30,W40,SD10,D7,S6-T9,M7 Sep 6/09 7/09 - "Moving on with my life, you should too" My Story
That's an awful story, Puppy. Absolutely disgusting!
I've been doing some thinking today and I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this. It's as if W & I are enemies living under the same roof, sneaking around & doing stuff when the other one isn't around. secret bank accounts, snooping, covering our tracks, an affair...it's out of control. Neither of us can eat or sleep & I can barely function at work. I need sleeping pills to fall asleep. I'm on anti-depressants.
It's just SO uncomfortable right now that it's ruining my life. Maybe she needs to move out for this to get any better. How long can we go on like this? I'm questioning everything right now.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
You could be describing what our household was like. It lasted like that for a couple of months -- some days better than others -- and then it got a little more comfortable, mostly just because we both got skilled at scheduling our days to avoid each other, and at dealing with each other without any angry outbursts.
Thankfully, we busted her affair in under three months. Some take much longer.
What you describe is EXACTLY why I'm such a strong proponent of trying to bust affairs as fast as possible, rather than the "Little Bo-Peep" approach (you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them"). Every month an affair continues, is another month of the kind of turmoil for the betrayed spouse that you describe above, not to mention the financial and even medical risks that continue.
