Well W B-day went pretty good. She wanted to go to this restaurant that she heard was good. (We went with our son Not a date). Well when we got there only one other couple was eating. When we got our menus they did not have anything but hamburgers and sandwiches. (Not what I call going out to dinner) BUT it was W B-day so it was her choice. We ordered and W had 2 glasses of wine and I had 2 beers and the bill was $90.63… WHAT? We could have done a lot better than burgers for that but I did not say anything. W however spoke up and said it was not worth it and wanted a “do over dinner” I said no problem. After dinner when we got home I went to “my room” to watch T.V soon son came in and laid on my bed with me and started watching too. Then W came in and lay down on the other side of son and started watching T.V also THEN the dog did not want to be left out so she had to come in and she wanted to lie right next to me…… Saturday we had Youngest D’s B day... It also went by nice. It was a little windy but still we had a nice party. Sunday my Mom fell in her back yard and hit her head on some planks. My sister took her to the E.R. I was out at my wood lot so when she called me I went to her hospital. After waiting 2 hours for x rays everything looked ok but the doctor wanted us to wake Mom up every 4 hours to see if she was dizzy and if so we would need to bring her back but my Mom was ok. This Wednesday will be busy. My Mom wants me to help her out at the soup kith ion in the morning and then my uncle is going to Texas for a week and wants me to feed his cows in the morning starting Wednesday. I have not fed cows since high school... It is supposed to rain the next few days and I have all my Fire wood covered... No more sales yet but with this rain people start thinking about firewood so I have my fingers crossed. I have NOT done any R talk these last few days. Wife seems ok. She has been asking me more and more about what I am doing and how my day went. Talking with a friend I guess my W does shows allot of MLC syndrome. I guess I kind of had a double whammy with her going first through menopause and now through MLC... Well today I make some Portuguese beans ( they are great for snacking on when it is raining and hey nobody is sleeping with me anyway so I can let out all the “gas” I want right?. I also made some cookies my Grandmother used to make from scratch. I had to stop baking them and put the rest in the freezer for tomorrow because SON was eating them as fast as I was making them. Anyway I am reading allot on MLC now and trying to stay “detached” I am getting better at it. Hopefully one of these days I will be able to stay detached for more than a week LOL...
Talk to ya all later... Doc... (Soon to have a farmers tan again)
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Comcast... Well I worked at the soup kitchen this morning and then went and fed my uncles cows. Wife is not feeling well today. I asked her if she needed me to get her anything and she said no. I will again look for "page 82 Hearts blessing” but I just can not find it.Maybe there is a way you can send me a link? or cut and paste it? From other stuff I have read I do think my wife is going through a sort of MLC except that instead of dressing up and trying to look younger she just complains about being over weight. Some stuff I ordered for my jeep came in today so I will most likely spend time working on that and then go over to MIL house to clean her bathrooms. It's too muddy to work in my wood lot today. So yes the washy washy Doc is again trying to give wife space. I will be trying to have doc Work on himself and let her work on herself. Let’s see how long I can go before I again do something stupid... I was thinking maybe I need to move over to the MLC thread….
Guess there needs to be a Piecing your sexless marriage through mid life crises after an affair thread LOL
Take care everyone and Fighting Irish I hope everything is ok in your part of the world. If ya need someone (a guy) to talk to you know how to get a hold of me…I can call anywhere in the US as a local call
Smile Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
FWIW, I don't really think the whole MLC thing is very helpful. Also, HBs stuff is kind of taken as a "bible." It is no doubt insightful, helpful stuff. But it certainly is nothing that should be read as fact. Another problem is that the MLC mentality around here is often very condescending and belittling toward the WAS as someone totally lost and crazy. It treats the WAS perspective with deep disrespect. And, it keeps people very very stuck, as they point to some mysterious external MLC entity as the cause of the problems in their M. The problems in your M are IN YOUR M. The best thing you can do is to continue to work on yourself. Shifting your focus back onto analysis and wife-fixing is a very bad idea, I really believe quite strongly.
Look, no doubt, people question their lives and often make significant changes mid-life. When people feel a need to make radical changes (or have those changes thrust upon them), they often become ungrounded and bounce around as they reorient themselves to a different way of being in the world. They experiment, they act like teenagers. WASs often do this. Sooner or later, they stabilize, become more moderate, and find a new place as a reinvented adult in the world. And, guess what. LBSs do this too. Look at all the facebooking, meetups, exercise programs, diets, wild parties, etc. etc. This becomes crystal clear when LBSs finally accept the end of their Ms. The majority of them go through a pretty wild phase, as is very easily seen in Surviving. They enter into Rs to quickly, use them as bandaids, are in denial, become irresponsible, act like teenagers, party wildly. Why? Because the personal crisis of divorce has created a need for them to find out who they want to be in the new identity they will have moving forward.
And, guess what. That is pretty much what is going on with "MLCers," except something other than a looming D provoked that personal crisis. Some people have a personal crisis about their life's work because they find it unfulfilling. So, they take on an entirely new career. Some people find their Ms unfulfilling, so they seek to find a romantic, passionate partnership that they ache for.
It is simply the human inclination to evaluate one's life at a certain stage, realize our mortality, and re-envision our life and reprioritize to get the most out of the time we have left. Sure, depression, hormones, etc... can play a role around middle age. BUT, the root of the crisis is almost certainly REAL. Lomg-term genuine dissatisfaction with work or an M, for instance. Without large existing problems, mid-life reflection results in less sharp, less deep personal crises. It might mean getting a sports car, exercise, and making more time for family. But when there are large existing problems that are barriers to living a flourishing fulfilling life, mid-life is a time when we go all out to remove those barriers. We know we don't have forever. When removing those barriers creates the deep personal crisis, you get the teenager, acting out, wild swinging views as one seeks to regain equilibrium on new feet.
So, if you think your W is in MLC fine, you probably are too. But I'd urge you not to get into the MLC mind-set too far. The key here is: it is midlife, you both urgently want to move forward in way that will make your future more fulfilling, and neither of you know yet what that looks like, and old hurts obscure the possibility of you making your good futures together.
Anyway, I really don't think moving to MLC would be a very productive move.
. The key here is: it is midlife, you both urgently want to move forward in way that will make your future more fulfilling, and neither of you know yet what that looks like, and old hurts obscure the possibility of you making your good futures together.
So this means? I am supposed to live my life and hope w figures out what she wants? Whose old hurts? Mine? Hers? It would be so simple to end any "old hurts" I have.. But how can I know of any hurt I caused my wife without 1.Asking her and 2. Her letting me know? One minute everyone tells me that wife and I need to talk... the next I am not soposed to talk R I know I have come along way but I swear if I had to do this over again I would have just exposed everything right from the start. This is like taking a band aid off really slow. I say rip that sucker off and get it over with….
Doc
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
I can't speak for OT but I think she used the term 'old hurts' as a general term and not specifically. I don't think she was imlpying hurts that you had caused your W either.
I would say, ( and I know you won't like me saying this), that you still have not moved on from what your W did with OM. Whatever you say about having forgiven her.....deep down you haven't. I also think that in a way, having sex with her, is what you feel will heal that hurt and bring forgiveness. I can tell you that that is unlikely by itself, BUT consistently having a 'full and proper M' will be what probably starts the soothing process. You obviously resent the fact that she had sex with OM, whilst having issues about her body image, whilst she won't have sex with you.
Well, I think OM was a hurt for your W. He was unfinished business; he finished things with her before you and she ever got together. I am guessing here, but I would also think he hurt her again with their last 'fling'. I expect there was rejection there again, and/or your W discovered that she felt bad and sordid. I think from everything you have ever told me, that that mistake hurt her as much as you but in a different way. Maybe OM made comments about your W's body which have made her even more self critical. ( For example, a close GF of mine got together with an old BF of hers recently and she told me that afterwards she told him that that was the first time she had ever fcuked a fat guy - as his muscle had turned to fat since she had last been with him- now how's that going to make him feel?)People say these horrid things. I was appalled that my GF said that to that guy. (BTW neither was involved with anyone else so there was no 'cheating' involved).
We all have our insecurities and hurts we pick up over the years and we have to learn how to deal with them. That's what your W is going through at the moment.
I agree with your band aid analogy and you know my views on that, but you chose the path you did......and also your W did not have an ongoing A. I think she did what she did because she was crying out for an answer to something and I also believe she has still not found it. I don't think it has ever really been about you Doc, but more about her and her issues. Unfortunately though I think your W has gone so long without sex that she really has lost all drive and inclination and she is floundering at trying to get things to work with you but won't go for professional help. I still think she is scared- her reaction to sex being dirty is a big red flag in my head.
I hope you notice that through this post I have talked about sex the whole time and not ML, because I think to your W that is what it is at the moment. I don't doubt that she loves you - but she doesn't have a lover's inclinations and thoughts at all. I also think that although you love your W, it is sex you are talking about- you want to 'put your mark' on your W again.
Personally I think you need to keep talking to your W. In the past you have both pussy footed around each other and got nowhere. How about going back to the Retro training and bringing up topics etc. I know it was uncomfortable but it did get you moving forward.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
