W wants to separate

[notagoodlistener]

Not a good night or morning really. Today is our 5 year wedding anniversary. Oh joy.

Last night, she picked up D from her mom who watches her a couple of afternoons a week while we work. I grabbed us a bite and brought it back on the way home. She thanked me and we started to eat. Of course I can't keep my mouth shut and am just having a tough time. I tell her I've scheduled an appointment to see a counseler for tomorrow morning and long story short, she has a couple of names and thinks we should just go see the same one rather than me go to one IC and then another MC especially because of the cost.

This spawned into me trying to get her to open up to me. I asked if she was ready to see a counseler and if she really thinks I should move out before we do. She retorted, "what do you think it will change my mind" and became angry. Then I talked about the couseling and that how alot of the issues we already know about are going to come out. I said our horrible sex life as an extension of my selfish behavior. This really made her angry. She started to cry at one point and asked me to leave the room because she couldn't continue, but I stayed for a bit and just told her I understand why she is so angry and that it took me so long to finally realize how big of a problem we had and we never confronted it. She said that she has tried and we've talked about separating before and I said that it just didn't seem as real to me then and I have no way to explain it but something has clicked in my brain and I finally understand now. Obviously, it isn't a good answer but it really is the truth. She said that she was so mad at me and that it's been 5 years and she doesn't think I can change if I haven't already. So, she was really upset and angry and starting to withdraw and we discussed what the separation arrangements would be when I go surrounding our D. I tried to stop prying.

Then I was on the computer and something struck me. I've never ever been jealous at all with her for some reason, but I found myself looking at Facebook and she had a play date with our D and this guy she knows who has a S from quite awhile back and they sort of reconnected just recently. Their playdate was about 3 weeks ago and there are some pics up. Next thing I know I've been freaking out ever since. I feel like I've turned into this loser who tried to look at her phone calls and noticed one was to him just yesterday. Now I don't know what to think. I know he supposedly has a girlfriend and he lives about 45 minutes away. The other threads on this forum have totally freaked me out and when I asked her I know she said 'No, I don't even have time with work and D to have an affair if I wanted'. Which is true. But it could be turning into an emotional A first right?

I also gave her the headphones I bought her for her ipod. I know...NO GIFTS!

Well, this morning was very very tough on me. I skipped my morning workout and just layed there by myself in guest room in a state of severe depression as today is our 5 year anniversary. She asked if I was going out tonight this AM and I said I really didn't feel like it and asked if she was. She said she was invited to go out but wasn't sure she was going to. She said she'd cut my hair for me tonight when we get home from work. I waited awhile until just before I left and I said, I know things are going so well between us but I just want to say happy anniversary. She was a little sad and said, I know 5 years is a big one too. Then I asked if she wanted me to bring something home from work to eat because I'll be out earlier than her tonight and I feel like it's the right thing to do.

I'm thinking of sending flowers and writing a letter for today, but I'm not sure. I really feel like I'm losing her and will be moving out in the next week or so. I'm realizing that we are going down a path that could lead us to being divorced in the next few months and it is killing me. I know words are not enough at this point and I need to let my actions speak. I don't know what to do. It's our anniversary and I need to do something. I hate myself right now. I cried the whole way to work pretty much with the radio off just totally pathetic. I can't even function.