Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Excellent.

[etrain]

I opened up my own checking acct this afternoon...also got my W's name off my credit card so she can't use it. I'm going to change my paycheck DD to this new acct but I'm still torn on whether or not to transfer 1/2 of our joint account balances. Maybe I'm jumping the gun. I'm not sure.

Still no S talk, even though she has her "wish list" & her $$$ in the bank. Perhaps she hasn't found an apt yet.
Whatever. I'm just gonna do my thing.

[dday101798]

Ehhhh, the moment I took control of my direct deposit and denied XW access to my cash, was seen as a 'hostile takeover' of sorts and really pushed her over the edge. Couple that with the 'bravado confidence' of speaking with a L this early on, would tell me history is about to repeat itself, except it's your grief this time etrain.

I would address the finances quickly and calmly with her. Hell I even gave mine advance warning, to which she must have thought I didn't have the brass to do. I would then address the issue of joint accounts and what is who's there. Just do it with a nice calm casual, "well this is what you want so I wont stand in your way attitude". I know easier said than done, but, you still have a chance, I don't, I made these mistakes, so take them for what you will.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I would address the finances quickly and calmly with her. Hell I even gave mine advance warning, to which she must have thought I didn't have the brass to do. I would then address the issue of joint accounts and what is who's there. Just do it with a nice calm casual, "well this is what you want so I wont stand in your way attitude". I know easier said than done, but, you still have a chance, I don't, I made these mistakes, so take them for what you will.

That's real good advice, Dday.

Puppy

[etrain]

Ehhhh, the moment I took control of my direct deposit and denied XW access to my cash, was seen as a 'hostile takeover' of sorts and really pushed her over the edge. Couple that with the 'bravado confidence' of speaking with a L this early on, would tell me history is about to repeat itself, except it's your grief this time etrain.

That's exatly why I haven't done anything with our joint funds yet. I'm worried W will take it as a declaration of war.
All I've done so far is opened up a new checking account, just in case I need it.

Another day has passed w/o us having the S discussion regarding custody, finances, etc. She did discuss some personal problems her sister is having so at least she sort of confided in me about that. Then she headed out to her sister's house for a couple hours...if that's where she really went. There was a small charge from a local bar from last night in her checking acct. Maybe W & her sister went for a drink to talk things over. Maybe not...who knows.
With the exception of the convo about her sis, W was acting a little "colder" towards me last night & this morning. OM problems, perhaps.

And I had a rough morning...right to the bathroom when I woke up...if you know what I mean. Only worse than usual. This is really affecting me physically. I couldn't even eat this morning but I'm trying to force myself to eat some grapes right now.

[ClingingToHope]

When I moved out, I took just $200 with me. Then for the next month I transferred out $400 and left her the rest. I was staying with a friend who wasn't charging me anything.

Then he laid down the law and said I couldn't stay there forever and I needed to start saving some real money for an apartment.

That day I told W that we'd have to work out some agreement and for the first time I saw some uncertainty in her eyes.

It was fleeting though. I proposed an amount. She never said anything and that's what I've been giving her.

The past three months have been an eye-opener for her. To save money she lowered her life insurance amount. I then let mine lapse since I have some coverage through work. But I then lowered what I was giving her since I was paying half with my child support.

Now she's somehow paid off a $1,200 loan -- even though she said she didn't have a $1,200 retainer to get divorced. Well, I was paying her $55 a month for my share of the loan. We took it out before separating. So I'm going to lower my payment another $25.

We kept the joint accounts so that I could transfer money into her checking. She's never taken anything out of my account yet. I did set up separate accounts at a different bank for my apartment rent money. Just in case ...

Once the finances are set up the WAS can see what they really will be living on.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I opened up my own checking acct this afternoon...also got my W's name off my credit card so she can't use it. I'm going to change my paycheck DD to this new acct but I'm still torn on whether or not to transfer 1/2 of our joint account balances.

YES. That's kinda the point -- to make sure she can't suddenly draw down family funds if she decides to bolt. Again, your mantra is "considering some of the decisions you've been making lately, I felt it best to be in control of my own half of our joint funds."

Look, she's NOT going to be happy just about the DD into the new individual account. So you might as well do what you need to do, all at once, and get it over with.

Puppy

[etrain]

YES. That's kinda the point -- to make sure she can't suddenly draw down family funds if she decides to bolt. Again, your mantra is "considering some of the decisions you've been making lately, I felt it best to be in control of my own half of our joint funds."

Look, she's NOT going to be happy just about the DD into the new individual account. So you might as well do what you need to do, all at once, and get it over with.

Puppy

I'm so torn. If I initiate this convo, there's a good chance it pushes her out the door if she is having 2nd thoughts.

I'll try to have a talk w/ her tonight. It's not going to be easy.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The money is 1/2 yours, correct? What's the issue?

What reliable evidence do you have that she is having second thoughts?

Look, she's probably LOOKING for a reason to blame this all on you. If you feel that protecting yourself financially is going to provide her with that issue, and that's more important to you than the potential that she will squander your money, that's your call, and I know it's not easy.

Don't you think, for that matter, that she's going to be just as pissed when she finds out your DD is going into a new account?

Puppy

[ClingingToHope]

I'm so torn. If I initiate this convo, there's a good chance it pushes her out the door if she is having 2nd thoughts.

I'll try to have a talk w/ her tonight. It's not going to be easy.

Trust your instincts. Has she taken out a bunch of money? If she hasn't I wouldn't push it until you are ready.

When you do talk, if she balks, do not make some grand speech about protecting yourself. I'm taking a marriage rebuilders class -- by myself -- and one section was on communication.

If she gets upset about the financial steps you've taken, ask her why she is upset. Let her talk. Don't use it as a chance to make your own points. That will push her out the door.

Defensiveness kills more marriages than infidelity.