Anyway, here's the question. I saw tonight W paid off a short-term loan we took out when we were still living together. She probably got it from her 401(k) thanks to help from her mom.
First, I find it interesting because she said last week she didn't have $1,200 for a retainer to get divorced and the loan's balance was $1,224.
Second, and here, finally, is the question. In our unofficial child support agreement, I was paying her an additional $27.50 a paycheck for that loan. That equaled $55 a month for a $106 payment.
That is a tough one.
You say she is aware that you have access to both accounts. I presume you have full access to the loan since you took it out in both of your names? My suggestion....send a note or email letting her know that you were reorganizing your budget (or something similar) and pulled all of your financial records including the loan and saw that it had been paid off so the $27.50 won't be included with the CS any longer. Then make sure that you make a complimentary comment about paying off the loan. Not really sure how to word that, but I think you get the drift of what I mean.
CTH, on another note, if it comes to D then please demand 50/50 custody. I presume you live near each other so it won't be a major inconvenience. Like you said, your schedule is flexible so you will be able to adjust easily. One note of warning though.......don't be TOO flexible! It will only enable your W to walk over you. Trust me on this!
I do hope that Marc will learn from my examples. I'll admit that I'm not always the best example since I have a lot of issues to work through, but I do try.
Dylan, what can I say? Some people just aren't really cut out to be parents but procreation really takes no skills.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
CTH, on another note, if it comes to D then please demand 50/50 custody. I presume you live near each other so it won't be a major inconvenience. Like you said, your schedule is flexible so you will be able to adjust easily. One note of warning though.......don't be TOO flexible! It will only enable your W to walk over you. Trust me on this!
Yes. More and more I'm moving that direction. First off, I'm already being asked to take them additional nights because of her job. I just don't want it to be a fight when I do ask for 50/50. She's barely making it with my child support. In a 50/50 split, that number would fall dramatically.
She already walks all over me because of my schedule. I'm first to stay home if they are sick, first to take them to the doctor, etc.
I'm stuck on this one. Two weeks ago, D10 was sick so I stayed with her on Wednesday. I could not stay home on Thursday -- too much work. So what does W do. She leaves D10 home alone. Says she's 10, she'll be fine. I ended up driving home three times to check on her.
Some day she will realize what her blind obsession with work has done to her family. The kids realize they are lower on the priority list than her job.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
The $27.50 is not part of the CS, right CTH? It's was on top of the amount to cover his portion of the loan.
Quote:
She's barely making it with my child support.
And that is your problem because?????? She chose this. She did this to herself. Not your problem. If she has to change her lifestyle because of her own choices she will just have to do that. No one comes out of a D with their finances like they were. Ummm...hellllooooooo....you just dropped from two incomes to one. That works because??
Like I said CTH, STOP being so flexible. She needs to see the reality of her choices. You aren't allowing that to happen. She is using you and expecting you to be the one she can always fall back on. Nope. Not allowed. Not anymore.
Yes, easy for me to say, not so easy to put into practice.
I've been an enabler my entire adult life and my entire M. I'm learning (through therapy) how to put myself first and stop giving in to my xh's manipulative ways. You need to do the same. The first step? Fight your natural instinct to 'fix' everything.
Your D10 was sick. That was unacceptable of your w to leave her home alone. 10 is really too young to be left for more than an hour alone. I don't know what the laws in IL are regarding that, but I can tell you that in GA the law says no child under the age of 12 can be left home alone for more than 1 hour. What could you have done in that situation? You had already done it. You left work to take care of her. The next day was W's responsibility and she blew it. Strike 1! Give her two more strikes and you're probably going to have to step up with legal action. Of course, you need to talk to her about it first.
The next time she asks you to do something outside of your normal schedule tell her no. Do not think of it as harmful to the kids or that you aren't 'being there' for them. That is not right. You have a life, you don't have to drop everything to be at her beck and call anymore. This is not about the kids at all, this is about her control over you. She knows what button to push and it's the 'kid' button. She knows full well you will drop everything, rearrange your life, your work, everything to do for them. STOP! IT'S NOT ABOUT THEM! Get it?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Okay, Mish, sorry for the total hijack, but Dday, I totally see how you would do that, b/c I tend to be like that too, all about the kids. But if she continually says no to their ideas or plans, I don't think that's good for them, is it? And I think at some level maybe bothers you too? I think most families after D don't do stuff together; just a reality you could talk with them about?
No worries on the hijak Karen! It's always open season here on my thread. I prefer it that way....it makes it easier to carry through a conversation rather than bouncing around all disjointed to different threads.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I couldn't agree you with you more. But, the kids are the ones the want her to tag along and do something. I have spoken with them. Almost everytime we have a dinner "in the neighborhood" they get upset because "mom wouldn't come". And everytime I tell them, well, mom was invited and she chose not to. It was from them that I first heard "she can't because OM will get mad and fight with her". That has to be about the upmost worst excuse I've ever heard, but, if that's how it is, that's how it is.
Then there's the relayed messages of "mom says tell great gram and aunt 'she misses them and loves them" and all that jazz. Of which I tell her, if you have anything to say to anyone in my family, say it yourself. You left, not me.
Whenever I do ask for a reason from her why she can not attend or do anything for her self, I always get this sad pathetic look out of her. And at that, yes, it does bother me. It bothers me for simple fact that as I've said time and time again, we, her and I are very well done with each other, that was her choice and I'm trying to pick up steam and follow suit with that feeling as well. Point blank simple, she has NOTHING to worry about. So long as I know at the end of dinner or what not, she's going back to him, he can then have her. But we are parents together, ALWAYS will be. If OM has a problem with that, he should of thought harder about it with the head attached to his neck when he opted to get involved with a married woman with kids instead of the head in lower extremities.
And let's look at the D families that DON'T do stuff together, they're majority that has kids growing up as delinquents, smoking, drinking, in trouble with the law and falures in school. And I will vouch that first hand, I WAS one of those kids who was forced to learn how to live life on my own with the company of many more like me and where I came from.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Congrats to Marc for passing the tests. I know he has more to do but that is a huge step in the right direction! When I took tae kwon do we never had to do all of that! We just did our sparring, our routine for our level and then break boards for our black belt.
Sounds like your C is helping you make some progress. good for you!
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
