Well, my note from this morning did not have any noticeable negative affect. Tonight was pleasant - nothing out of the ordinary. W was talkative. It still brings reality home when she calls me by my first name - we always called each other babe/sweetie/honey. I know, what else is she supposed to call me.
I did not bring up the sleeping arrangements. I would like to push a little more into her space and see what happens. When the time is right to bring up the sleeping arrangements, I will know it. Not feeling a rush to do it now.
So, what did I learn from today? My W is not running away from me. I do not believe D is the only option she sees right now. Question is, what is she willing to do about the non-D option.
I have started looking into Retrovaille. The next one would be January. I think we should be ready for that by then. We really are getting along better than I ever remember. No tension. Lots of joking and exchanged smiles. Yet there's still that elephant in the room no one's talking about.
It still brings reality home when she calls me by my first name - we always called each other babe/sweetie/honey. I know, what else is she supposed to call me.
I completely get this. It's a litle painful reminder that not all is well. It's right up there with ending phone conversations with just "bye" as opposed to the previous standard of "love you, talk to you later." (even worse when hearing her phone calls with Mom and sis end like this)
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
My W is not running away from me.
That has to be a nice feeling. Celebrate every victory. This seems like a pretty big one!
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Yet there's still that elephant in the room no one's talking about.
Does anyone know a good elephant exterminator? There seems to be one in a lot of our houses that really needs to be taken out. I really hate that @#$%ing elephant.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Well, my note from this morning did not have any noticeable negative affect. Tonight was pleasant - nothing out of the ordinary. W was talkative. It still brings reality home when she calls me by my first name - we always called each other babe/sweetie/honey. I know, what else is she supposed to call me.
I did not bring up the sleeping arrangements. I would like to push a little more into her space and see what happens. When the time is right to bring up the sleeping arrangements, I will know it. Not feeling a rush to do it now.
So, what did I learn from today? My W is not running away from me. I do not believe D is the only option she sees right now. Question is, what is she willing to do about the non-D option.
I have started looking into Retrovaille. The next one would be January. I think we should be ready for that by then. We really are getting along better than I ever remember. No tension. Lots of joking and exchanged smiles. Yet there's still that elephant in the room no one's talking about.
No negative noticeable affect? EXCELLENT. What's that tell you? Slowly, oh so slowly, continue this stuff. Don't push it. But ramp it up slowly. Like you mentioned, begin invading her space slowly but surely.
One good way I started making contact with my W was I would look for opportunities where she would be standing in a position where I could think of a reason to have to get by her and when I did, I'd lightly put my hand on her hip, as if I was saying "I need to get past you and don't want to bump you so I'm putting my hand on your hip". Like at the kitchen counter when she was doing dishes and I'd say I had a headache and go to grab the tylenol we keep on the window sill over the sink. Or when she was getting ready for work and I had to go into the walk in closet to get clothes and she was kind of in the way at the vanity, but not really, I'd make sure I lightly put a hand on her hip as I slid by her. Another thing I would do is make sure I went to bed before her and when I was walking by to head to the bedroom I would tell her goodnight and reach down and give her shoulder a squeeze and then head to bed. If she tenses up, don't do it for a while. If she doesn't tense up, then continue doing that every few days.
You're getting there GIMA, trust me. I was in that same elephant in the room place for a long time, but from what you're saying, she's more comfortable around you and enjoys your time together.
Right now I would suspect your W is in conflict with herself. 6 months ago she was sure she wanted a D, but now she can't reconcile that with how things are with you. You just have to give her time to figure it out on her own.
Keep up the good work. You're getting there.
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
Thanks Hope4us. Great suggestions, many of which I am doing - especially the "oh, excuse me, let me just put my hand on the small of your back while I squeeze by you as you load the dishwasher."
I will continue to work in little steps into her "space." So far, so good.
I would like to push a little more into her space and see what happens.
Make yourself catnip. Draw her to you. Become uber confident. Make your energy infectious. Make some plans with her (next trip is not to WDW.) Get her into your space.
So what has worked in the past and why? What has potential now?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Just found a GAL activity I will add to my list of activities. I thought I would share it with you guys.
D6's school had "family lunch" day. So, I went to her school and had lunch with her and her class. It's been a LONG time since I had chocolate milk and pizza for lunch!
I had a ball. I was the only parent there which (a) made my D feel like the princess she is and (b) made me the center of attention for 22 or so 6 year olds! Fun stuff.
As I talked to them, I felt myself as if I just happened to be a well dressed 6 year old. Too funny. They have great little imaginations and they all wanted to talk to me. I can't recall anything making me feel that happy as being around those little ones who are so funny and excited about everything.
If you have kids, go have lunch with them at school. It will do you and your kids a world of good.
Oh, and it didn't hurt that there was one other class in the lunchroom with my D's class and the only adult attendee like me was a very attractive single woman who was a substitute/fill-in for her friend who was a parent of one of the kids in that other class. I spoke to this lady - no, I flirted with her, and she flirted back! Not going off the reservation, but it made me feel even better.
I would like to push a little more into her space and see what happens.
Make yourself catnip. Draw her to you. Become uber confident. Make your energy infectious. Make some plans with her (next trip is not to WDW.) Get her into your space.
So what has worked in the past and why? What has potential now?
Coach, that's where the idea of leaving a note for her yesterday morning on the dashboard of her car came from. We left each other these kinds of notes when we were dating and first married.
W was asking questions about camping and campsites on teh way back from WDW. She has always said she was not the camping type - and she's not. But, it may be fun even if just for anight.
On the confidence front, see my post immediately after yours.
Another routine evening. D6 and I went to S9's football game. They lost...again. Waiting on that first win.
Came home, made dinner, got homework done and kids to bed.
W came in from her cake class. I am worn out from the day/week. She wanted to tell me about her cake class. I listened and asked questions. Just being there.
And tomorrow, will get up and do it all over again.
