Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

I think that I need to start worrying more about myself. I have been trying so hard to be a loving, caring, understanding husband so far. I am selfish in the fact that I have wanted to keep our family together and think that it's insane that she doesn't, but I really have been trying to be kind and understanding to her. Afterall, she is my W and I still love her. I vowed love her in good times and bad and I still think that she is very similar to the person that I fell in love with somewhere deep inside. It even comes out every once in a while.

I don't really think that her issues are about me though, so it seems that no matter what I do it doesn't affect her. All it does is drain me.

Last night, as we were talking about how I can't sit there like all is well while she is maing plans to walk out of our marriage, she looked sad, but she has no fear of losing me. Her sadness seems to come from knowing that she is hurting me. She loves me and says that I am a great guy, but she doesn't have that "I can't imagine my life without him" feeling so she knows that she has to go.

The funny thing is that I think she still imagines her life after moving out as pretty much having a clubhouse and us still spending time together. I told her a couple of weeks ago this isn't the case. Once she got the "I'll be happy once I get out of here" thought in her head it seems to be her magic bullet to happiness.

Once again, what makes this so much harder is the fact that we were affectionate just recently. How could she be so loving with me one minute then switch to a "my life will be better without him" thought the next. I couldn't do that personally.

It does seem that I start to move on and that's when she starts to come back around. I'm getting tired of this game of trying to lure my W back to me though. This isn't how marriage is supposed to be.

She's gotten past so many "stages" that moving seems like the only "I have to see if this will make me happy" thing left to do. She's not with GF 24/7 lately (I think GF got a job), she's not drinking heavily like she was months back, she's not out at the bar, constantly on Facebook, looking up Highschool friends, dressing trashy, hangind out at the gym all of the time, spending a ton of money, etc anymore. She's gone through all of this to "find her path," and she's still not happy. Obviously, I can't fix it. I had to give it a shot though and I don't regret trying to help. I realize now that I can't though. It's a very powerless feeling. Very unwanted and rejected feeling too.