The DB two step

[saffie]

Doc,

I can't speak for OT but I think she used the term 'old hurts' as a general term and not specifically. I don't think she was imlpying hurts that you had caused your W either.

I would say, ( and I know you won't like me saying this), that you still have not moved on from what your W did with OM. Whatever you say about having forgiven her.....deep down you haven't. I also think that in a way, having sex with her, is what you feel will heal that hurt and bring forgiveness. I can tell you that that is unlikely by itself, BUT consistently having a 'full and proper M' will be what probably starts the soothing process. You obviously resent the fact that she had sex with OM, whilst having issues about her body image, whilst she won't have sex with you.

Well, I think OM was a hurt for your W. He was unfinished business; he finished things with her before you and she ever got together. I am guessing here, but I would also think he hurt her again with their last 'fling'. I expect there was rejection there again, and/or your W discovered that she felt bad and sordid. I think from everything you have ever told me, that that mistake hurt her as much as you but in a different way. Maybe OM made comments about your W's body which have made her even more self critical. ( For example, a close GF of mine got together with an old BF of hers recently and she told me that afterwards she told him that that was the first time she had ever fcuked a fat guy - as his muscle had turned to fat since she had last been with him- now how's that going to make him feel?)People say these horrid things. I was appalled that my GF said that to that guy. (BTW neither was involved with anyone else so there was no 'cheating' involved).

We all have our insecurities and hurts we pick up over the years and we have to learn how to deal with them. That's what your W is going through at the moment.

I agree with your band aid analogy and you know my views on that, but you chose the path you did......and also your W did not have an ongoing A. I think she did what she did because she was crying out for an answer to something and I also believe she has still not found it. I don't think it has ever really been about you Doc, but more about her and her issues. Unfortunately though I think your W has gone so long without sex that she really has lost all drive and inclination and she is floundering at trying to get things to work with you but won't go for professional help. I still think she is scared- her reaction to sex being dirty is a big red flag in my head.

I hope you notice that through this post I have talked about sex the whole time and not ML, because I think to your W that is what it is at the moment. I don't doubt that she loves you - but she doesn't have a lover's inclinations and thoughts at all. I also think that although you love your W, it is sex you are talking about- you want to 'put your mark' on your W again.

Personally I think you need to keep talking to your W. In the past you have both pussy footed around each other and got nowhere. How about going back to the Retro training and bringing up topics etc. I know it was uncomfortable but it did get you moving forward.