Wow, things sure have changed drastically in the last 9 months.
As I last posted, I have been having some confusing emotions coming up in conjunction with H moving home.
I did something completely different & called H late one night & told him I was having confusion and thought talking things through might help me sort things out.
He said that he thought I probably had some of the same worries that I had, but more. He said that he worried that the momentum would stop and we'd go back to shutting down and shutting up. Said he worried that we could get back in a rut and not communicate or put effort into our R.
He said he wasn't too worried about those things though because of learning so much about R's and learning new tools to use. Said he'd been pretty much oblivious before and apologized to me for that.
I told him that things still come up from time to time that trigger me feeling very hurt and angry--and I don't want to have to hide that. I said I would screw up and do old stuff occassionally and that I didn't want to have to worry that he was keeping a scorecard where I'd get so many penalty points and then he'd just call it all off.
It sounded like he was getting a little scared by my bringing all these things up. He kept saying, "we're going to be ok, don't you think?". Finally he came right out and asked if I was having doubts or second thoughts about him coming home. I said no, I wasn't, not at all. I just thought it would be good to talk about some of the things that might be coming up now, after all of this time of separation.
He sure sounded relieved. I am just floored about such a role reversal going on here--him being confident that we will be fine and him caring about how I feel and reassuring me.
When I look back to the first few months after the bomb--heck, if I look back to the last few years--and tried to picture a miracle happening in our R and what that would be like, I'd have to say it's pretty close to what is going on now.
I know that things are still very new in the process of rebuilding. Today, my C told me that we are in the minority. She said that lot's of M's have a problem with infidelity sooner or later and just sweep it under the rug. She says that acts like a poison in the R. What we have been doing, what all of us here in Piecing are doing isn't so common. It's the hard road, but the one that leads to having a much better relationship.
I'm glad to be in the minority with all of you guys here. It ain't for whimps, but it sure is worth it in the long haul!
