I've thrown the soap box out for now. I love the title of your new thread! Missed you!
The boys and I spent the day on yard improvements. Two trips to the dump, stacking wood, one last lawn mowing, gutter cleaning, etc. S19 even got up on the metal roof and scrubbed moss off. I really went nuts with the preassure washer I borrowed and exhausted myself.
The place looks great outside, but the inside is trashed. Oh well, this is the PNW and the rainy season will start any day now--plenty of time to clean the house.
In the last week, I also enlisted the help of the "girlfriends"--we cleaned and redecorated S19 and S16's rooms. Honestly, it was mostly for my benefit because it nauseated me to look in there!
I'm a bit worried about work this week as keyboarding is not working very well. I still have no feeling in most of my middle finger.
Quote: just cringe when I see people on these bbs say thier partners say they still love them, but have come to the conclusion that they simply aren't "compatable". I heard the same from Wolfie not that long ago, before he understood the concept of phases and cycles in a long-term R.
Hi Tal, So good to hear this--the other night, my H and I were talking on the phone (all details on my thread)--but he said our main problem was that he didn't feel we were compatible. ARGH!!!!!!! I'm not sure I want him to come home anymore--but the small part of me that thinks I do, is thankful to hear "you heard it too". The jury is still out on how I feel about the situation--and in all honesty I think I DB much better if I decide that I am done with him--so guess a little reverse psych on myself to follow through! Seems in the past I did some of my best DBing without even trying because I just took care of me instead!
The only other feedback that H gave me that night too was that my two main areas of problems were communication and sexuality--this disturbs me--as I tried to point out to him that communication is a 2 way street and that is something easily worked out with 2 people working together at the common goal of better communication. As for my sexuality issue--I've come to terms with the fact that I don't have a problem with sexuality in general--it was my sexuality when with him--I've come to realize that him verbalizing his distaste with my past weight problem and how I could always be 120 pounds over and over again made me extremely subconscious around him and not feel good about myself--even after losing 60 pounds, I'm at a comfortable, hot looking 131 pounds and that's still not good enough for him. In fact, the way I lost weight wasn't acceptable to him, because it wasn't HIS way. He waited and waited for me to fail 4 years ago with weight watchers--but I proved him wrong--lost the weight, maintained it and teach classes at the gym (10 per week!)--so I don't have the problem--HE has the problem!!!!! I finally figured it out!!! I just have not told him all this yet....
Glad things are going well with you and Wolfie! Love the new title to your thread!! Ouch on the finger--years ago (20 to be exact)-when I was Senior in HS, we were making costumes for Freshman initiaion and I was cutting felt and sliced my fingertip too--still have the scar-I refused to go to the hospital too and it throbbed for 2 weeks!!--Take care of it!!!
Quote: alot of difference in neurotransmitters in groups of people whose ancestors were hunter/gatherers in the not so distant past--something about the way we need much more protien to produce adequate levels of serotonin, dopamine, etc. Lower levels lead to depression and the need to self-medicate in order to feel "normal".
I've been doing Atkins...and I noticed that when I'm folowing it strictly, my depression is so much better.
Thanks for sharing this info with me. I knew my depression was virtually gone, due to Atkins...but it's nice to have outside validation!
Wow, I'm really feeling strange the last few days. I see that T24now is having some similar rollercoaster emotions at the prospect of her H coming home, and so I know it isn't just me.
After finally feeling like I was getting my earth-legs back after months on the nauseating rides on the rollercoaster, I now feel like I'm having to really work at staying calm.
Why now? Why is all of this anger, doubtfulness, anxiety, etc. coming up now that he's coming home? Nothing else has really changed--that's the only thing it could be triggering me right now.
I'm trying to pull it all up and look at it in the light of day. I guess my fears center around not wanting to have to walk on eggshells when he comes home.
Just because he chose to come home doesn't mean I'm going to baby and be afraid to rock the boat. There are still days when I struggle with a lot of anger and I don't want to have to hide that or have him feel guilty just because I'm having those feelings.
I feel like we've been able to make a lot of progress in me being able to express myself and have reasonable expectations and boundaries in our R. I don't want to punish him or sabotage, but I don't ever want to have to go back to stuffing everything down because he refused to address anything.
Anyway..just rambling as I try to figure things out.
Do not worry too much about eggshells. I have found an amazing interior fatalism that lets me keep calm even when I am thinking he is going to get up and leave. Is like something inside me saying: worst case scenario, he leaves; what's the fuss I've survived that. It takes a lot of edge off the fear: the option of he staying and I shutting up looks worse than the one of I talking and he leaving. I am rambling again... I swear it is clear in my mind.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Wow, things sure have changed drastically in the last 9 months.
As I last posted, I have been having some confusing emotions coming up in conjunction with H moving home.
I did something completely different & called H late one night & told him I was having confusion and thought talking things through might help me sort things out.
He said that he thought I probably had some of the same worries that I had, but more. He said that he worried that the momentum would stop and we'd go back to shutting down and shutting up. Said he worried that we could get back in a rut and not communicate or put effort into our R.
He said he wasn't too worried about those things though because of learning so much about R's and learning new tools to use. Said he'd been pretty much oblivious before and apologized to me for that.
I told him that things still come up from time to time that trigger me feeling very hurt and angry--and I don't want to have to hide that. I said I would screw up and do old stuff occassionally and that I didn't want to have to worry that he was keeping a scorecard where I'd get so many penalty points and then he'd just call it all off.
It sounded like he was getting a little scared by my bringing all these things up. He kept saying, "we're going to be ok, don't you think?". Finally he came right out and asked if I was having doubts or second thoughts about him coming home. I said no, I wasn't, not at all. I just thought it would be good to talk about some of the things that might be coming up now, after all of this time of separation.
He sure sounded relieved. I am just floored about such a role reversal going on here--him being confident that we will be fine and him caring about how I feel and reassuring me.
When I look back to the first few months after the bomb--heck, if I look back to the last few years--and tried to picture a miracle happening in our R and what that would be like, I'd have to say it's pretty close to what is going on now.
I know that things are still very new in the process of rebuilding. Today, my C told me that we are in the minority. She said that lot's of M's have a problem with infidelity sooner or later and just sweep it under the rug. She says that acts like a poison in the R. What we have been doing, what all of us here in Piecing are doing isn't so common. It's the hard road, but the one that leads to having a much better relationship.
I'm glad to be in the minority with all of you guys here. It ain't for whimps, but it sure is worth it in the long haul!
I swear it is clear in my mind. 