I’m still here. Not much going on at all. I had an IC session yesterday and we don’t go back to the MC until next Tuesday. H and I have had no real discussions other than kid or household stuff. The IC said she was concerned about me, but I don’t really see why- I’m in a bit of a funk with the standstill, but it’s no big deal. For one thing, I stopped all the crying that I was doing last week. I don’t know- I did feel better when I was making forward progress as she put it, and right now there’s no progress at all. These starts and stops really mess with my emotions.
I’m also getting messed up by thinking that there might be a small (even if it’s only 1%) chance of working things out. Unlike your H, he’s not breaking anything or causing any other damage. He’s also not hurting me or trying to f*** other women at this time. How nice of him, huh?
The MC said my goal was to start talking at home, and H’s goal was to validate. Neither one of us is doing very well with that. I don’t even know what to talk to him about. I stopped talking a long time ago, even about how my day went, and I’m having trouble getting back into it. I’m kinda getting an angry, defensive vibe from him, so I don’t see how an R convo would go well, even though that’s what we need. I’m not sure there is anything left to say anyways. I just want some sort of acknowledgment from him about my pain, and he has not been able to do that over the last several months that we’ve talked on our own. I think for him to acknowledge my hurts, he would have to admit to himself some things that are just too uncomfortable for him to deal with. We really haven’t begun to get into any deep issues at the MC and I’m getting frustrated.
I hate this, I just want to disappear sometimes. Or he can go away. Somebody do something. Blech…….
