You might find this article interesting. It's about how traditional marriage counseling can make things worse in a marriage where there is emotional abuse:
Hmm, given the current situation, do you really think either of you will really enjoy the holidays even if you stay? My guess is that it will involve a lot of pretending.
I'm with the others here.
1) The thing about no vet visits for the pets is completely unreasonable. You and your D would certainly care if the animal dies, plus it's just cruel to let them suffer when help is available.
2) You have every right to buy a rabbit cage if you want to. Period.
3) Realistically speaking, it's not a done deal that your MC will be able to gain your H's trust at all no matter how patient you are. Might happen, might not. I have been in relationship counseling with an abusive man, so I speak from experience.
4) Thank you for the Congrats over in my thread. I'm happy, but I feel like the work is just about to begin, so I feel a little nervous and scared, too.
Last edited by Dia; 10/09/0905:13 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I don't think the holidays should enter into your thinking. Your kids are old enough to handle whatever happens. And the holidays are already stressful enough, I think there will be more stress trying to keep things "normal" through them than there would be in changing the situation.
I don't really see where he has given the slightest indiacation that he is interested in changing anything other than you. And changing you is what needs to happen. Just not in the way he is wanting.
IMO, I think that if you are going to leave, then just do it. Stop worrying about when the kids get this age, or when so and so does this, or when the holidays are over. I hate to be blunt here but you are putting things off just like the H is always trying to put of going to C. You need to make a choice about what Bunny needs, not what everyone else needs.
Again I repeat myself on what has your H done to change? What has he changed in his day to day life that shows you without a doubt that he is trying to make the M work? What has he done different in the past few weeks since you told him you wanted out and since you started MC that shows you that he is in this M for a lifetime?
MY answer on it....NOTHING so far that you have told us about. I don't see changes, I don't hear about anything that he has said or done that is different that makes me think that he is working on making himself better or working on making the M better.
I think you know what the answer is for Bunny, your just scared. and you have a right to be scared of what choises you make and what will happen, and how will others feel or get hurt. But what about your happiuness? What about how bunny feels or how bunny gets hurt? Stop thinking about H's feelings and start focusing on yours.
If your afraid to make that final leap of faith, sign a lease, and move out, I understand that, I am there now too. But your case is worse than mine. I have a truck and plenty of gas, I would love to help you move to a new place and a a new life.
Think about you for once Bunny. What does Bunny finally deserve after all of these years?
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
OK- time for more reflection. Bunny is going to curl up in her hidey-hole this weekend, reread this entire thread from beginning to end, and get ready for her IC appt. on Tuesday. Thank you to everyone- your support means a lot to me!
Reflection is good. But try to make sure that you don't get stuck in the reflection. Getting some space from him could be a very good thing in any case.
But try to make sure that you don't get stuck in the reflection.
I promise, I won't.
I think it comes down to: I am scared of everything crashing down and not being able to handle it, scared of the shame and embarrassment of failure and the details behind it, scared of everybody getting hurt, I keep thinking he's not so bad compared to the horror stories we've all heard about, and I am finding it so hard to let go of the idea "of happily ever after".
I'm calling my cousin, she's like a sister- she can give me a hug and a kick in the @ss at the same time.
A wise person once told me to stop acting from fear. And things got a lot better once I did. It feels like failure, but it isn't. And no one needs to know the details, it's not their business.
And, if I may say so, he is "so bad". Happily ever after can come in a lot of forms. It doesn't have to be the way you expected it.
Last edited by Virtually_Handsome; 10/10/0904:29 AM.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I’m still here. Not much going on at all. I had an IC session yesterday and we don’t go back to the MC until next Tuesday. H and I have had no real discussions other than kid or household stuff. The IC said she was concerned about me, but I don’t really see why- I’m in a bit of a funk with the standstill, but it’s no big deal. For one thing, I stopped all the crying that I was doing last week. I don’t know- I did feel better when I was making forward progress as she put it, and right now there’s no progress at all. These starts and stops really mess with my emotions.
I’m also getting messed up by thinking that there might be a small (even if it’s only 1%) chance of working things out. Unlike your H, he’s not breaking anything or causing any other damage. He’s also not hurting me or trying to f*** other women at this time. How nice of him, huh?
The MC said my goal was to start talking at home, and H’s goal was to validate. Neither one of us is doing very well with that. I don’t even know what to talk to him about. I stopped talking a long time ago, even about how my day went, and I’m having trouble getting back into it. I’m kinda getting an angry, defensive vibe from him, so I don’t see how an R convo would go well, even though that’s what we need. I’m not sure there is anything left to say anyways. I just want some sort of acknowledgment from him about my pain, and he has not been able to do that over the last several months that we’ve talked on our own. I think for him to acknowledge my hurts, he would have to admit to himself some things that are just too uncomfortable for him to deal with. We really haven’t begun to get into any deep issues at the MC and I’m getting frustrated.
I hate this, I just want to disappear sometimes. Or he can go away. Somebody do something. Blech…….
I'm happy, but I feel like the work is just about to begin, so I feel a little nervous and scared, too.