I've never subscribed to a website/forum like this one, but I guess I've never been in such a place in my marriage before. A bit of background---My wife and I have been together for 16 years, married for 13. In the past we were always best friends, lovers, business partners, etc. We had the marriage the many people would like to have had. We have two kids ages D9 and SD18. My wife had her first child when she was 20, so she went from her Mom’s house to moving in with me, to being married, and has never been on her own or cared for herself.
After the birth of our second child we collectively decided to not do daycare and my wife would stay home with the kids. She stayed home with the youngest until she was in 1st grade, when she took a part time job. My wife has told me in the past that she felt that it was MY money because she wasnt working. I have always told her and showed her that it was all ours and we were both contributing to our household. My wife is a very dynamic and talented woman…more-so than I think she ever believed, even when I told her. We have never had any major fights or arguments to speak of over the years, or that we didn’t discuss and work through. We have always been respectful of one another’s feelings, although, my wife isn’t much of a talker about her own issues/feelings. I have to drag them out of her. Conversely, I talk WAY too much, and I know it makes her nuts. I have a hard time concisely articulating my feelings.
She started her own business about a year and a half ago, and she began experiencing personal successes and achievements, which brought her accolades from people other than me. I encouraged and supported her. This seemed to have been when the troubles with us began (at least to my knowledge). At her encouragement, I began participating in her business and make it a joint venture. I kept my corporate job, and helped her out however and whenever I could. Ultimately, that business failed this spring, however, she made some great friends with people that are successful. She will be starting her business again this spring, and in the past few weeks began working for one of her past (and very successful) business partners for the time being.
When the business failed, her challenges began to be on the surface. We had an emotional discussion in June, when she told me that she didn’t know what she wanted or what her problem was, and that she was going to go to therapy. She was in therapy for a month or so, and she informed me that she needed space, less “mushy” stuff, and independence. Space at that point seemed to mean that she needed to be able to go and do things on her own. Due to my having spent much of our marriage working to support our lifestyle, most all of our friends are mutual friends. She felt that we were very co-dependant and needed to do things on our own. OK, admittedly I should have done a better job at providing this. I will step up and say that I likely continued to smother her with love as a reaction and effort to hold on to her. About two weeks ago she came home from her mother’s and told me that she didn’t love me anymore. I cried, yelled, pleaded, rationalized, etc . She was almost emotionless.
I asked her to go to marriage counseling to see if we could work things out and make changes as individuals and a couple. We’ve been to one session, which consisted of rehashing all of the details of where we’re at so that the counselor can begin to understand us. We both liked her, and she has agreed to continue going as long as she feels it’s productive. She told me that this isn’t a magic pill, and she feels the way she feels, but is a willing participant in the therapy. After the session, we agreed to co-exist as friends for the time being. We’re living together, sleeping in the same bed (on our respective sides). It’s still hard, but I am better at this than in the past as I am hoping therapy will help us find resolution. I love her and I don’t want to just quit, I would like us to repair our marriage. Everything in my heart tells me that there is something missing that is causing her to feel that she doesn’t love me, rather than her just simply deciding this in recent months. She told the MC that I am a great husband, father, provider, and man. I do not believe there is and EA going on either.
What is going on?! Can we save this even though she doesn’t love me right now? I've stopped moping and seeming desperate and sad. I am trying every day to be positive, friendly, and go out and do things on my own as well. This stinks though! -Confused
What do you base this belief on? Have you checked it out?
Your wife sounds a LOT like my wife (went from living with her parents to living with me, SAHM, then got a job, suddenly not happy, etc., etc.), and there are a lot of "red flags" in your post. The good news is, it would help explain a lot, and would probably mean her "I don't love you" statements are just re-writing of marital history, which is reversible.
I got very 'empty nest' syndrome. Even though the kids were at home they didn't need me as much. I lost my direction and didn't know what I wanted in life. I was numb. So numb that I used to sometimes joke to friends that life would be great if my lifestyle remained the same but my H went elsewhere for sex. Of course I never said that to him, but due to my inability to show affection he did just that!. However, by the time I found that out I had gone through the numb stage and was in IC, ( actually Cogniive Behavioural Therapy).
Women go through many stages of life, whilst men , whatever is going on at home, go out each day and keep pretty much the same routine. It changes for women. I felt as though my use in the world had gone when the children reached a certain point. Life seemed very bleak. I have to fight that feeling all the time even though I am lucky and my M is now on track and I am thoroughly spoilt - I have everything I could wish for- four healthy intelligent children, my horses, a nice house, good friends etc.....but sometimes something is missing and discontent moves in. I used to blame it on my H and now I have learned it is me and NOT him. It took quite a while to work it out though.
Try using MC to find out what she feels inside- what she sees the future holding? can she see ahead at all?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks for the insight and responses so far. Puppy, I haven't investigated, but I am going on faith that we still have enough of a respect for one another that she's telling the truth. I believe her at this point. Naive or not.
Saffie, I will try finding out what she wants and needs in therapy tomorrow. Only second session, and I am being cautious to not push her farther away. Our relationship has always (to my knowledge) been great...loving, fun, etc. It has not been as fun in the past 8 months, and not as loving for the past 4 or 5. I hate this and the fact that I don't know how to fix it. I don't have any tagibles to work with, just "i don't love you."
The other thing that I am struggling with Saffie, is that she admits that it's her, and she has the need to be indepent, and just doesn't love me. I just feel like there must be something that is making her feel that way that we can work on together. I am not ready to give up on 16 years of marriage to her.
Thanks for the insight and responses so far. Puppy, I haven't investigated, but I am going on faith that we still have enough of a respect for one another that she's telling the truth. I believe her at this point. Naive or not.
Yes, that's very naive. But also your choice, so I'll respect it. Just please be careful.
Thanks Puppy. I have so few answers to anything right now, I am taking it one step at a time, and hoping that she will continue MC with me to find some answers. I appreciate your respecting my position at the moment.
Unfortunately Confused, I agree with Puppy. Lots of red flags. Keep your eyes opened and I will hope with you that this has nothing to do with anyone but her.
I don't know how to confirm this one way or the other without potentially having her find out, completely distrust me, and have us be totally done...above and beyond taking her word.
