You are not a fool of any kind, least of all because you dream. That is where reality comes from (not in a new age kind of way, but we dream, then we act).
That you dram and have hung in there for D11 is awesome. You should be proud of yourself.
I know that pain and I know that sleep is sometimes the only escape. I also know that having a great adventure with D11 will help too.
It's been a while since I've talked to you. Thank you for the encouragement with my stich.
I've been doing a lot of research about my how my wife acts. There's a psychological condition called passive/aggressive. What I gather from my research it's a silent hatred which she has no control over. All these years of the silent treatment and lack of a physical relationship points toward this condition.
She has been punishing me for her lack of communication skills. And a few days ago she bursted out in anger when I confronted her behavior. She does what she wants and doesn't give a definate answer if I ask her for anything.
New Plan:
1)Start journalling her moods. Find a pattern and use as a opportunity for her to vent.
2)Don't let her get away with a maybe or I guess. Either yes or no if it's anything else take it as a no. Example: ME: Would you like to join me for a drink. Wife: Well, maybe if I get this done or that done or blah...blah..blah... ME: Okay then I'll go by myself.
3)Go back to the marriage councelor for me.
4) If she's moody ask what's wrong. If she says nothing then ask if everything is okay. Get her to say yes or no. If she says she's okay then the ownership of her unhappiness falls on her not on me. If she has a problem then it's time for me to listen.
5) There maybe more steps but this one I hope I don't have to use, unless she continues to be stubborn. What I read is a passive/aggressive personality in a relationship gets worse as the years go on. If I want a loving realationship then I'll have to get a divorce.
I'm praying that I don't have to resort to #5. It seems the more I look into this problem, the slimmer the chance things will progressively get better.
4) If she's moody ask what's wrong. If she says nothing then ask if everything is okay. Get her to say yes or no. If she says she's okay then the ownership of her unhappiness falls on her not on me. If she has a problem then it's time for me to listen.
Modify: What's wrong...with what can I do to help. Just a suggestion.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
My H can do the passive/aggressive thing. Also, avoidant personality disorder. Don't know if it is something that might fit your W. Just another thing to look at.
Jack - I like that idea of asking if she needs any help. It still makes her responsible for her own emotions.
Grace - I'll look up the avoidant personality disorder to see if this is her problem.
Another thing to to add.
6)Pick my battles
7) If she does something which bothers me, don't let her get away with it. Confront her action and don't make it personal keep the focus on the action and my comments short. If she doesn't agree - don't argue.
8)Don't let her know what I want. Her passive aggressive attitude will foul her thinking. She will end up sabotaging my plans.
9)Take her control away. She tends to screw me over but tries to smooth it over.
Example: Wife: I'm eating over a friends with D11 tonight. Do you want me to pick up a TV dinner from the market? I'm already there.
Something bothers me just a little bit...and I am hoping that it got lost in the translation.
Why isn't it:
Quote:
Wife: I'm eating over a friends with D11 tonight. Do you want me to pick up a TV dinner from the market? I'm already there.
No thank you- I'll take care of my own dinner.
OR
Thanks for thinking of me, that would be great?
What am I missing?
We get what we give...even if it takes along time of giving to get.
I USED to ask my wife a questions and then supply her a multiple choice of answers.
I.E. Why did you do this...was it because of that or this or this other thing.
When I figured out that I was sabotaging our conversations and giving her the easy way out by providing answers for her, I stopped and our communications have really flourished.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
My wife goes out a lot. Her famous line is I'm not doing anything when I confront her. She controls much of what goes on in our R. She makes plans and I'm left with D11. Last week I told her she wasn't a good mother - pissed her off so much she started pushing me. For her to have dinner with our friend and not invite me was her way of getting back at me. It's not uncommon if her friend eats over our house of we eat over hers.
My answer is I'll take care of my own dinner prevented her from controlling the situation. If I let her get me something then she could feel good about not inviting me.
May sound selfish, but I think it worked. When she came home she was quiet as usual. I spoke first and we had a nice conversation.
Jack - I'll keep things nice. Depending what happens in the next few months I may decide to pursue a divorce. I know she won't unless her councelor helps figure out what she wants.
So far the new plan is working. It's only been in place a few days so only time can tell.
She's been sleeping on the couch so I confronted her yesterday about what she's doing. I asked if staying on the couch was going to be a permanent thing. Her reply was "I don't know." Instead taking that as an answer I told her I wanted a Yes or no answer. I told her how I thought it was unfair for all the uncertainy this type of answer can cause. So I asked is it a yes or no. She replied No.
When I asked if she was coming to bed tonight she said I guess. I came back with then this means no. Her answer was then okay it's a no. I told her a no is better than a maybe or I guess or anything like that. The I asked her one more time yes or no are you coming to bed tonight? She said yes.
I would have thought she would have shut down for the rest of the evening. Instead we watch a regular television show together. She told me she didn't like what was on and it was creeping her out. I asked why it was creeping her out. She said she didn't know why. So I asked if it was because of all the violence in this epidsode. No not that she came back. It's more of the setting, it's too much like home. Oh I said, I can understand how this would bother you - here you can watch something we both like.
She changed the channel and we watched a show we both could enjoy. Now and then she would bring up things that were on her mind. I listened to what she had to say and did my best to actively listen. The day went well and then she told me she had to go out. Oh okay (it was late)well it's getting cold you better bundle up. She stayed around longer and I had the feeling she wouldn't have mind staying around. She then left and gave me a quick peck on the lips.
I don't know what time she came home but it was late. She slipped into bed and fell fast asleep snoring away.
Last night my W planned on taking D11 out with her. She planned on going over our F's house but our F backed out at the last minute. Instead she went out with another F for a few drinks and came right home.
My SS22 came home so I asked my W if she wanted to go out for a few drinks. She said yes but had to wait for the laundry to finish. Later, she was watching TV and I asked if she was ready to go out. She said yes and then continued to watch TV. After her show was over I asked if she was ready yet again. This time she said she didn't want to stay out late and I told her I didn't either. About a half hour later I finally said if you don't want to go out we don't have to. She said she didn't want to. Right after that she fell a sleep in the chair.
Her PA personality has shown me that she can't agree to what she's saying. She switched from the I don't know response to one where she is saying yes and not following through with her plans.
Went I went to bed I woker her up and asked if she going to bed. She told me she would be up in a minute. I went to bed and stretched out to enjoy a night alone. Hours later she comes into bed, rips the pillow away from me and goes to sleep.
I think I should address her coming to bed and taking the pillow away from me. I think I should also address her saying yes and not following through.
