EB. I think the fact that you have made it a year after the bomb is probably a good sign. Do you think things have been improving the past couple of months? Just wondering.
In your situation, I would almost suggest her leaving. I think that is the only way she is going to truly find out what she is leaving. She hasn't been able to do that yet.
M 33, W 30, SD 10, D 5, S 4
Made it through the WAW, living happily together now. And I am much wiser for it!
Things have improved on a lot of fronts. She's not going out like she used to, she's not constantly angry, etc. She's still not happy though. I have been identified as the culpret (sp?).
Still very frustrating though. I really wish she would leave for a while. I just wish she wasn't planning on buying a place.
W called a little bit ago to tell me S got in trouble for talking in school today. S was concerned that W was upset. W turned it into some deep seeded 'issue' like she does with everything anymore. It's all aout how her feelings shouldn't be so important to her. He should be more concerned with his own feelings blah, blah, blah. Why the F can't it just be that a little boy got in trouble and doesn want Mom to be upset with him? Why does everything need to be treated as it's some end of the world psychological issue?
I told her that I thought it was pretty normal for a kid to be concerned when Mom is disappointed. She blew me off and didn't even acknowledge that she heard me so I restated my point in a different way. She got pissed. Once again I am trying to control her into thinking my way.
I can't deal with this insanity any more. There's always drama and deep issues to blame for everything. Control and dependency are at the root of everything. The only 'healthy' people are completely self-centered. If other people matter than you are 'sick.'
WTF?
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
W called a little bit ago to tell me S got in trouble for talking in school today. S was concerned that W was upset. W turned it into some deep seeded 'issue' like she does with everything anymore. It's all aout how her feelings shouldn't be so important to her. He should be more concerned with his own feelings blah, blah, blah. Why the F can't it just be that a little boy got in trouble and doesn want Mom to be upset with him? Why does everything need to be treated as it's some end of the world psychological issue?
I told her that I thought it was pretty normal for a kid to be concerned when Mom is disappointed. She blew me off and didn't even acknowledge that she heard me so I restated my point in a different way. She got pissed. Once again I am trying to control her into thinking my way.
My guess is that she felt not heard when you "control her into thinking your way" and think things like "blah blah blah." As a woman, this would upset me, and it seems to be a common communication problem between men and women.
I think if you try hearing, validating, and reflecting back to her what she is feeling - she would feel better and not need to blow you off. She might then feel more open to listening to you.
It works with my H. I shut up and listen first. Especially if I'm angry and disagree. It often softens him up to see the other side when he feels heard first.
Really, it's your only hope. Sure it would be great if they heard our feelings first. But do you think they are in any mood for that? No. They are leaving. The only way for them to care at all about how we feel is for us to show our 180's - be very empathetic and open to their feelings and viewpoints.
Thanks Hope. The on again off again stuff is starting to take a toll on me. I'm a bit of an emotional mess, then I'm detached, then trying to be a good understanding husband. She's changing her tune quickly and often too.
It really fry's me when she starts going on about all of the "issues" that have to be at the heart of everything. It's a hot button for me because I am sick of hearing how loving and caring feelings and behaviors are "sick & unhealthy." Wanting to be with someone, doing nice things for your spouse, caring about the feelings of others? These things are all mental disorders according to her. Mind you I'm not talking about taking things to some uber-crazy level of these things, but a level that I feel should be present in a loving dedicated marriage.
It seems that things are starting to progress then we step right back to where we were months ago. She's mentally distant and shut off. She's "protecting" herself. WTF? I've been loving, caring, and understanding and it's still seem as "me against you?"
I just want this crap to be done with. I want to feel like we are on the same side.
The one year anniversary of the bomb being can't be helping either.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
It really fry's me when she starts going on about all of the "issues" that have to be at the heart of everything. It's a hot button for me because I am sick of hearing how loving and caring feelings and behaviors are "sick & unhealthy."
Hey man, that's frustration talking, not detachment. I know how you feel. I still have times like that. He!!, I had them over this past weekend while on vacation with my W and kids.
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Wanting to be with someone, doing nice things for your spouse, caring about the feelings of others? These things are all mental disorders according to her. Mind you I'm not talking about taking things to some uber-crazy level of these things, but a level that I feel should be present in a loving dedicated marriage.
I agree with you, if you were in a "normal" M, but you're not (no one here short of reconciliation is either). So, if you aren't at the reconciliation stage, why are you expecting her to act a certain way towards you? You can't.
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I just want this crap to be done with. I want to feel like we are on the same side.
I understand. I really do b/c I feel that way about my M too. If you are truly done, no one here will hold that against you. Just make sure you are really done. It's ok to have the emotions you have. Just make sure your actions are based on reasoned thought, not emotion. You know the 48 hour rule, right?
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The one year anniversary of the bomb being can't be helping either.
Remind me, how long have you been DB'ing? Have you been DB'ing for a year?
If you are just venting, man, that's completely ok - I do it and think this is a great place for that.
I hear a lot of still being attached to your W's moods, still having expectations and frustration in your post. Some of that is normal. Detaching means her moods dont dictate yours. And no expectations means just that - you cannot be disappointed in an outcome if you aren't clinging to another outcome.
GIMA- You're right. Our marriage is not a normal happy marriage at this point. Thanks for the reminder.
I am sure it's the frustration talking. The detached feeling comes and goes. The times of sleeping together, hugging and kissing make it very hard for me to maintain it though.
I read the DR book in July. The bomb was Oct 17 '08. Even though we've been going through this for a year I guess I've only ben DBing for 3 or 4 months.
I'm not ready to give up. I decided in the beginning that love was a decision and I've made my decision. I'm just ventiing I guess.
Thanks for making me think.
Focusing on the positives...I got to snuggle and sleep with my W only a week and a half ago. Can't get much more positive than that!
Last edited by Energizer Bunny; 10/14/0907:46 PM. Reason: cell phone keys stick
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
I read the DR book in July. The bomb was Oct 17 '08. Even though we've been going through this for a year I guess I've only ben DBing for 3 or 4 months.
I'm not ready to give up. I decided in the beginning that love was a decision and I've made my decision. I'm just ventiing I guess.
Bunny,
I've never really followed your sitch, so forgive the uninformed question: have you communicated "I will wait as long as it takes" stance to your wife?
I had initially given myself a year. That's probably why I'm having hard week. As long a it takes? It sounds good but, I will eventually reach a point of stopping if it feels like a dead horse.
Stronger name? Yeah...probably. I started with Giving My All, but then saw GIMA ho was here first. All I could think of was that I am "still going" like the Energizer Bunny the old commercials so that's what I went with. Kind of funny to see it now.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
GIMA- You're right. Our marriage is not a normal happy marriage at this point. Thanks for the reminder.
I am sure it's the frustration talking. The detached feeling comes and goes. The times of sleeping together, hugging and kissing make it very hard for me to maintain it though.
I read the DR book in July. The bomb was Oct 17 '08. Even though we've been going through this for a year I guess I've only ben DBing for 3 or 4 months.
I'm not ready to give up. I decided in the beginning that love was a decision and I've made my decision. I'm just ventiing I guess.
Thanks for making me think.
Focusing on the positives...I got to snuggle and sleep with my W only a week and a half ago. Can't get much more positive than that!
My W and I have not slept in the same bed since the bomb, so I can only imagine how confusing that must be for you. If you cannot do that without developing expectations (and I don't know that I could), you may have to put your foot down on that until you are at a place where you can handle it.
It also strikes me that your W is cake eating - she gets to cling to her decision to D, but she gets to keep you when SHE wants you. It's not a two way street right now, and it should be.
While your bomb was about a year ago, realistically, you've only been at this with DB for about the same amount of time as me. Just keep that in mind when you set your goals and monitor your progress.
I know it's not easy, but you can do it. Sounds like tonight or sometime soon would be a good time to ramp up your GAL'ing.
