It seems to be working.... sometimes #2

[sandycay]

Honestly,

I have no idea. You know at some point conversation is pointless cause it goes round and round. So it really doesn't help if I press him to talk about it. He's here, he's gonna keep his promise that he will be here. Or.... I should let you go, not fair to you, I will never feel love again, I should go, I don't want to go, I am not going .. pick any answer and I have heard them all so on one hand I think if I keep talking it will press him to bale.

So my attitude now (all though my brain is obsessed with thoughts 24/7) is he is here today this minute and I can't worry if or when up decides to up and leave. I am going to be happy. So I got my game face on. (today) Was upbeat last night and went to the gym at 6:30 and stayed till 8 last night which I never do cause that's family time. He knew I had already run in the morning so that was different. I am trying something different. I folded clothes in the laundry room (usually do it in the fam/kitchen area) and guess who came to talk to me. Said I was going to the AFbase on Thursday to do a commissary run ... he says go Wednesday that way I can help you.... mixed messages....

I figure if he leaves ... he leaves... I can't control it but I can make it darn hard to want to leave this. I think that's why he hasn't left... I treat him better than I ever have and have done so for 1 1/2 years consistently. I think he knows and I know if he leaves again I am done...

The funny thing is I think he does need to be alone to figure out his stuff but the situation doesn't apply anymore. He can't leave again and come back. I won't do it.

Interestingly enough OW birthday is tomorrow.... I wonder if this is playing a role in his down spiral. This is exaclty the time of year it started to spiral down for him too. Although they were never "together" on her birthday.... see where my mind goes? I don't see any evidence other than his pull back of OW, his time is accounted for, he has no phone, but where there is a will there is a way,so I guess as long as he is in the no man's land I will have doubt.