Cutters story

[chatterbug]

Hi Here is my story.

BS here. 39 and WAS is 36. Together 13 years, Married 10 years and no kids.

Marriage : A very loving marriage up to June this year. We have had problems communicating the past few years on our goals and with house responsiblilities. WAS got a few promotions and we stopped spending quality time together. Which I complained about and it became an issue. And less and less time together. I countered by making nice dinners and just started to give up after awhile. I became depressed over the whole issue and just turned into myself. ( Turned to red wine and mopping ) We would still have great days together but they became less and less.

Enter OM : Boss at work. Problems with M at home. 3 children. WAS explained time together as mentoring for new position. Things went down hill in July. I watched myself being replaced and just shut down. I also injured myself at that time and could not do any work around the house. So the house fell apart. Which triggered a mini MLC in myself.

Well as I was dealing with all this the EA took off and then the PA happened 3 weeks before D-DAY. I wrote a 6 page letter 3 days before the ILYBNILWY speach. In this letter I explained how everything was falling apart and that I was falling apart and needed her help and how she was not there for me in my time of need. WAS has had mood swings through out marriage and I have always stood by. We also had children issues and tried invetro but it did not work. It broke my heart and I felt like I was a failure to my wife and could not watch her ever go through that pain again. We could not really talk about this issue as I just locked it away. The settings were all in place for this to happen.

D-Day came 2 weeks after the PA started. I found out rather easy as WAS was leaving hints and also had one week of just texting all hours of the day and night. So it was easy to find out. I read emails detailing it as well and a diary that was started on the day of the PA. The diary was very very foggy. Felt like I was reading a 15 year olds diary.

Well D-Day I did not know about all this DB'ing stuff and just lost it. Not screaming lost it. As I do not scream. I stated I wanted a D and said we cannot stay together and wanted her out of the house by the 15th of the next month. I got the fog answers of 'Soulmates' ,,, etc.... I have no idea what I did over the next 2 days as I just fell apart. But I decided to expose.
Exposure was spread out. But within 2 weeks. Exposure was limited to Immediate family both sides and close friends.

I started to Plan A. Which was make lunches and dinners and be supportive and try to not talk about the affair. But it did come up quite a bit. We stepped into seperation papers and had a pint afterwards. This was the first time I had it rubbed in my face. I just bit my tongue. And set a boundry that it should not be shoved in my face.

So I started to GAL.
Which was to increase exercising. Run all the time. Repairing my knee so it has really helped.
GAL caused tit for tat reactions from WAS. I felt I was dealing with a high school girl not a grown woman. And yes it hurt but I did not blow up and kept my cool.
Until one night I went out for dinner with a friend. I knew that the OM was out of the country for 30 days on a business trip.

[chatterbug]

Well WAS wanted to know what I was up to that night and I just said going out to dinner with a friend. She responded by texting me that she needed her passport when I was out for dinner and then left the info for her trip to the OM for me to find on the computer. I just pretended I did not know. Then 2 nights later she talked to OM on the phone for 45 minutes. So I had to hear one side of the conversation. I walked downstairs when the conversation was over and blew up on her for the first time in my life. Told her she needed to be gone in 2 days and gave her the I am the giver of this relationship speach and that she continues to take and take. She was out in 2 days.
This was followed by me just being very angry and just reacting and reacting.

I then discovered this site and ordered the book DB and read and read and read.

[LTD]

I am sorry to hear about your situation. From the sounds of it, you need to focus on yourself. As hard as it is, you need to keep yourself as busy as possible. When my situation happened, it was overwhelming at first. A few months down the road it is still very difficult, but I can at least focus on other things. My guess is that right now it's all you can think about. You will get through this! There is a community here to support you and you have found it early, which is good.

[chatterbug]

I decided because of our relationship being a very one sided giver taker relationship that I would enter plan B. I was sick of being a door-mat and I was being hurt by her constantly rubbing the affair in my face. So I decided that it was time she thought of me for a change. I decided that I needed to take control of my life and grow some.
So on the 22nd I started Plan B. This involved a communication to the OMW's and a phone call with her. She wanted to save her marriage as well and was involved in an EA of her own. So I gave her all the info I knew and also mentioned the trip to her.
I also contacted the last of our good friends who did not know what was going on.
I also contacted 3 of our close friends and stated that I would no longer be communicating with WAS unless it was important.
I also sent the Plan B letter to WAS and said left her the one way back. NC with OM and we can talk about our R.
This resulted in many emails , phone calls and Texts. I ended up listening to WAS at 3:30 in the morning for 20 minutes and just bit my tongue and stated over and over to read the letter. That was the last time I have heard her voice. The last time I saw her was on the 14th of Sept.

WAS first test was to come over and get some stuff from the house. Which was sent to me in email and text. Which I ignored. Finally one of the IM's sent me a message so I said yes.
I also kept receiving the odd text message asking if I had something I wanted to talk about. Which I ignored. And the odd one asking if I was enjoying a sporting event. I ignored.

I continued to Plan B and GAL. I kept in touch with close friends. Ordered some additional self help books and started to look at my life, values and what went wrong with the relationship. I also communicated with a few good friends on this and my mom.
I also got the house back in order and started to get repairs done on the house.
I do know that this was noticed by WAS as she was mentioning it before I kicked her out.

The stress of it all cost me 35 pounds. Which was were I was working towards anyways. So I am now at my ideal weight. I am going out with old friends. Being active in the community with coaching sports for children. Running 3 times a week ( I started this to run with WAS but decided to keep it going anyways as I was now enjoying it for myself. And I have worked my way up to 10KM 3 days a week )

I decided to get back my gonards as well.

So I am happy who I am. And I am at a point now where I just think of WAS 60% of the day. I keep busy. But at the same time I make sure I have some time to myself to reflect and learn more about myself.

The week the WAS was away with OM really killed me. Which was last week. But I wrote it out and delt with it. And talked it out with my Mom.

My Mom still had not talked to WAS since this all started so I convinced her to talk to WAS. I coached her on the fog and water off a ducks back. Mom did not want to do this as it was many weeks later and she was very angry as they had a very close relationship.

But an article appeared in the paper this past sunday. Which I will post a bit further down.

Well my MOM cut out the article and called WAS and told her to come over. WAS was there for 2 hours and still called her MOM and she too has lost a ton of weight. And MOM says that she has really aged over all this. MOM gave her the stick and when the fog came out she would just say. 'Why are you getting defensive I asked a question please answer it' She also really rubbed in the fact that WAS was keeping a father away from 3 children. WAS mentioned that everyone has just been guilting her over this choice and it is not stopping. Mom make WAS read the article. There were lots of tears and palms to the face.
Well the conversation ended with the carrot and some hints of my GAL's ( mentioned that i was running still which caught her by surprise ). WAS stated that I would never forgive her as I do not talk to her anymore. MOM replied that if she wants forgiveness that she has to work for it. And then she also left an opening for WAS to come back. They left the conversation with WAS asking to take the article to think about it. Also WAS stated she would call in a week. That night WAS emailed a friend asking for forgiveness for her actions. Next day WAS contacted the last side of our family that did not know about all this and told them. As I started to get messages from them. Which has really set me off Plan B'ing as I am just thinking about her all the time again.

So this is where I am at.

My plans are to continue to Plan B and GAL. I realized that this is a parallel path right at the beginning. It sets me up for my life as I want it. Be that by myself , R healing or starting from scratch again with another person. I have locked away a small bit of love for my wife and will continue to honour and respect my marriage vows until I am single again. Where I am located it is one year from seperation. I also know that I would try to work this out and build a better relationship with my wife. But I know that this has to be her choice as well. I will use this site to ask opinions and to talk out any issues I have.

I am proud that I did not give up. That I found an innerstrenght to reflect and begin to work out my issues I had with myself. I have avoided red wine and only have social drinks now. And I am liking this weight loss and being open to myself.

Opinions please of my continued plan B ?

[chatterbug]

Here is the article.

Dear Readers: I have received so many questions in the last month about cheating spouses that I wanted to write a general response to a few of the letters written to me. I posted this last week on the blog, but I am going to put it in print for those who aren't online.

I have been sorting through various responses received on this and have to say that this topic always causes quite a stir. Those with guilty consciences seem to come out of the woodwork, as do those who are on the receiving end and can relate. I would like to thank everyone for sharing their stories and opinions.

To respond globally to some of the questions posed: No matter what your views on this are, whether or not you have a personal interest in the matter, or whether it is your own "little friendship" involved, the fact remains that the person is married. No amount of denial, defensiveness or justification on anyone's part can change that.

If indeed a couple was having marital difficulties before, that is something between the couple, not the couple and the affair-ee. To air your marital strife to the "other man/woman" is immature, and hurtful and unfair to the one who should be hearing it: The spouse. As for the cheating, if the other man/woman thinks it can't happen to them, think again. Likely the person has done it before, and odds are, they'll do it again.

If there is no affair, and it is just a friendship, there is no reason for it to be hidden from the spouse. I believe a man and woman can have a platonic relationship, as long as there is respect for something called boundaries. If either one oversteps the boundaries, all bets are off. If the spouse is a jealous person and has trust issues, hiding the relationship and having them find out later will just make it worse. I'll say it again: No trust equals no relationship.

It is far too easy to walk away from marriages these days. This is especially true when one spouse finds someone else who tickles their fancy a little more than their husband or wife. It doesn't have to be a sexual relationship. It can simply be a person who listens to their problems with a sympathetic ear, or laughs with them over silly things, and perhaps their spouse doesn't do that anymore. Instead of looking at this other person and thinking "he/she is so much better than my husband/wife," why not look at it with the attitude of "how can my spouse and I work on things so that we have this type of relationship again?" That alone may save a marriage or two. And there you have it ... my two cents."

[LTD]

Looks like you're already heading where I was talking about in my previous post.

I think it's great to respect your marriage vows, I agree with that 100%. Two wrongs don't make a right. Another poster on this site, Puppy, made the case to me that even if you don't date anyone else, it can be useful to not rule that out to your spouse. He has been on here for a while and says he has seen that do wonders to turn around situations. It is something I will look into myself.

[chatterbug]

Well my friends are of both sexes. I have also reconnected with some female friends. I made it very clear to them that I am healing and would not want to be involved in any relationship. As right now I can see how easy it is to get attached. I also told one close friend that they need to keep an eye on me with that stuff. I make sure I limit my time with any of my single female friends to once every 2 to 3 weeks. I do not think of them as dates. Though one involved a hockey game and a dinner. Which was nice. If I notice that I am developing feelings then I will back it off to once a month. And if anyone steps past that boundry I will tell them that I am honouring my wedding vows. This marriage ends on one affair not two.

I used the light hearted expression. "This is how easy I can get attached right now because I am very hurt and confused. You like milk. I like ice cream. Wow we're made for each other. I think I found my new wife" Brings a simle and a laugh. I have not spoken with WAS about any relationships in my life. I did not bring it up. Felt it was personal info she did not need to know any more about.

[chatterbug]

This week I have woken up at 4:05am every single day. And cannot fall back to sleep. Like clockwork. Bizarre.

Good deed today : Helped a friend through a tough time with an emotional affair.

For myself I got a hair cut and now I am going to go work out in the back yard.

Bump for opinions on my stich.

[LTD]

If your body is waking up that early, you may as well take advantage of it. You can get a lot done by 8 if you wake up at 4.

It seems like you have a good handle on things. Hang in there.

[undrdg]

cutterbug

I am sorry for your sitch. We are all sort of in the same place. Small details separate us and time is always our enemy it seems.

Your situation is so tough. I can only imagine the unbearable pain you must be going through. It is so hard to have to compete with your wife's heart when another man is involved.

I do not know why, but isn't it strange how we get so much more angry at the man than at our own wives for the affair? Alteast I do. ITs like they broke the ultimate guy code.

They say that you should let the W go. They say that if you set her free, and she comes back she is yours to begin with. I do not understand. If the shoe was on the other foot, they would be in the same boat as us. Not wanting to let go.

whatever transgression happened in the past are in the past, but in the eyes of the WAW they are insurmountable and broken beyond repair. I hate that. I hate that defeatist the grass is greener on the other side, bullcrap. /rant over.

Cutterbug
The only advice i can offer is do you love your wife enough to forigve and forget?
The only way i see her breaking that affair is for her to come to her senses. And for her to come to her senses you have to be the man that she fell in love with in the first place.

Looks like you are well on your way to that.

Good luck sir.