Rob- I think your logic is sound and inspiring. Unfortunately, the premise and motivation behind DB is rooted in how bad divorce is and how it must be avoided at all costs. It is extremely difficult to reverse that conditioning and know whole-heartedly that there's a better life after divorce. Especially for women; MWD's recent article highlighted how much women suffer after divorce. Men on here are constantly spouting "let her see what it is like and she'll come running back." For the men, the challenges are similar depending on the angle one takes. But, it is tough to make the shift from valuing marriage as a critical entity to enthusiastically kissing it goodbye.
Somewhere in everyone that comes here is the "knowledge" that financially, emotionally, statistically, and for the benefit of the kids, staying married is better. Moving out of that paradigm has been a monumental challenge.
And I really got sick of reading here about how hard it is for single moms and "tee-hee, she'll fall on her face and come crawling back"...what does that infer for a LBW? Like moi?
Anyway, I'm not negating your post. I agree with it but it is a struggle to shift philosophically. We all know that delayed gratification is good and necessary sometimes. There are some situations that take years. I think most of your assertions apply no matter what.
That is the DB premise, you are correct AAK, take a stand for your marriage and fight for your marriage, be the rock that the marriage is built on, etc. Alot of the db principles are sound, I have nothing against that. My issue is with obstinate WAS's that do unthinkable things to hurt their former partners - at one point you have to rationalize in your head that this person did love you at one time but now choose to hurt you. Your choice is to hang in there, take the punishment, turn the other cheek, lovingly detach and hope that the "fog" lifts at one point and they realize how great a partner you are and that the marriage is worth it. However human nature being what it is, how many times are you going to be hurt by the other person before you resent them, how many times do you receive disrespectful treatment from your WAS before you reach your point of no return? As for divorce being harder on women, I'm not sure I agree with that, I would agree that divorce is hard on the LBS, man or woman. I know that men still get a raw deal during legal proceedings and joint custody issues and if they really want fair treatment in the eyes of the law when going through divorce & joint custody issues, they really have to fight for it and prove to everyone that they want to be treated fairly, if they don't fight for equal fair treatment, they get the "weekend dad" label, paying a ton of child & marital support because they took what was given to them. I almost fell into that trap but I wised up and know now that if I want what I want, I have to go out and get it.
Marriage is a financial agreement more than a romantic one.
As for LBW's or LBH's, I prefer LBS's, left behind spouses. Each gender has their own set of unique challenges when dealing with a WAS.
My post was intended for both sexes. Don't live in limbo forever, man or woman, don't allow anyone to actively disrespect you and push past all of your boundaries: man or woman. Know when to stand up for yourself, no when to say enough is enough and no when to walk away from someone who was supposed to be committed to you but chose to hurt, cheat & disrespect you. There is alot of power in that personal choice, it certainly generates alot of respect. Is the LRT for everyone, not sure, but people usually only change in these types of a situation when they're faced with a crisis - without that impetus, what else would make them move to action? We tend to value things that we don't have, as in "you don't know what you have until it's gone", we all want what we don't have, most of us don't appreciate what we do have, we all want to love & be loved, we reject people who try to control us and each & everyone of us have sold ourselves out of our existing marriages/relationships only to change our minds the next day and buy ourselves back in at prices that we wish we didn't have to pay.
It is a struggle to shift philosophically, and i'm not advocating everyone leave their spouses (especially not on a DB site), I am advocating leaving a spouse that is grossly disrespectful of you, your well-being and your life and the time you have in this life.
It's never an easy decision but it's a decision that has to be made - an uncomfortable decision laced with fear & doubt (what will happen when I actually decide to do this?) and we're all comfortable in our current "uncomfortable" places because change can be scary and lingering in doubt for several months to several years robs you of time you could be spending on other worthwhile pursuits.
Always remember life is precious, your own life is the most precious above all others, it's the only life you get to live, you don't get to live anyone else's life, that's why your life is the most important. When you do this, you set an example for your children to follow so that they can do the same thing in their own lives: they will only learn by your actions not by what you tell them.
