Hi JR, I think you were right to listen to your gut and to hold off on calling your W to chat - those initial instincts just don't often play out right in this situation.
I can understand your friends advice (and impatience) - it's just natural. Before this all started for me, I would have given (and did receive) the same kind of advice - and whenever I followed it, it backfired. It's just such a classic way to push someone who is already questioning things further away. While you friend might be right that she needs to finish what she started - you have to ask yourself just how much more patience you have.
Though my father's situation is different from yours and mine, he was separated from his second wife for four years before they got back together. During that time, he decided to go on with his life - and just leave it up to her to decide what to do next, and when to get the divorce. That was an unusual move for him - since he was the one who had pushed to divorce my mother (they're so different, I don't understand how they were ever together) - and he's also very assertive and proactive. But with his second wife, for whatever reason, he did not push it - just let her go at her pace and kept communication open.
Honestly, I just think talking about R is always a bad thing - even in a good relationship...I often find myself thinking that it's more important to "be" in an R and to talk about life - to offer one another support, etc, than to talk about the R - since R talk inevitably puts on person in some sort of defensive position - and that just never seems to go well.
From my perspective, it would be best to let your W bring up R/M - and if she does, then you listen and validate - you don't have to agree with everything she has to say - but you can let her know that you understand her POV and appreciate her openness with you (I would not suggest any of this, however, if your W were abusive - since, in my experience with my STBX, an abusive spouse takes validation of any kind and runs with it).
One thing, though, that your friend might be right about - is that you have to do more about getting on with your life. Acting as if you are fine, if need be - doing more for yourself might at first seem kind of selfish - but there is a healthy way to take care of yourself - and though I think you've already found it - sometimes it seems like too much of what you do keeps you in a state of solitude. I wouldn't go so far as to suggest you start dating - though I would suggest that you allow yourself the independence to go out and spend time among other people - interact with strangers - women even - just to get some reminders of who you are on your own, when you're happy and when you're feeling confident.
Have you checked out the Stockdale Paradox? Coach references it often: "You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
