Detachment

[25yearsmlc]

Antlers,

I understand your grief. I really do. I assumed you were in Cal based on K4's comments but that was erroneous. ANYHOW, I guess you are like my older sister who put her h thru law school and when his income was about to be in the 6 figures, he left her for OW...and whined about "how much" it all costs...and a month before my sister remarried, her ex h called to say he "gets it now", and knows he "F- up" and blah blah blah. Though I felt tremendous joy at this admission, it was short lived as I realized my sister's feelings were more noble. "How sad that even now, after all the damage the div did to the kids and me, HE is still miserable...that it took my getting remarried for him to wake up...if only he had realized this earlier..." PLEASE NOTE that my ex bil is very unusual in that he told my sister of his regrets. She's lucky in that sense b/c I know that 75% of divorcees report regretting their decision, 5 years after a divorce BUT how many of them told their lbs'ers? I have a feeling that very few actually admit it and not always due to pride, but "what's the point?" Or b/c they don't want to "betray" their new families or yes, b/c they're too proud or stupid or guilt ridden when they allow it, to admit they made a huge mistake that deeply hurt those whom they should most love.

Yes my older sister got screwed financially, but she is a happier woman now. That is all that matters even if my ex bil were also happy, which he's not. He is not in the equation and nor is your stbxw. Only you are in the equation of "Antler gets happy and enjoys his life"...you cannot measure your success in this by her failure... Nor can you ever know of her doubts and true feelings. Right now she thinks she's running from and to something...once she's arrived there, she'll reflect. I do have relatives who div only to remarry their exes later on (5 yrs later and 8 yrs later). It happens.

And I will say one positive thing for a divorce that can happen for some men...they become much closer to their children than they would have been otherwise. It's as if R talks and time spent "emoting and sharing" are often inadvertently left up to the wife...so when she's gone, the byproduct is that the father becomes much more involved and close to his children.
Hey, I'm not saying "YAY!" but I am pointing out the point you already made...you are being a great dad and that counts....

I knew your kids were not going on to the state welfare rolls, but am saying that's the root of the original laws saying "pay up whether you believe the CS is 'needed' or not" but you know, you could always put it into a college account if stbxw really doesn't need it....and I think the reality is that the court
will order it anyhow...and you don't want to look like you're being punitive in any way or selfish, etc. (I know you aren't but you'd be surprised at how courts can rule when the L for your w says certain things, etc) and they'll also argue that you could not have worked/succeeded as much in your career if your w were not caring for the kids at home thereby allowing you to work whichever shifts, or make certain career moves and or that you also benefitted from her getting her CPA b/c the life style went up for all, etc blah blah blah. I assume it's a no fault state? Won't her OM's income count for something there?

Hey I'm not defending her, okay? Just preparing you so you don't lose your cool in front of her if these things get said...If you can always know that you acted with dignity, in the face of anything that comes, that's worth a lot more than you may now realize...

Stay strong. This too, will pass. And you control ALL the realities in your new life as far as being happy. Her relative happiness/regret level is not relevant. Only yours is...and I think you will be happy down the road. How long it takes is up to you. Only you.
((( J- )))