So much running through my mind right now, hard to keep focused. Anniversary is coming up on Sunday. 23 years. Last year she was in "remission" from her MLC and we had a good date. This year - ??
Based on some other advice I got from here, I am giving her a digital keychain and frame with pictures preloaded of the kids, her sisters, her parents and my parents. None of me. Also the latest Bon Jovi CD. Been trying to find a card, but not many out there that talk about anniversaries when in a MLC. Thinking about a blank card - wishing her a happy anniversary, with three questions: How are You, How am I and How are we?
Going back and forth between MLC and piecing. It's hard. Try something suggested in piecing, seems to back fire, then slide back into MLC and disengaging.
Read many self help books that have really helped me, but still unsure which one to use on any particular day or even hour. With out any info from her it's hard to tell what will work and what won't. So I try, what works I keep doing, what doesn't sends me backward and into a depression - wondering if it's worth it. But because they seem inter-linked, it's hard to know what path to take.
Read 5 love languages. Understand my LL, think I know hers, but until she tells me, it's still a guess. Read Michelles books, diving deep into these forum's. Reading PM, but think I may be premature on that one. Some good suggestions from a book on how to imrpove marriage without talking about it, digging a bit deeper into what PM talks about. Still wonder if I'm premature about applying those suggestions.
Mostly, I "think" I understand what she is looking for. But until she tells me, it's still a guess. So it's mostly going back to when we were "good". I'm talking to her more. I'm saying thank you to her, showing appreciation. And at the same time - trying to disengage. No Gifts. Leaving her alone, no calling or texting unless she intitiates. Wondering if I'm doing to much of what she needs at the same time wondering if she really wants me to disengage.
Some good and bad signs.
Good - still sleeping in the same bed, not much else. No physical contact unless I intitate a hug. Tried that yesterday - not a good sign intially - she didn't hug back for a couple of seconds and then finally put her arms up on my back. Good and bad there. We talk more, every day - I'm sharing more about my work with her, talk about the kids, but don't ask about her day unless she brings it up.
Bad - yesterday, she was cleanign the kitchen. Asked her what she wanted to do about dinner. "hadn't thought about it". Asked if she wanted me to go ahead and make something - sure, see what the boys want was her response. So I asked, they said they didn't care. On the counter was a meal kit that she had pulled out of the pantry - asked if I should go ahead and make that? I don't care - see if the boys will eat it. So I asked, they said yes. So I spent the next 30 minutes making dinner while she finished cleaning the kitchen. As I finished up and was starting to set everything up, she fires up some leftover noodles in the microwave, and leaves for the bedroom, turns the TV on and sits down to watch TV and eat her noodles. Previously, I would have sulked all night about this. But I confronted her -told her that it was inconsiderate of her to completely ignore the fact that I was making dinner for all of us and she goes ahead and makes something else and leaves the room to go and eat it. Then I left the room. Felt good about sharing how I felt.
Bad - she stopped wearing her wedding ring again. Don't know why, don't know if the EA has started up again. Not snooping any more.
Good - water heater went out this morning. W called me at work, but couldn't explain the problem, just water all over the basement. So I went home, discovered the water heater had sprung a leak and proceeded to shut down the hot water, and clean up. Told her it might be a couple of days of no hot water until we get a new one installed. As I was leaving to go back to work, she said thanks for coming home and fix this.
So I need to continually remind myslef of the good little things I see and making myself better. But there are times I just want to ask her to leave - go and find out if she really wants to be on her own. Want to aske her about us - what has she done about MC (nothing). What should I be doing, what does she want. And knowing I shouldn't ask. In that limbo land between MLC and Piecing.
