...Im doing ok, no word from h. Dont think i will for a while tho. He still checks my music daily but i havent been in any shape to really work on anything. Right now Im just following dr's orders and trying to work thru my medical stuff. My marriage and h are on the back burner right now. I never thought i would do that, but i really need to take care of myself and work thru this. When Im feeling better and gain some strength I will take another look at where me and h are and go from there. I miss him, but it's not painful anymore.
I cant really GAL right now, i just cant do much atm. I watch movies when Im awake and listen to music, talk to my friends. I cant really get around or get out. Gives me way too much time to think, when Im lucid anyway. Sometimes I just physically hurt so much I cant think at all. So I sleep. Not sure this was the way i wanted help in detaching, but thats how it goes sometimes I suppose.
I havent cried about him since last wed. I was expecting some word from him i guess. When I realized he prob wasnt going to call me, for whatever reason he has, I stopped crying. I cant worry about him, or his reasons, I certainly cant depend on him. So I will get myself thru this alone, and with the support that has been offered. Once Im stronger, I will see what I want to do. I still want my H back. I just cant put any effort into it right now. All my energy is spent on my own health.
I wondered if that was selfish of me, to put our sitch aside like this. I have a choice i know, I am choosing to take care of myself. Im in enough pain without causing myself more by expecting anything from him and being continuously disappointed. Right now, my health literally depends on it. Funny how things can change your perspective in such a short time, and open your eyes to what you were really thinking and doing, even on a subconscious level.
Letting go was so hard ... then my health went south and I HAD to let go. Im sure a lot of ppl here may not understand that. I love my H. As much now as I ever did. I just cant risk my health over him anymore.
Im just rambling I know, sry if its a hard read. Just a lot of thought in my head, trying to get them down and in any kind of order is a bit difficult for me right now. I will get better.
Im staying dark, if he contacts, then fine, but I cant hurt myself anymore by expecting some acknowledgment from him. Thats seems to be a common theme. We say we are going dark but want so much for our S to see that and instantly come running back. When they dont, we get hurt, and handle that pain in whatever way each of us does. If it builds up, then we backslide, again, hurting ourselves. They wont contact until they are ready, not when we are ready. I dont think he is thinking about me, or worried about me, he is distracted by OW. Im sure guilt plays a part in it on his side, but thats not my problem. I know I was very dependent on him for support thru my health issues. I believe that may have helped pushed him away. Im not excusing what he has done, because he really screwed up, but I can see how my own dependence may have scared him. Having a healthy OW is a lot easier than a sick wife. Wow. sry i laughed for some reason at that.
There IS progress in my sitch, i know this, he does check my music profile daily when he wasnt before. I take it for what it is and then dismiss it now. I have a dr appt this afternoon and will look in on you guys later today.
Thanks to everyone here for the support you have given me.
...Im doing ok, no word from h. Dont think i will for a while tho. He still checks my music daily but i havent been in any shape to really work on anything. Right now Im just following dr's orders and trying to work thru my medical stuff. My marriage and h are on the back burner right now. I never thought i would do that, but i really need to take care of myself and work thru this. When Im feeling better and gain some strength I will take another look at where me and h are and go from there. I miss him, but it's not painful anymore. 
