PLEASE HELP! - About to completely LOSE IT!!!

[aflowergurlie]

Well yesterday went along pretty much as if Monday night never happened. Met up in kitchen after H got home from work. H said friendly Hi to me first. I put dishes away and started some dinner while he sat at kitchen bar and chatted about his day and other odds and ends. Told me he forgot to tell me that he had given some of my homemade chicken soup to workmate/gym buddy last week and asked him next day if he had eaten the soup. H's friend said "Yes, and that was the best chicken soup I've ever had! Wow, she can really cook." H tells him "Yes, yes, she can really cook." Score for me!!! Even asked me how I had been feeling (meant physically) at one point.

Then while in kitchen with me still working in there H's phone rings and I could hear female voice on other end. He proceeded to stay there in front of me for a minute and talk and then went into office. I overheard a little of convo about him doing research for a car and about switching out vehicles. I'm assuming he is taking care of some of OW vehicle needs now as that is part of his career and what he likes to do for others as a nice gesture. (Has always done these types of things for me, family, and close friends.) I wanted to stop listening to convo or have to hear anymore, so I started humming to myself and then turned on the garbage disposal which is very loud and annoying. When I turned off, H was in his room with door closed. LOL.

I finished making dinner and took my dinner to my room and closed the door. Normally, as of late, I would have stayed out in common area and ate in LR or at kitchen bar. But I think I just needed some space and distance last night, coming off of Monday nights ordeal.

Interesting enough, H knocked on my door little while later and brought me a Reese's cup. I said "Thanks, but I really don't want it. Really trying to stay away from chocolate and sugar and that will probably just make me feel worse." H just laughed and said "You know you want it." H was dressed in gym clothes and before he walked out I asked if he was going to the gym. H said "Yes, do you feel up to coming with?" I hesistated and told him I really wasn't up for it and just let him go by himself.

I put Reese's cup back in fridge last night. Only saw him in office after he got home from gym and said good-night in passing.

This morning I got up and started making muffins in kitchen before he left for work. H came in kitchen and told me all about his gym routine from last night and about this show he watched. H saw Reese's cup in fridge and remarked "I guess you really didn't want that." Me - "That was really sweet of you last night, but I knew if I ate it I wouldn't feel good afterwards, but thank you again anyways." H also mentioned he was going to the gym tonight, but didn't invite me or ask me to come with (yet?).

I think I've come to some more clear understandings about what works with him and what doesn't work. For instance, the phone usage - I noticed that when I wasn't around as much/engaging him as much, he did more of the "in your face" kind of activity when I was in his presence, like staying around for a few mins when he was talking, and not leaving the area - more direct texting right in front of me. When I have been more engaging and doing more, being around him more, he tends to take it immediately to another room, started leaving phone in other room, even texted me at one point "about watching a movie, promise no distractions."

Part of our R history involves me pulling away, withdrawing, leaving him alone when he would want to engage, mostly as punishment from me because I wasn't getting my primary LL from him, QT, and would feel like I was just second best or a fill-in for him if he was bored and I happened to be around. So when he would want to give me QT or put effort in, I would completely discount it as F-that, why does he want to give me QT time now, I'm going to give him the same treatment he's been giving me. How's that in an attempt to give/show, receive/accept love?

I'm recognizing that he seems to respond much more positively to my being in his presence and actively doing things with him. I'm sure it's completely cake-eating at this point. But for the remaining time I have left here, I am going to put my best foot forward to be the best, most attractive person I can be for myself.

I see all the mistakes that I made on Monday night and note to self, I DO NOT WANT TO GO THERE AGAIN!