W wants to separate

[notagoodlistener]

Next update. I decided to swing by my buddies place I've never seen yet last night and hang out for awhile. We had a couple glasses of wine, some food and just hung out for awhile. I didn't call to let W know, which I probably should have. I didn't stay too long and got home a little past 9:00. W was mad I didn't call and snapped at me saying she was worried because you can usually set a watch by my actions (prob part of the issue). I didn't handle it well and said something along the lines that I thought we were separating, I didn't know I need to call you still, but apparantly I do. D was in bed at this point.

Afterwards she was heated and snapping at me for something else and I left the room got my clothes back on and as I was leaving she said she was sorry she snapped and I told her that she should be and that I don't deserve to be treated like that. I left for 20 minutes and came back and went to bed without talking to her again.

This morning after my workout, I came home and couldn't abide by the DB ways. I think I get torn between detachment and turning spiteful. But, it all just felt so stupid. I feel like I was trying to play mind games in the dating scene again or something. I mention that I'm probably just going to move in with these two guys I know for a month because it's cheap and no commitment after she asked again last night if I had any luck. I said I'll look another day but if nothing comes up, I'll go with them to get out of her hair. Then I mention I'm talking with an IC today. She said if I wanted she would call around some MCs today. I (probably stupidly) said, are you sure your ready for that. She was a little put off, but I said I was serious and she said that the sooner the better so all hope doesn't vanish basically. We talked a little around the subject. She said she was sorry she snapped, that she is still really angry and frustrated that it has taken this for me to initiate any change. It really hurts her and it seems like it took an inconvenience to my life to realize it. I said I understood and don't blame her and that we both deserve to just be treated better than snapping at each other like that. She teared up, I wanted to hug her sooo bad but resisted (probably the only thing I did right). She commented on D and how wonderful she was regardless of what happens to us. I think alot of the emotion was more towards the guilt of the effect on D and not us and I want to be realistic about that. I need to just try to be a better person an try to win her over a little. I read another thread on detaching that put another perspective on it for me. I can still do nice things, but I just can't pursue like crazy I think. I need to strike a balance. Part of the reason I'm in this mess is because I'm not thoughtful and selfish. I think pulling back would only reinforce that notion...

Tomorrow is our 5 year anniversary. We both work late. I'm still sending flowers to her work. It would just be the wrong thing not too. I'll probably make a little something too, which I don't usually do. I can get into this cold mode where I turn spiteful and my wife doesn't deserve that. Regardless of how things are going now, it is still our 5 year anniversary.

I'm torn on the situation of me moving out and her agreeing to the MC. She said she wants to see what it's like without me. I understand in my head, but my heart just say, no no no, she'll realize what a jerk you are and never want you back once you leave. I need to just go and respect her. That's when it's going to be tough to not find reasons to reach out to her all the time....I really hate this. Sorry for the fragmented and incoherant post. I just typed this up real quick and didn't proof it.

I spent all damn day yesterday on this site reading through. It's so hard to take my mind off it. Need to try and get some work done.