New here, this is my story...

[HelpMe!]

Thanks Sandi2.

It is no doubt, one of the toughest things I have ever done...and I know it could be the biggest accomplishment too.

I had feelings of jealousy today...and I'm the one who will be going out tonight and tomorrow. I hope to meet some friends out tonight and tomorrow is golf and then dinner with friends. Yet, I feel jealousy. I don't get it. I find myself wondering if she IS having an affair. I have NO REASON to suspect this, but boy, does idel time have a way of messing with your mind.

I'll continue to do everything I have been. I am aware of my moments of weakness and will do everything to keep myself occupied when they come as well as make sure I am not around my W when I have them.

I'm just really sad. I don't want her to think I am over her (I know, I DO want her to feel like that so she starts to get curious), but honestly...I don't want to make her feel worse. I'm not saying I am not going to keep doing what I am doing, because I do enjoy it, I'm not doing anything wrong, and if I am divorced in 4-6 months, I will be beyond the "starting point", but it makes me so sad to see her angry and hurt. She used the word hurt, not angry...I think that is what is sticking with me.

Thanks for the pick-me-up. I really appreciate it.

[HelpMe!]

Yesterday was fun...but last night was rough. Nothing happened, I just became more resolved that getting a divorce is NOT what I want.

I had a chance to golf and spend a second sunday without my kids doing something other than just sitting around feeling sorry for myself.

I am proud that I have gotten out, taken time to rebuild myself and take a break from being sad. However, at the end of the day, I realized that I didn't have my W to talk about the day with. I didn't want anyone else, but her.

She told me it hurt to see me doing things she always asked me to do. I guess that is good, right? I know I need to let my actions speak for me and stay the course. I have my father in law telling me that he agree's, but at some point I need to let my wife know that I am NOT over her and that I do love her. He said my actions can only speak louder than words if my W see's them and that by being seperated, she can't see them, and what she does see, she can interpret in differnt ways.

How do you balance this? We are supposed to be filing BY 10/23. Do I go through with it and not say anything? Act like I am okay with it? Or is there a point where I stop and say, "listen, I agree to do this with you because I know I can't make you happy, but I want you to know that I would prefer to try to fix our marriage one more time. If you are sure this is what you want, then we will go inside and sign, but if you are not 100% positive, then let's wait". Or something like that...

She emailed me as I was writting this to say that she has "heard" that I am seeing someone. Jez, small town...

I did reply to her and told her it was not true. I didn't embelish much, but I don't want her to think that I am seeing someone.

[sandi2]

Being sad is something that will take a while before you will not feel that way. You do what you can to beat it, but at the same time....you have to expect to have those feelings. Sometime, we just have to experience the emotion and allow it to run its course...if that is possible.

The evenings are tough b/c that is when you would ordinarly be with her and that is when it hits you the hardest. Maybe if you could find more to do in the evenings?

She told me it hurt to see me doing things she always asked me to do. I guess that is good, right?

I know it bothers you that she used the word "hurt" and that you don't want to see her hurt. That's normal b/c you still love her so much. But, I do see it as a good sign b/c she used that word instead of saying she was angry. I think she is noticing a lot and she cares.

He said my actions can only speak louder than words if my W see's them and that by being seperated, she can't see them, and what she does see, she can interpret in differnt ways.

That wasn't really fair of your FIL b/c this is something that is out of your control. So, that statement did not help your case any. It just made you feel bad.

Do I go through with it and not say anything? Act like I am okay with it? Or is there a point where I stop and say, "listen, I agree to do this with you because I know I can't make you happy, but I want you to know that I would prefer to try to fix our marriage one more time. If you are sure this is what you want, then we will go inside and sign, but if you are not 100% positive, then let's wait". Or something like that...

Well, I'm sure you have already told her all of these things, but if you feel that you could never forgive yourself if you didn't say it one more time....and that that would work better than her seeing a very self-confident man....then do what you think you need to do. But.....please don't say it until right before going in to sign the papers, b/c I think it will hurt your case. There is still life after a D and there would be a good chance that she would want to reconcile afterwards.

She emailed me as I was writting this to say that she has "heard" that I am seeing someone. Jez, small town...

Do you see this as her being jealous, or is it b/c of the lifestyle that you use to live?

I would ordinarly say that this is a great sign, if the W still cares enough to be jealous. I still think it is a good sign.....b/c if she didn't have some feelings for you....why would she care what you did? Right??

[HelpMe!]

Sandi2, et al.

I continue to do better each day.

I love my W, I really do. I've been asked by so many people if I am in love with my wife or if I am in love with the IDEA of being in love with my wife. Honestly, I can say I love her, and I have a list of reasons why; but does it really matter? Eitherway I want the same thing. We all know that love is not a state of being, it is a state of mind. You don't just fall in love and stay there forever without work. Even if I had to answer that question by saying that I am in love with the idea of being in love with her, I would still want to work on our R so that we did fall in love again...but I do love her.

As an example, it hurts me to see her hurt. I've hurt her and I understand that. However, when I think of not having the kids on Christmas morning, it makes me sad. But what makes me more sad is thinking of how sad she will be if she doesn't have them. I'm not saying I would give up that chance to have the kids on Christmas morning, but my concerns are two fold, my hurt and hers.

An interesting thing happened yesterday.

Our checking account was hacked, along with many many others. The bank is fixing the problem, but basically all of our money is gone. They should have it fixed today and I am not overly concerned; but we were on the phone talking because debit cards were being cancelled, etc...

I told her that all of my money for the next week was currently gone. She took hers out last week and put it in her new account. She said she had money left and we would figure something out. I told her I had to go and she said "okay, sweetie". Fruedian slip, I am sure. However, it felt good to hear and is something I haven't heard in almost 2 months. If nothing else, it means the anger has subsided enough that she left her subconscience guard down enough that it slipped out.

Last week she asked that I "help more" in selling our new house. I emailed her and asked what I could do. She replied that we needed a sign for the yard. We tried selling our old house on our own before listing it with an agency, so I got up from my desk, drove to the old house, got the old sign and took it to the new house and put it in the garage.

I went back to work and emailed her that I had just put the for sale sign in the garage. I didn't put it in the yard because she needed to let the kids know (she had them that week) before they just saw it in the yard after school.

Almost a week later, the sign is still in the garage.

These little victories give me hope.

I found a Japanese Proverb that really has a lot of meaning to me. I'll post that below.

"When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful"

I'm feeling good. I am still sad, but I don't cry myself to sleep at night. My FIL told me in an email today that he felt like I had reached a point where I was more teachable, reflective and able to make lasting changes. He said he hopes my W sees this, but eitherway, it is an important place for me to be, for myself. I do feel that way.

I start each counseling session with the statement "I don't want a divorce", but that is going to change. No one wants a divorce, not even my W. What I mean when I say that is "I Love my W and I want to fix our marriage".

I chose to be married to my W, now more than ever. I know that is out of my control. I am more able to accept that now. However, I want to be married to her more now than I did a year ago. I am sticking to the DB techniques and I do believe they are working. I modify them here and there. For example, I did tell her that I was not over her and am not dating anyone. I said that I am rebuilding myself and working on being a better person and a new relationship is not going to help that at all. My kids and myself are my focus. She replied with a "thank you, it isn't really my place to ask, but I wanted to ask rather than assume".

Each day is filled with moments of clarity as well as fog. I'm learning to navigate both. To see through the fog as well as to enjoy the view when it is a clear day.

[HelpMe!]

Today is our oldest daughters b-day. She is 11 years old.

We're doing dinner tonight as a family, I pray that I will be strong and make this about our daughter. I know we can.

It is so tough, on those days that you remember something specifically from your history, to get through. 11 years ago tonight was the happiest and scariest night of my life. 11 years ago this past March we found out we were going to be parents, in the next 7 months, we got married, started new jobs, bought a family car and a house and then had our daughter in October. For the next 8 years, things were pretty good. The last three they have been tough.

All I want is my family back. Divorce shouldn't be this easy, people should not be allowed to just give up. I don't want to give up, but am having a very weak day. It's been several days since I had a weak day and I guess I am making up for it now.

It hurts me to know that my W will be on her own tonight, after the party for our daughter, spending the night away from her. Thinking of that night 11 years ago when, in reality, our family started for two early 20s kids who had no idea what they were doing.

Things don't look anymore negative lately, no papers filed, but she says that we will by the end of next week. The house "for sale" sign is still not up, she accidentally called me "sweetie" the other day, but I know all of these things can be discounted as slip-ups or explained away with reasons other than her not wanting a divorce, but I gain hope from them, only to realize that her words still point to divorce. I don't want a divorce.

We haven't talked much this week, that is probably good, but I worry it just means we are both slowly but surely moving on.

It has been 6-weeks. 3 have been with me using the DB techniques. I know that isn't enough. I know that it will take more time, but do I believe in these "signs" as evidence that things are working, or just discount it as the normal process of doubt someone goes through before they ultimately do divorce?

[ClingingToHope]

It has been 6-weeks. 3 have been with me using the DB techniques. I know that isn't enough. I know that it will take more time, but do I believe in these "signs" as evidence that things are working, or just discount it as the normal process of doubt someone goes through before they ultimately do divorce?

About six weeks ago my W and I had the one positive R talk since we separated. We got a lot on the table in a 90 minute talk -- that she initiated for once -- and at the end I asked her what's next for us? She said we should talk on the phone once a week during lunch and take it from there.

I was so psyched. I started to believe again. Then ... she didn't call the next week. I asked her if she was busy and would call the week after. She said yes ... then she didn't call again.

The only calls were about official stuff, the girls, the house, her job and schedule.

Finally last week, I broke the DB rules and forced an R talk when she asked what I wanted to do for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year and in the future.

I told her I didn't want to think about next year because nothing has been filed yet. She said she would have filed by now if she had the $1,200 retainer.

That blew me away. Six weeks ago I thought there was hope and was taking comfort in the fact that although things weren't getting better still, they weren't getting worse.

Instead, she has been calling lawyers. So my friend don't assume that a holding pattern is a good thing.

In my case, I was hurt by the conversation, but felt tons better the next day. Limboland is getting shorter. I spent the rest of the week researching low-cost divorces to help her get what she says she wants.

Several people on this board have told me that in some cases the only way a WAS wakes up is to have the divorce in their faces. My W is going to have to pay me probably $20,000 out of her pension to divorce me.

I don't want the money. I want my family back. But if that's the way it's meant to be, I finally realize I will survive and thrive.

[HelpMe!]

Clinging to hope,

Thanks, I think :-)

I know that I have seen my W try to make me angry. She will throw little jabs out there trying to get me to bite (and in the past, I would have). But I don't.

I know she is thinking this means I have "moved on".

I did break the DB rules when I replied to her email about having a girlfriend (not true, no desire to even think of that). I told her that I was doing fine, but that there was no one else and there never was anyone else and there won't be someone else for a very long time.

I left it at that. I didn't beg, ask her to come back, tell her I love her, etc.. Just that I am okay, but basically remain married and will act as though I am married.

I think every situation is differnt. I feel badly for you...maybe your wife is just throwing jabs at you...trying to get you to act.

My counselor told me that far to many men get tired of waiting and actually file for divorce before their wife just to get it going. He said many of these men don't want a divorce, but they grow impatient. I'm not going to do that; but limbo really sucks.

I agree, I've told many of my close friends that reconsilliation or not, my W will HAVE to file for divorce, just to know that she can. I don't expect she won't file. I expect she will.

If I expect her to, it won't make it any easier when I sign that paper saying I agree to divorce her, but it will be easier than if I am expecting that not to happen. If it doesn't happen and I am expecting it, well, that is a good thing.

Hang in there, it is good to know that there is a support network here to lean on with people that have similar problems.

[HelpMe!]

Moment of weakness...

It continues to be a hell of a day. I just can't perk up.

My W and I had to meet today to purchase a new cell phone for our daughter (we had to meet because she needed a new phone too). It was tough to remain upbeat in front of her. I didn't fail miserably, but I wasn't as strong as I wanted to be either.

I excused myself to let her finish the transaction because it was tough to be there, looking at the woman I love, not wearing her ring and knowing that we are over.

I didn't tell her any of this. I didn't act sad. I said I had a meeting to get to, which was a lie, but I needed to leave before I did something wrong.

I did invite her to stop over after dinner to tuck the kids into bed and say good night. I don't know if she will accept or not.

I just want this to stop. I haven't broken any DB rules and I don't want to. Thankfully it is a counseling day for me tomorrow, and that will help; but I just want this to be over...but over the way I want. I know that means being patient.

Thanks for reading, just venting. Your comments help so much, so please, comment away.

[chatterbug]

HelpMe have you done something good for yourself today. Slow down. Take some deep breaths.
You should be happy with yourself that you did not say anything negative today. You kept to your DB rules. These are good things. Where you are the leaves are chanaging colours right ? Looks like the tree's are about to die. Right ? Can you still see the beauty in the reds, browns and oranges. Take your camera and go take some pictures of this. Cause you know there will be a few months when all those tree's will be lifeless. But they are not dead. They are still living. They will come back again in the spring. All those leaves that fell to the ground. Well they will help nurture the ground that the tree grows on. Next year those tree's will bloom again.

Take your time to process you thoughts. But remember you are strong. For yourself and for your children.

I am recording this as my good deed to a stranger for the day.

If you need to do one. You could send me 2 pounds of extra - sharp Wisconsin Cheddar. Mhmmm...

Take Care

[chatterbug]

I am also hoping that when you read that. You think. Hey I should take the kids out one day. Take some new pictures. Have a family moment with them. You 4 need it. Maybe if your lucky you will get a few good pictures to post online or if your really lucky you will get one that you can print and frame in the home.