Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

No, I do not blame myself for the GF. I touched on that story here somewhere, but in a nutshell she had some serious issues with herself and pushed me away. I let her have her space and then when talking to a mutual friend I was told she decided to strol in front of a train and that was that. Her mother assured me I was one of the best things to happen to her and that's what I took with me.

As far as where did I go? Where else was there to go? I started off in streets, then got mixed in with a crowd and stayed from place to place until I weesled my way into a job and went from there. The rejection from my family was just too much at the time so I knew I couldn't call upon anybody in the regard, so I winged it all on my own. [EDIT- And that is what is amking this all so difficult is XW knows first hand how hard I had worked to build up to where I was and just take it all away from me with zero regard]

I know the therapy is not going to be, nor certainly any fun. No, I did not paint my XW the saint, nor myself. I touched on her faults and mine equally. We did not get into my personal feelings of OM too much as she can tell that is a very sour spot with me.

I don't think personally think I'm giving XW 'power over me', but maybe from outside looking in that may be so. My rationale is that this would be w whole lot easier to get past in just knowing the whys. There are more than enough stories on here, much the same as mine, where the H finally realises that he was not supportive enough, caring enough, basically down right selfish in his own self, and I certainly fit that mold. However, I did nor do desrve the way this all came out. I do not deserve to be cut out of our kids lives daily lives completely and abruptly replaced the way I have been. In the thick of it all, XW should have known the kids were always my number one priority. Especially when S12 as she blantantly puts it 'isn't even mine'. {EDIT- And yet she cast me out like some of these real piece of work "fathers" in some of these stories]

Then there's back to the issue of parents. Since I never really had any, MIL and FIL over time grew themselves into that position. And now they're gone. I have no social network as everyone I knew sided with whatever story XW conjoured up to paint me the evil one. And as I've said, anyone who can side with her after all she's done is someone I don't need in my life, period.

It's a big mess, but, I'm going to soldier through it. Biggest challange right now is making it through Saturday. Then at next weeks apointment I'm going to address how to handle the situation when I pick up the kidsa s that's the only time my emotions really get the better of me lately.