UPSIDE DOWN - still struggling, trying to detach

[Eskimo Nell]

Thanks for your comments ladies. I discussed this with C last evening and she felt that it was probably not so - just more of the need to punish me and articulated as strongly as words could muster.

Thinking about it, H was talking a few months back (pre-bomb) about taking a course in assertiveness. Looking back on his actions, I wonder if his keen desire to achieve has assisted him to attain his goals and why his leaving was apparently done so very quickly ... I don't know how or why he was able to act so swiftly - I always struggled to get him to make important decisions and yet on this, he acted by himself and very, very fast. I also wonder if he did the course - though he never mentioned it, I'm pretty sure it would have been an on-line thing.

I'm also sure that he must have been in a lot of pain, though I can not understand why and I still can't get him to tell me. Evidently the carrot on the stick was the bigger pull but it does nothing for my forward progression or healing my head and heart. How can I resolve this issue in my own mind if I can't get him to verbalise what went wrong for him/us?? It's so frustrating.

I do believe that it's true in that they don't remember stuff that they have said. I have related things to H that he now denies - and then makes out like I have gone off!

I got an email from his folks last evening which I felt that I had to respond to today. I kept it short and sweet, injected no humour as I normally would, but purely answered the most of their questions, other than what was I doing with myself. I feel that it was a 'duty' email from them which they just added some 'love' for good measure as I had emailed them congrats on their anniversary.

A few months back, after I had responded to the in-laws email, H's sister got really upset and told me not to contact the in-laws again as it upset them too much. A big argument ensued and the result was that H backed my corner against his sister - which was really comforting at the time. Therefore, I copied H to my response to them this evening, so that there can be no 'he said, she said' and H knows exactly what I have said to his parents. H knew that they were probably going to email me as he mentioned it on Sunday.

H has no qualms about me being in touch with them and, of course, I deliberately steered away from mentioning H at all, other than to mention that he had been here on Sunday.

Very tired as we are now on hump day. The weekend can't come soon enough, surprised though I am to say it. I'm feeling emotional again today and have been fighting off the tears for much of the day. I'm out tonight helping a neighbour with some tax affairs and certainly am looking forward to my bed when I get home.

I find myself talking to myself in the car now and begging the Universe to send H home to love me again. I feel like I'm losing the plot sometimes.