Is this the end....or a new beginning?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey GAG,
Thanks for your kind comments, that really means alot to me..so I will try and answer your questions!

I am intrigued by the approach you used: " I always talked about bf in a vague way, with a big smile as though he was still in my life and all was cool". Did you do this even when you knew there was an OW?

What I did was.. I was very canny. I acted as though I was fully in the loop and we were still very close. Of course we were from Feb 08 - early August 08 and often in daily contact. We spoke about neutral things, music, films and..friends and family, NEVER us or our R (wierd, it was really wierd at the time after knowing him 13 years!). It got harder after that, as he stopped all contact when he started dating ow, but gradually the emails returned. He would tell me his brother had done x, or a mutual bachelor friend was now getting M, or his Mum was going on holiday etc.. so from these brief snippets, if I ever saw his Mum/SIL/BMF and W for lunch or afternoon tea, we would chat and they might say.. hey so and so is getting M and I would go.. YES! I heard that, wow, me and *bf* couldnt believe it, he told me how he met her... etc. Even if I literally only knew the barest details, I would act like I was in the know, I was still part of that world, that me and bf still talked as couples talk and therefore painting an image that we were still very much in each others lives.

Ditto, if they asked me about college say, I might drop in.. *bf* helped me wire up my sculpture.. etc. To make them feel he was ok with me. And yes, I continued to do this AFTER he started dating Helen and I knew about it (and I assume they knew I knew, but noone mentioned her to me, perhaps because they felt awkward, or were worried that they might be telling me something I didnt know!) In fact, his BMF W, who I was very close to told me after she didnt know if I knew as she thought I would be more upset so she didnt dare tell me (she always thought he had had a breakdown and WOULD come back to me once he got past it).

I also was canny enough to not do the above TOO much, I didnt want anyone to see me as some kind of nut, or bunny boiler. So I did it subtley. The effect was that people could see we were still close, that perhaps it was madness we were apart and also, they would tell him they had seen me and HOW GOOD I LOOKED. I heard that afterwards. I always made a special effort to look great whenever I saw anyone connected with him, smile a lot, be super positive, NEVER whinge or whine about him or what he had done. I had a few funny anecdotes of what I had been up to lately to make my life seem fun and going well (it was in bits, but not completely!) and I never ever mentioned other men. If anyone asked me, as his BMF once did.. I just flatly stated, oh no, I'm just concentrating on college nowadays, that takes up all my time...

The other important thing is, I was honest with a few people taht I felt it served to be.. like his BMF where we live now and his oldest BMF W.. these people were well aware that I was trying to win him back and they were trying to help. I didnt act as if with them, but I was still careful what I said, for example, I didnt tell them I still cried all the time, like a year after he had left me - I didnt want anything to get back to him that would compound his GUILT. As Jody told me too, guilt is the LBS's enemy! They both talked to him at times and tried to get him to unravel his thinking/feelings. You will have read this on my thread. They were on my side, but more to the point, on OUR side and the R. They were a HUGE help. I cant tell you how grateful I am to them. I bought BMF W a bottle of bubbly when we got back together to thank her for her invaluable help.

My H has been decreasing communication for the last 1-2 weeks.. Do you think that I should initiate communication?

This is a tricky one. If he isnt, he isnt for a reason. You need to respect that and give him what he wants - space. Its natural to worry yourself sick when contact patterns change, I certainly did as you saw from my thread! My Mum was good to advise me.. leave him be, wait.. be patient. What I did was, when contact stretched out, I would use the tinniest excuse to contact him, but did so then in a VERY light, neutral, chatty way so as not to spook him. I might keep it short, but friendly and ALWAYS tried to include some jokey remark or wittiscism. Looking back, it didnt matter if he didnt contact me for a day, week or month at times.. the end result was the same. He gradually came back around to remembering what he loved and wanted once the cloud of depression began to lift.

Jody and I planned the following for my lunch with SIL, knowing that everything I say will be communicated back to H:
1) Tell SIL that I expect that H has probably dated since the separation began. This is something that I understand occurs when people are separated. This will help to remove this as a barrier to H feeling too guilty about his dating OW to consider dating me again.
2)Forgiveness: I have found the separation to be halthy and personally enlightening. When I realized I was holding resentment to H, I took steps to release that. That has been my process for forgiving H for leaving me AND forgiving myself for doing the things that contributed to pushing us apart.

I wouldnt say too much.. my approach was always (as above).. to say very little.. START a conversation off, then pause, or trail off, or be vague and you find the other person starts talking and then .. YOU LISTEN. I used to say "..*bf* seemed a bit down the last time I saw him...and then.. they cant help it, its like they want an opening to talk to you (depends how close you are). So I dont thikn its so necessary to make these grand statements as above. You could mention, you are aware he may well be dating, that would be a typical scenario for a man, who has S from his W and you understand that.. and you could mention you have worked hard on it and you DO forgive him and are even grateful as it snapped you out of some bad behaviours and are much happier now.. but thats all, just keep it brief. You want them to talk to you. They will see with their own eyes the state you are in and if you are carrying yourself in a positive, upbeat way, that will possibly get reported back to H.

Sorry for the long post! Lastly, trust your intuition. I had some pretty mean comments on my thread at times, one lady even referred to me on her own thread as "crazy" and didnt I realise he was never going to come back? He was done with me. Well, I knew that was BS. I knew he still loved me, I was just getting disheartened because 18 months is a long time to wait to see if you were right!