Sandi - you are a credit to the boards. It's so nice to see things from the perspective of someone who's been on the other side.
I have read a number of things that you have written on people's threads that have given me a new insight and a different way to look at things. Thank you for that.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
undrdg, thank you for the great motivation! I wish it were that easy. although i would love to think the rings meant anything, i am unable to get that jazzed. now, it is true that over the past 4 months she has worn a band (not her wedding band) on and off and the change into her engagement ring and real wedding band are very noticable to me. I have not said a word to her. I question why she is doing it now. Maybe she just missed them. Of course a big unknown is what she does when she is away at her apartment. Odds are she doesnt wear them. No worries, no stress. That has to be something she wants to do for her, not me. But dont get me wrong, my preference is that she wears them, because it could be a positive sign.....
Spoke to s10 today to tell him about something and he says over the phone "you want me to tell mommy you love her, ok." now i said nothing of the sort, so I called back, spoke to W and reassured her that i would not use s10 in that way. She laughed it off and said it was ok, not to worry about it. that has been the extent of our communication. another 36 hours, then home. I hope we have another decent night on thursday. going to a church singing event together with s10.
Well, tired from my long drive today. Going to hit the bed.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Wearing the rings is definitely a positive sign, but you're right about not knowing what she does when she's not around. The truth is you never know what they do when you're not around, that is where the trust comes in. Unfortunately, these situations completely destroy the trust in a relationship. Although my situation isn't even close to reconciliation at this point, I imagine the when couples do reconcile the trust is the last thing to return (if it ever completely does).
Going to church together is good, too. Church is a community that supports marriage. Better to have those kind of influences than the kind that say "Do whatever you feel will make you happy".
M30,W40,SD10,D7,S6-T9,M7 Sep 6/09 7/09 - "Moving on with my life, you should too" My Story
Another day on the road comming to an end. Tomorrow I head home and get the kids in my house for the following week. Really looking forward to that. Have been realizing that the more I detach from my wife, the more I am capable of dealing with each day in a positive fashion. Yes, I continue to have my moments, but they are less frequent and less intense. Dont get me wrong, My love for her has not ceased. I do believe that should she clear the fog someday, that I will be interested in building a new marriage with her. However, I am also begining to see that the world is large, and should it not go in that direction there will be others out there that I will be able to form a good solid life with. Someone who respects me and respects what a marriage should be. What a change from when I first started here.
Off to find a pool for a few thousand yeards of swimming.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
What a sweet and encouraging thing to say Energizer Bunny! I have taken on a different turn in some of my advice lately since I saw the great turn-around in Puppy's stitch. I always knew that would work, but I held back from suggesting it....but no more. Of course, each person has to do what they are comfortable with. Thanks for being here for many people.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well this morning I had to attend a school sports event for s12 where I saw my W. LAst night she went to dinner with her family and then went off somewhere afterwards. Not sure where she went, or if she was ith OM. What I know is that she showed up wearing some clothes as yesterday, sick and what appeared to be very hungover. I was disappointed with her for that. Her kids should mean more to her. But, perhaps the draw of OM (or something else) is too much.
Although I did not directly confront her, I am sure she could sense my dissappointment in her. You can DB all you want, but sometimes, it just comes through.
One last note, today she was not wearing wedding rings. I had speculated that she was only wearing them around me, and today she only had one on the middle finger (Ironic?) As I have stated before (or ment to) if we were happily married I wouldn't care at all if she had them on. Its only now that I take notice. I did not mention it to her. Nothing to gain.
Kids take priority for me, so pumpkin carving today, church tomorrow and then bowling in the afternoon. Besides that, back to going dim on W. Seems that is the only way she takes notice.
I will see her again next Thursday night. We shall see how that goes.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
Thanks Sandi, but, we didnt need to wait too long. I feel the following is going to be filled with opportunitites from you, Coach, GIMA and others to beat me with 2x4s. I really need help and guidance.
I amde it through the afternoon with help from GIMA. Tonight, however, my s10 wanted to speak to mommy. So he called, and called and called and called. Finally she txted me to say she was at a bar watching the game and could not hear (plausible) so she would call beack later.
S10 asked to txt her, which is allowed and he asked her to come home (saddest thing) and then sent a long distressing txt to her.
she did not respond. I informed him that she loved her, but was busy. Then she calls back and yells at me for converting my s10 and s12 to my side. Something I have made sure not to do. i keep the party line "we have adult problems and we both love them very much."
Then..... backslide...she yells at me for letting him txt her and I tell her that she is his mom and needs to get her priorities straight.
Then I say the dreaded.,..... "Where are you?" Her response - "you dont need to know." (with OM at the game??????) who knows. She continued to rant at which time I hung up. She turned off her phone and the I left a message saying if were goign to build trust again we must be able to tell the other where we are only when asked.
Ok, I have battle gear on, please bash away.
I dont know what to do. My boys are both expressing there emotions in a big way with me. I asked them if they did this with her, and they said no, because when I am gone it is for travel. I can come home until work is done. She can come home anytime.
What do i do??????
I want to turn my phone off for the next 4 days. But I am not sure I can escape any conversation with her.
Go completely dark for the next week? I see her on Thursday. On Friday I have a chance to pull the mystery date (or real one)
I need help. Come one, come all bring your friends to bash and provide good constructive ctricisim. I do not want a "D"
Thanks -
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
I don't see the point in bashing you, sweetie, b/c you are beating yourself up as it is. You backslid and you see it, so just take a breath and learn from it. It is easy to do when it concerns the kids.
IMHO, going "dark" when there is an ih-house separation seems to defeat the purpose. I think that that particular technique needs to be done when the S is out of the house or it simply makes you look like you are angry and sulled for a few days. I think that is how your W would interpret it and your children. They don't know about technique and only read actions. I would however, exercise detachment and make sure I had plenty of things to do that kept me occupied.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, you are right. Remember, she does go to her apartment for 1 week at a time. That provides a little opportuntiy to go dim.
I did beat myself up last night. The only positive was that I recognized what I did (but only in a reactive manner.) I got caught up in the heat of the moment with the children. Today is a new day and a new day to GAL and be with the kids. Its sunny outside, so I hope that portends a good day.
Off to Church.
ME 41, Her 41 M 18.5 years T 19.5 years s - 12, 10 Bomb 7/12/09 Inhouse Seperation 7/13/09 - 10/1/09 She moved out 10/1/09 - present
