We finally made it home from Disney. W usually wants to drive some to occupy her, but when I offered, she said she was fine to let me do the driving, as long as I was not tired.
Before we left, we went to Downtown Disney and D6 and I picked out a Christmas ornament. W and I always did this on our Disney trips, and this had fallen by the wayside sometime.
We had a great day. Lots of joking and conversation between us. One thing I noticed (and have lately) is that whenever I say something and say one of the kids interrupts making it impossible for W to hear me, W always asks what I said. In the past, she would not have done that.
We stopped in my hometown on the way back today and had a quick visit with my step-father (who is the father who adopted me and raised me). My W has always gotten along great with my step-father. It was a pleasant visit. It felt, well, normal.
On the way out of my hometown, we dropped by a doughnut shop (we do not hit these often) to get treats for all of us. W ate hers, and there was a small bit of sugar under her lip. I reached over with my hand and wiped it off. She didn't pull away or flinch. I had forgotten just how smooth her skin was. Never had a chance to reach over to try to hold her hand, but that may have been too much too fast.
We continued talking the whole way home. W brought up her stp-father's birthday party that "we" would be going to in December.
Got home and got the kids washed up and to bed. Hanging out with W in the den.
Here's a question with which I could use some help. I took a lot from Dia's post about telling W about coming back to our bed - and doing so from a place of strength. Gist is I would tell W I wanted her presence and company in our bed, and nothing more for the time being. This way, I could let her know it is safe to return to our bed without me seeing it as a green light for ML. So, given where we are, is it appropriate to have that discussion now or should I let more time pass?
Good stuff GIMA. You might not be able to see it, but WE can.
She makes a comment that "we" should do something in Dec? GREAT!
She didn't flinch when you wiped her mouth? GREAT!
Lots of joking and conversation? GREAT!
You bought a Christmas ornament as is your family tradition and she didn't negatively comment? GREAT!
I agree with Dia about the bed thing. If it was me, I would word your invite something like this. "I know you may feel uncomfortable sleeping in bed with me again because you may feel like I may expect things from you that you're not ready for if you did. I understand that. I just want to reassure you that if you would choose to sleep in bed with me, I would not do anything you're not comfortable with and would not pressure you in any way. I just miss seeing your face when I wake up in the mornings". If she gives you a negative reaction, pull back and do NOT act angry in any way. Just say, "ok, just wanted to make the offer. No big deal" and drop it for now.
Or something like that. What do you think? Do you feel she's getting close to being ready for that?
Hope4us
Me - 49, W 49 S22 & S18 Dday 9/4/07 W claims NC 4/7/08 8/29/09 - Divorce Busted. Lots to work through, but we're going to make it.
That's a hard one, GIMA. This is one of those cases where you have so much more data than we do. And maybe it's not about whether or not SHE's ready. Maybe it's about what YOU need.
Write the words out for us? What would you say to her? For instance, when I read 'for the time being', it triggered my pressure sensors. "Oh, sure. And just how long is 'for the time being'??! What, so you'll wait til next week before pressuring me for sex?"
Not trying to be harsh here - just showing you how that phrase might look through the WAW filter.
And I agree about not letting her see even a whiff of anger or disappointment if she says No. I would respond with a nod, and "Ok. The offer's open" and leave it at that.
Last edited by Dia; 10/14/0902:35 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
The bed question seems like pursuit, but my view is colored by my own sitch where I couldn't entertain the question.
Cabbr.
M:49, W:47 M:22,T:23 S9, S6 W probable MLC Bomb: 4/09 In-house separation and Separate bedrooms since 4/09 EA busted: 7/09 W filed: 7/09 Kids unaware of D filing
I agree with Dia about the bed thing. If it was me, I would word your invite something like this. "I know you may feel uncomfortable sleeping in bed with me again because you may feel like I may expect things from you that you're not ready for if you did. I understand that. I just want to reassure you that if you would choose to sleep in bed with me, I would not do anything you're not comfortable with and would not pressure you in any way. I just miss seeing your face when I wake up in the mornings". If she gives you a negative reaction, pull back and do NOT act angry in any way. Just say, "ok, just wanted to make the offer. No big deal" and drop it for now.
Or something like that. What do you think? Do you feel she's getting close to being ready for that?
I don't know if she is ready for that. But, I don't know that I'll ever KNOW. She seems closer day by day. I really wanted to hold her hand today on the drive back, but just made myself stop.
I have a cold and have been coughing a lot. After my last post, she offered and made me a cup of tea - been having a lot of those lately. She seems almost attentive.
That's a hard one, GIMA. This is one of those cases where you have so much more data than we do. And maybe it's not about whether or not SHE's ready. Maybe it's about what YOU need.
Write the words out for us? What would you say to her? For instance, when I read 'for the time being', it triggered my pressure sensors. "Oh, sure. And just how long is 'for the time being'??! What, so you'll wait til next week before pressuring me for sex?"
Not trying to be harsh here - just showing you how that phrase might look through the WAW filter.
And I agree about not letting her see even a whiff of anger or disappointment if she says No. I would respond with a nod, and "Ok. The offer's open" and leave it at that.
Dia, no need to worry about being harsh - and I did not take it that way.
I agree I do not want to state anything about "for the time being."
I would tell her something like this: W, I want you to know that I would like it if you would return to our bed. But, I also want you to understand that I want you there when I roll over in the night and I want to see you sleeping when I wake up in the morning. I do not want you to come back to our bed for any other reason, and I will not pressure you for anything you do not want. Simply, I do not expect anything from you other than just being there.
And if she says no, I agree I cannot react in any negative way. Just say ok, the invitation is open if, and when, you are ready.
W, I would like it if you would return to our bed. I want you there when I roll over in the night, and I want to see you sleeping when I wake up in the morning. I will not pressure you for anything you do not want. Simply, I do not expect anything from you other than just being there.
I shortened it a bit - not like I expect you to memorize it or anything. I think fewer words sounds stronger.
Anyone else?
As far as "Is she ready?" - I'm torn. YOU are ready. And since it came up at Disney, the time is ripe. In my sitch, tho, we didn't go back to sleepig in the same bed until after a lot of other cuddling had been restored. My sitch is not your sitch, however, so the path may be different. (Sorry for the ambivalent answer.)
Last edited by Dia; 10/14/0902:59 AM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
I would suggest that you compare "snapshots" of where you are on the physical affection meter with W today, to where you were 2 weeks ago, to where you were 4 weeks ago, to where you were 6 weeks ago. That will allow you to see how steep the slope is on the "physical affection trendline" (kinda like looking at the stock market's performance for the past 6 months instead of the past 6 hours). This type of analysis may give you a different, "big picture" perspective on the progress you've been making. The changes in the day-to-day sitch are so gradual it may be hard to see the forest for the trees.
I would suggest that you compare "snapshots" of where you are on the physical affection meter with W today, to where you were 2 weeks ago, to where you were 4 weeks ago, to where you were 6 weeks ago. That will allow you to see how steep the slope is on the "physical affection trendline" (kinda like looking at the stock market's performance for the past 6 months instead of the past 6 hours). This type of analysis may give you a different, "big picture" perspective on the progress you've been making. The changes in the day-to-day sitch are so gradual it may be hard to see the forest for the trees.
GAG
No doubt on the changes being so gradual you cant see the big picture.
I do not plan to talk to her about this tonight, but will think about maybe in the next few days. I agree with Dia that given the weekend with it being brought up, the time is ripe.
I will say this. I do not think W would be offended or angered by me bringing it up. And, I think I can do it from a place of strength (as Dia said) so it does not come across as needy or as pursuit. I don't mean to sound cocky, but I feel I am past the pursuit thing. I do not feel desperate or needy.
I think fewer words sounds stronger.