Is this the end of my marriage?

[sandi2]

I know what your W is doing is horrible, okay? But, what I meant in the last post was that man I told you about....acted too quickly and before he knew enough about "how" to do things correctly. Sometimes, we don't get everything said in a post or two, so don't be so quick to act upon something this serious. You have to weigh every action and think about the outcome and how it would affect everyone.....not just you or not just her. I'm not saying "what" you need to do about exposing her, but I am telling you not to go tell EVERYONE b/c that is vendictive and you will come out being the bad guy. You have to take these matters more slowly or people will think you are trying to be mean and hurtful and might not believe what you tell them. One of our members has a saying that you need to remember....."strength and honor". Also, remember that she is somebody's daughter, and somebody's step-mother. Just be careful.

Another thing I want to warn you about is sending emails and TM when you are acting out of emotion. People rarely do the right thing when their thoughts are contolled with emotions. Wait at least a day or two before you send a message to her. Run it past the board here to see what the members think about it and may help you with the wording, etc.

[sandi2]

My plan, before coming on here was to send a letter to her work Personnel Manager, his Personnel Manager, their Union managers (as they are both Unions reps) and to also send a letter to EVERY business in my town (it's a small town) outlining what he has done and that he is not to be trusted. He will be looking for a job here so the more difficult i can make it the more likely he is to go back to where he came from.

And do you feel that this would be from a man who was showing strength and honor? Just what do you think these people in these businesses will do? Do you think that they are going to take you seriously? They will see you as a LBH who has turned into a jerk! Most businesses don't care what people do in their personal lives, but even if your W and OM lost their chances at a job, would it make "you" a better person? It will have little effect on your W and her lover.

You are wound up too tight and you need to at least read the DR book before you set out to see how much hell you can make for somebody else. It is one thing to bust an affair, but it is quite another to see how much revenge you can take out on the person who has hurt you. I don't think anyone meant to leave you with the impression that DR is doing that.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

[quote=Arwen_in_NJ]

PDT-
What sort of things do you recommend to "aggressively" do to bust up the affair more quickly, that won't drive the WAS further away & faster?

Inquiring minds wanna know... ;-) [/quote

I reject your premise. Until you're ready to risk the second thing, you can never effectively implement the first thing.

Puppy

[Arwen_in_NJ]

My plan, before coming on here was to send a letter to her work Personnel Manager, his Personnel Manager, their Union managers (as they are both Unions reps) and to also send a letter to EVERY business in my town (it's a small town) outlining what he has done and that he is not to be trusted. He will be looking for a job here so the more difficult i can make it the more likely he is to go back to where he came from.

and then there will be the lawsuits for slander, defamation of character, damage to reputation and interfering with his livelihood, and oh yeah- the inevitable restraining order.

[P17]

and then there will be the lawsuits for slander, defamation of character, damage to reputation and interfering with his livelihood, and oh yeah- the inevitable restraining order.

Okay. Message understood. There is no strength or honour in doing any of that.

I feel bad that my W has told various different stories to different people, most of them lies. I just want to make sure people know the truth. It's like she is allowed to say what she wants but I'm chastised (not by you guys but by her) when I do the same. I need to talk too.

I suppose it will all come out in the wash as they say.

I called her this morning to let her know that my D Social Worker (long story but it was the way I actually got fixed time with my D) said that my D has indicated that she is "sad" that she can't spend more time with my W. I called her and left a voicemail to let her know that. I did tell her that she is welcome to see the email if she thought I was emotionally blackmailing her. It was a bad call. It was done out of emotion. I'm not proud of it.

From now on I will do what Sandi2 recommends - wait at least a day and post here.

This is probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. It's like trying to run a marathon with no end flag - you're never sure if you're going to get there so you keep wondering if it's worth continuing. If there was a flag on the road saying '100 miles to the end' or even 'there might be an end' you'd keep going. To keep going though in blind faith sometimes doesn't make much sense. I suppose everybody goes through that.

I need to drop the rope, let the relationship go and move on. Only then will there ever be a chance of a reconciliation.

[P17]

This is probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. It's like trying to run a marathon with no end flag - you're never sure if you're going to get there so you keep wondering if it's worth continuing. If there was a flag on the road saying '100 miles to the end' or even 'there might be an end' you'd keep going. To keep going though in blind faith sometimes doesn't make much sense. I suppose everybody goes through that.

What I was trying to say, badly, was that there are no signals from her that she even still cares about me. I thought the noticing the boots, gym etc. was her showing that she is still 'checking me out' but as Puppy said, I'm reading way too much into it. If there was a signal that there is still something there then it would be so much easier. I just wonder how you guys stick it out for a year, 18 months or even 2 years when all the while you're WAS is living with and sleeping with somebody else?!!?

I think I've dropped the ball and handed her the power / control that I had back. When I get it back again it will feel better.

I really hope the books come today!

[sandi2]

P17, I haven't been on your side of the fense, but I know how hard some things are when you are being mistreated and you want your family & friends to know the truth. From what you've said, most of them already know what is going on and that is why they are encouraging you to D her. I want you to read the book first, and read some more on the board. There are a couple of threads here on the board about people's opinions of exposure, so that might give you a better handle on it. If her OM has moved into the house with her, I don't see where that would be very secretive and it seems that it would be public knowledge at some point. At any rate, try to rest your mind & emotions some and make sure you are stable before you do anything.

If you daughter is needing to spend time with your W, then that proves you have that R to consider. Your D is old enough that she should be able to put two & two together and see what your W is doing and that that is wrong. I'm sure she feels a lot of pain from your W leaving her. I just can't understand why your FIL would buy a house that close to you unless he was thinkng it would be instrumental in getting the two of you back together. Does he not know about the OM? That is pouring salt in the wound everytime you have to look that direction and see her house. I don't think that would be a good environment to think about continuing living there in the future. Maybe things will change and you won't have to deal with that part of it for a long period of time.

[P17]

P17, I haven't been on your side of the fense, but I know how hard some things are when you are being mistreated and you want your family & friends to know the truth. From what you've said, most of them already know what is going on and that is why they are encouraging you to D her. I want you to read the book first, and read some more on the board. There are a couple of threads here on the board about people's opinions of exposure, so that might give you a better handle on it. If her OM has moved into the house with her, I don't see where that would be very secretive and it seems that it would be public knowledge at some point. At any rate, try to rest your mind & emotions some and make sure you are stable before you do anything.

I will check the threads out and see what people have said. The books arrived about 10 minutes ago so I will start to read them tonight.

If you daughter is needing to spend time with your W, then that proves you have that R to consider. Your D is old enough that she should be able to put two & two together and see what your W is doing and that that is wrong. I'm sure she feels a lot of pain from your W leaving her. I just can't understand why your FIL would buy a house that close to you unless he was thinkng it would be instrumental in getting the two of you back together. Does he not know about the OM? That is pouring salt in the wound everytime you have to look that direction and see her house. I don't think that would be a good environment to think about continuing living there in the future. Maybe things will change and you won't have to deal with that part of it for a long period of time.

My FIL did buy the house there and he was hoping that it would give both of us the space we needed to work things out. He didn't know about the OM (as none of us did at the time) and when I found out and told my MIL she said I was reading too much into it and they were only friends. She now supports my W in what she is doing as she has done it twice herself. In fact her comment about adultery that my wife passed on was 'you haven't committed adultery, yet'. That just said it all to me.

I think my FIL wouldn't be best pleased when he hears about the way he has been completely conned. Then again they all seem to blame me one way or another anyway.

It is rubbing salt into the wound. I can't actually think of a worse thing for her to do to be honest. I am thinking about moving from here. Unfortunately if I do it will be back to where I came from which is 300 miles away which will mean giving up the time I have with my daughter and also giving up any chance of reconciliation with my wife as I would only be here 4 days per month. Part of me also thinks why I should move and not her.

You know something that has been bothering me, and maybe some other people can help out. When my wife told me it was over I took my wedding ring off. I briefly wore it around my neck but it's not in a drawer. I'm wondering whether I should put it back on or not ... I'm not sure why. I just have an urge to wear it and be proud of my M.

[P17]

I got a reply to my text of yesterday (about dating others) and my voicemail of this morning.

She thanked me for the text and voicemail. She'd like to see the email sent to me by my D's Social Worker to see what she suggests (although the Social Worker suggested nothing) and my W will bring her diary on Monday so that we can talk it through with me and my D.

That was it. Short and to the point. Don't know what to read into that if anything. It doesn't really warrant a response.

I actually get the impression by the 'tone' of her text (she usually signs texts with her initial), the feeling that she's kind of ignoring me and the contents of her texts that she has taken the hump / huff (not sure what you guys call it in the US). Her texts are usually kind of up-beat but the last few weren't. Again, maybe I'm reading too much into it but I'm not so sure.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sounds like she's DBing you.