Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Well that was interesting.

Psych starts right into "are you comfortable being here?", ummm no.

This one was just a 'background session', but none the less, those "doors" were peaked into and psych did not like what was behind them. We of course dabbled into the crappy lull of my existance thanks to my "parents" who threw me on my arse at the ripe age of 14, oh, completely forgot to mention my GF in high school who killed herself, then of course took a trip down memory lane of the last 12 years, especially the last few.

So once again I'm on 'suicide watch'. WTF? Why is it people can't deal with their own problems and not be labeled as potential dangers to themselves? I've 'endured too much traumatic experience'. Yeah, well it's called divorce. It aint supposed to be fun, anybody here have fun.

I did give a kudos moment to MWD, the book and especially the community here. I would have lost all my sanity a long time ago if wasn't for here.

None the less, she did get a bit deep on some things, and much like me, even in light of all I confessed, I did nothing to deserve where I am today. And that's pretty much the objective goal now. Since I will probably never hear the real reasons first hand from XW as to what the heck makes her think I deserved all this, we'll just have to try and figure it out.

And, as usual, psych was beside herself that after all this, I still love my X. I was beside myself when asked to describe her and nothing but all the good came flying out. Like all this has been some bad dream.

Uggh, this is going to be long road. But atleast the first steps up it have been taken. What good all of it will do? Don't know yet. I seriously don't think any good can transpire without the first hand rationale of XW.

Whole thing just makes me sick, literally. At least I was able to make all the way across campus back to my truck, got in and just snapped, cried like a little school girl. When I got in, my cousin asked if I felt any better, truth in the matter, no, I feel worse.