Please realize that I vent here on this thread sometimes.
When I am angry and venting, I am seeing (and therefore describing) only the bad sides to Mrs. Thinker. At the same time (while I am angry) she is often only seeing my bad side. Since I don't see that as clearly (when angry), I don't describe it either.
Anyway, I think we have each done our share of hurting recently. I do feel I got the brunt of it, but...
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Still haven't fully analyzed the anger Sunday/Monday.
A part of it was definitely self-inflicted. Disappointment, unmet expectations, self-anger at allowing my emotions to hijack me at several points over the weekend, misdirected shame at having been caught as the kettle calling the pot black a few times.
I think a huge chunk of it was anger and pain from having repeatedly opened myself up emotionally over the weekend, only to get wounded. Having opened up about some rather deep seated personal feelings, only to have them snidely shoved in my face by a person who hadn't opened up about a thing and who was (therefore) completely detached and unemotional. Especially when those underlying deep seated emotions are tied to ones childhood - brings out all sorts of old pain.
And I think a huge part was a release of 11 months of pent up stress. As a person who's main FOO issue is a childhood based fear of abandonment, living through 11 months of EA's and "I don't love you and may leave at any time" is real torture. The weekend was one more huge dose of that.
And the anger would come out of no-where - appearing in the middle of the night or upon waking up, so Mrs. Thinker's experience of it was me being silent and brusque, and on a minor provocation seeing me suddenly reach critical mass and go "Fast Neutron Supercritical"
I'm mostly back under control now
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One definite change over the past few days...
I noticed myself avoiding her over the past few days - just don't want to be around her. When she is getting ready to leave the house, I find myself trying to be busy and not between her and the door so there is no chance of a goodbye kiss. When she calls, I don't want to return it. I've gone to bed early hoping to fall asleep before she comes upstairs. I just found myself lying on the floor and thinking of a future with her - "I see nothing but pain. She's not capable of doing the work to change. It'll always be bad. I'm done. I should leave now"
...so who's the WAS?
Last edited by Thinker; 10/14/0912:18 AM.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
