Detachment

[kara]

Antlers

You asked how I got to the point where I felt like a third party watching a scene play out before my eyes?

I am not sure that I know how I got there. I just know I got there. I think it was after much prayer and trusting God to work it out in my best interests whether that was to be with my H or not.

I also knew that my focusing on the outcome I wanted was leading me to some unhealthy behaviours. I could not afford to slip back to the point where I was not eating, crying in the privacy of my office and engaging in pursuing behaviour. So, I needed to save myself from myself. I can be my own worst enemy in this battle.

I realise that one of my best strategies is to keep a cool head. If I do not detach I am liable to say or do something I will regret. I want to GAL and let things play out. Give my H no excuse to say I did X or Y which justified his actions. Give him space to hear any voices in his head which my doing or saying the wrong thing might supress.

Detaching was partly a conscious decision and partly evolving to that point. I determined that I would take my eyes off whatever my H was doing by GALING and getting tough mentally. At the end of the day this is a mental battle.

Detaching can come and go. At least for me. And it doesn't mean you won't hurt. I think anyone in our sitches must hurt or they would not be human. How can you not grieve over what you are going through? It means you say "I hurt but I am alive and I won't hurt forever". This is a survival tactic because that is what detaching is.

And I firmly believe that my future is rich. No matter what. Love is there and good things are there. For you too. So I can afford to let go if I have to. I prefer not to have to, though!

Not sure I answered your question but there it is.

[antlers]

Hello 25.

I'm not bitter 25, I'm just shocked and hurt and disappointed, and have a lot of other negative emotions right now.

We're talking nearly 20 years, and we're not in California. We're in Oklahoma.

She left our home last February, and filed on Oct. 1st.

I think guys who do what you've described above are a sorry sack of sh!t. I've worked hard, very hard over the years. I've built up a really decent retirement account, especially considering my income as as RN, and built up a lot of equity in our home over the years. She had nothing when we got together. She's driven new cars and lived in new homes since she and I were married. We took great vacations, and really lived a decent lifestyle because I managed our money so well, especially considering our income. I sent her to college and she got her degree in accounting. Now she has a good job too. My family and our future was my whole life.

I'm sorry that any member of your family had to go through this. I don't view it as a contest or a war...but people don't have to take advantage of the other party simply because the law says they can.

"There is sometimes justice but it may not be in your wallet..." - 25. Yeah, I get what you're saying, and that may be...but when I get detatched to the point that I want to, I want to be just 'that'. Detatched.

She doesn't have to take child support from me, even if the law says she can. She doesn't need it and hasn't needed it. I don't think we have spousal support in Oklahoma, but taking child support from someone just because you can and NOT because you need it is not to keep the State from paying for services...it's to increase that spouse's lifestyle and make 'it' better.

After hearing what I've heard from her, and having her file for divorce and being so resolute about things...it's hard for me to imagine there are things she'll miss about me. I DO trust you, just sayin' it's hard for me to imagine otherwise. And it's just as hard for me to imagine that I'll have moments in her heart and mind.

I know that I have to accept her choices and be on my way. Closing the door on all of the dreams and plans I had for she and I and our family is very painful, and it dredges up so many painful emotions. She is the one breaking up the family..do ya' really think she'll ever wonder or 2nd guess herself for doing that? Again, that's hard for me to imagine.

"And no woman is unmoved by the loving interaction of her children--with their own father." - 25. I've seen on this board where you've said this before...in fact, I wrote it down many months ago from one of your posts. There is much loving interaction between our children and myself...more now than ever before. I will continue to be the best dad I can...and it's nice to know that you think I'm irreplaceable. Thanks.

It'd be nice if she heard that voice in her head, but I can't count on it, or have false hopes. I don't intend to tell her the things you said to not tell her. The last thing I sent her was this (and it was shortly after she told me she was filing plus all the other stuff she told me then)..."I love you wife. In spite of everything that's happened and is happening, I love you. And you can't take that away from me. You can take the marriage--but you can't take what I feel for you." I felt like I needed to say that under the circumstances, wrong or not, so I did. I don't know if she'll ever figure anything out, or if she'll ever 'get it'. I just hate it that this is happening.

[antlers]

Antlers

You asked how I got to the point where I felt like a third party watching a scene play out before my eyes?

I am not sure that I know how I got there. I just know I got there. I think it was after much prayer and trusting God to work it out in my best interests whether that was to be with my H or not.

I also knew that my focusing on the outcome I wanted was leading me to some unhealthy behaviours. I could not afford to slip back to the point where I was not eating, crying in the privacy of my office and engaging in pursuing behaviour. So, I needed to save myself from myself. I can be my own worst enemy in this battle.

I realise that one of my best strategies is to keep a cool head. If I do not detach I am liable to say or do something I will regret. I want to GAL and let things play out. Give my H no excuse to say I did X or Y which justified his actions. Give him space to hear any voices in his head which my doing or saying the wrong thing might supress.

Detaching was partly a conscious decision and partly evolving to that point. I determined that I would take my eyes off whatever my H was doing by GALING and getting tough mentally. At the end of the day this is a mental battle.

Detaching can come and go. At least for me. And it doesn't mean you won't hurt. I think anyone in our sitches must hurt or they would not be human. How can you not grieve over what you are going through? It means you say "I hurt but I am alive and I won't hurt forever". This is a survival tactic because that is what detaching is.

And I firmly believe that my future is rich. No matter what. Love is there and good things are there. For you too. So I can afford to let go if I have to. I prefer not to have to, though!

Not sure I answered your question but there it is.

Thanks kara. I'm glad you got to the point to where you feel the way you do. I want to get there too. I think there's a lot to be said for trusting God to work it out in my best interests, and it being a conscious decision and an 'evolving' to that point, as well as GAL and getting tough mentally.

[rockedworld]

This has been such a helpful thread for me! Perfect timing. I have been struggling with what it means to detach, and for months have vascillated between the "desperately trying to win back" and "angry, fight for my rights in this situation" positions. Lately, I finally feel like I am getting to the detached position but it was defintitely going in the "I don't give a sh*t" direction and I knew that wasn't right. But, I didn't know how else to do it and I just can't hurt any more! I did not realize how much my self worth and identity had been tied to this marriage and I think I can finally work on letting go of that. But it has been so hard! I am going to re-read these posts a few times and let it sink in.
Thanks Coach et. al....

[antlers]

It occurred to me during my ordeal that being detached is similar to a R with a friend, which is very different than a R with a spouse. Although I care deeply about my friends, what they do and what they think just doesn't have power over my feelings about myself, at least not usually. That's the way I try to think about my W. That's detachment. I still love her and care for her, but she has her own life and I have mine. Her actions don't personally affect me. I'm in control of me.

I like that futureunknown. You're right, that 'is' detatchment! I'm so ready to be there. Your analogy sounds like a good, healthy way to be detatched. I'm gonna try to start looking at things that way too. Thanks.

[Gardener]

futureunknown & Antlers

It occurred to me during my ordeal that being detached is similar to a R with a friend, which is very different than a R with a spouse.

Friend: "A person who is always glad to see you and has no immediate plans for your improvement"

[25yearsmlc]

Antlers,

I understand your grief. I really do. I assumed you were in Cal based on K4's comments but that was erroneous. ANYHOW, I guess you are like my older sister who put her h thru law school and when his income was about to be in the 6 figures, he left her for OW...and whined about "how much" it all costs...and a month before my sister remarried, her ex h called to say he "gets it now", and knows he "F- up" and blah blah blah. Though I felt tremendous joy at this admission, it was short lived as I realized my sister's feelings were more noble. "How sad that even now, after all the damage the div did to the kids and me, HE is still miserable...that it took my getting remarried for him to wake up...if only he had realized this earlier..." PLEASE NOTE that my ex bil is very unusual in that he told my sister of his regrets. She's lucky in that sense b/c I know that 75% of divorcees report regretting their decision, 5 years after a divorce BUT how many of them told their lbs'ers? I have a feeling that very few actually admit it and not always due to pride, but "what's the point?" Or b/c they don't want to "betray" their new families or yes, b/c they're too proud or stupid or guilt ridden when they allow it, to admit they made a huge mistake that deeply hurt those whom they should most love.

Yes my older sister got screwed financially, but she is a happier woman now. That is all that matters even if my ex bil were also happy, which he's not. He is not in the equation and nor is your stbxw. Only you are in the equation of "Antler gets happy and enjoys his life"...you cannot measure your success in this by her failure... Nor can you ever know of her doubts and true feelings. Right now she thinks she's running from and to something...once she's arrived there, she'll reflect. I do have relatives who div only to remarry their exes later on (5 yrs later and 8 yrs later). It happens.

And I will say one positive thing for a divorce that can happen for some men...they become much closer to their children than they would have been otherwise. It's as if R talks and time spent "emoting and sharing" are often inadvertently left up to the wife...so when she's gone, the byproduct is that the father becomes much more involved and close to his children.
Hey, I'm not saying "YAY!" but I am pointing out the point you already made...you are being a great dad and that counts....

I knew your kids were not going on to the state welfare rolls, but am saying that's the root of the original laws saying "pay up whether you believe the CS is 'needed' or not" but you know, you could always put it into a college account if stbxw really doesn't need it....and I think the reality is that the court
will order it anyhow...and you don't want to look like you're being punitive in any way or selfish, etc. (I know you aren't but you'd be surprised at how courts can rule when the L for your w says certain things, etc) and they'll also argue that you could not have worked/succeeded as much in your career if your w were not caring for the kids at home thereby allowing you to work whichever shifts, or make certain career moves and or that you also benefitted from her getting her CPA b/c the life style went up for all, etc blah blah blah. I assume it's a no fault state? Won't her OM's income count for something there?

Hey I'm not defending her, okay? Just preparing you so you don't lose your cool in front of her if these things get said...If you can always know that you acted with dignity, in the face of anything that comes, that's worth a lot more than you may now realize...

Stay strong. This too, will pass. And you control ALL the realities in your new life as far as being happy. Her relative happiness/regret level is not relevant. Only yours is...and I think you will be happy down the road. How long it takes is up to you. Only you.
((( J- )))

[C-Bart]

This week away from home has taught me a thing or two about detachment. Kind of had an epiphany on my way back from dinner with my team; I know how to detach as I've been doing it for months. I've been detached from my job, my friends, my family. Its all about focus. I need to continue to shift my focus to things other than my W.

[antlers]

This week away from home has taught me a thing or two about detachment. Kind of had an epiphany on my way back from dinner with my team; I know how to detach as I've been doing it for months. I've been detached from my job, my friends, my family. Its all about focus. I need to continue to shift my focus to things other than my W.

Yeah, during these kinds of situations we tend to sometimes detatch from the things we shouldn't detatch from (like jobs, friends, and family, etc.) instead of detatching as much as we should from our WAS! Darn shame. We know how to do it (detatch), as you said...we just sometimes have the wrong focus, big time!

[antlers]

Hi 25.

I want to respond to you and I will. I just don't have time right now. Kiddos have been home with me because they have the flu and strep throat. They've missed 3 days of school so far. Anyway, thank you for talking with me and I will get back to you ASAP.

antlers