It's too hard sometimes

[TooLateForMe]

I dropped off my daughters. I had done something stupid, had told my wife I wasn't going to sign the paper to take me off of the lease. That was childish and I feel bad even now for saying that.

The truth is I feel an enormous amount of shame for leaving her and the girls. I realize now that YOU DON'T LEAVE YOUR FAMILY. You don't give up and you don't let stupid s*** sidetrack you from believing they are the most important people in the world. To sign that paper was to give up and walk away again. But I apologized and signed anyway, trying to make her understand how I felt.

She didn't care and, as is her tendency lately, steamrolled over everything I said. I felt anger coming off of my wife like radiation last night. She told me she couldn't feel anger now or let it take over her, that she didn't have time for it. But it's there. I agreed to stay late and watch the girls while she went out. I didn't think she should due to medical concerns (which are private), but didn't want to argue or force her to do anything.

She left, came back and said her car battery was dead. I drove her to walmart to look at batteries. The tension was like a cold, burning sensation. I did my best to be cheerful and supportive. I ended up giving her a jump and giving her my battery charger (which she had paid for). She accidentally stole my ice scraper. After the jump she left anyway. I didn't say goodbye, just walked back up to the apartment, plugged in the rechargeable battery charger and cleaned her kitchen. It hadn't been cleaned since I had picked up the kids two days earlier.

The apartment was a mess. Not terrible but the chaos was clear. She's crumbling and doesn't know it. I don't even have a job and don't know what I can do if she falls apart. I want to be there to help. Not so much to rescue her and win her heart, but she will blame me when things fall to pieces.

Driving back to my place I could just feel the wall she's put up. It was like being miles away while I stood right there in front of her. I wanted to hold her and couldn't reach her even when we touched. I realized there was no use spending time with her or talking to her. I don't want to feel that distance and the anger, to butt up against that wall over and over. I don't want to look into the beautiful face I love so much and see emptiness, regret and anger.

I can't do anything for that sad, angry woman. Not until she's ready.

[ClingingToHope]

I can't do anything for that sad, angry woman. Not until she's ready.

So true. When I'm over at the house I used to live and see dishes piled in the sink, clothes untouched for several days and such ... I wonder what she's thinking when she looks at that.

Today, she called because they are piling even more work on her. The problem is as bad as it gets, they might not reach out to us because that would show weakness or perhaps be admitting we weren't the problem.

My W is so stubborn I wonder if she'd admit that even if she went bankrupt, was spending each childless weekend on the coach watching B movies and taking antidepressants.

Everyone has different definition of being detached. Today, on the phone I didn't have this great urge to make things better for W. She chose her job over us and the family a long time ago. This is her mountain to climb.

Where are you, do you think, on detaching?

[TooLateForMe]

Detachment-wise, I'm tired of the wall. Not my wall, hers. Mine came down. I'm rediscovering the me that I left behind and trying not to make choices or do anything to "get her back."

I changed in the R. I want to have more discussions w/ W to get at what went wrong. Not to soothe her but to understand what went wrong with me. That's not going to happen, though. I just don't want to be around her until she gets through the anger and resentment. It's unappealing and works against the healing I'm trying to do.

[Gardener]

M A,

Driving back to my place I could just feel the wall she's put up. It was like being miles away while I stood right there in front of her. I wanted to hold her and couldn't reach her even when we touched. I realized there was no use spending time with her or talking to her. I don't want to feel that distance and the anger, to butt up against that wall over and over. I don't want to look into the beautiful face I love so much and see emptiness, regret and anger.

"For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle,
nor when fiery bodies lose their heat.
It lies panting, exhausted
expiring at the bottom of a wall it could not scale."
Richard McCoy, quoted in The Walk Out Woman by Stephen ands Grey

I lie there panting looking into (as I've said repeatedly on my thread) Cold, Dead eyes and an expression of utter disdain.
And you're right You (and I) can't do anything with that woman.

Hope I didn't bum you out. Just commiserating.

[TooLateForMe]

Not bummed out by that at all. Quite the opposite.

[TooLateForMe]

Detaching.

I have a strange, new confidence that I never had before. I don't know what's around the corner or how the myriad things that are askew will turn out. But I think I'm finally the man I've been trying for so long to be, or at least on the road to being that man. I accept my past failures and the damage I've caused. I feel, finally, comfortable in my skin.

Sunday was hard. I don't think I like the person my wife has become. I hope this isn't permanent. The whole time I spent with her I could feel anger and resentment coming off of her. It was small things, her body language, noncommittal replies, texting someone the whole time, not listening and asking to me to repeat myself, walking ahead of me in the store with very aggressive posture, etc, etc...

The wall is too big and I'm tired of throwing myself against it.

I will be avoiding contact. Not out of respect or to avoid saying something wrong or even to give her space. I just DO NOT want to talk to her anymore. I have no affection for this person she is now. It seems she is repressing a lot of feelings and will likely come out of this depression or whatever it is. But I can't be friends with her right now.

[ClingingToHope]

I will be avoiding contact. Not out of respect or to avoid saying something wrong or even to give her space. I just DO NOT want to talk to her anymore. I have no affection for this person she is now. It seems she is repressing a lot of feelings and will likely come out of this depression or whatever it is. But I can't be friends with her right now.

Good for you. You will actually feel better the less you see her and talk to her. I won't have to see my W until Halloween most likely. I feel better every day. I feel like I've been hiking for 13 years with bricks in my backpack and now the backpack is empty.

Good luck.

[TooLateForMe]

Don't know if it matters or if it's worth mentioning...

Found a job listing on craigslist that was right up W's alley. Sent her the link and she called. Let it ring then called her back. Was noncommittal on the phone then got off early. She seemed happy and chatty. I don't know if that was a good sign but trying to detach. I'm happy she called me but I'm not expecting it means more than what it is.

[undrdg]

Any contact to show her that you are detaching and getting on with your life seems like a good idea to me.
If she is falling apart that means that she is looking for someone to be there to catch her, or not, i don't know.

If you are strong and confident, she will lean on you without even knowing it. RIght?

[TooLateForMe]

The real storm has yet to come. She's starting Chantix to stop smoking. Last time she did that was this summer... when she kicked me out the last time.

Add to that definite hormone problems (potentially peri-menopause) and things might get really crazy. Could work to my benefit, especially if hormone therapy is prescribed. But I doubt it will help me. Most likely it will put the nail in the coffin.