Young couple in need of help

[sumguy27]

No you are right Stronger I don't want this person who has changed for the worst. I wan't the loving caring wife and mother of my childern back. That is who I want. I have to really listen this time. I really have to fight the urge and like everyone has been saying and just let go.

On another note she had called me this morning. She said that my son wants me. I get on the phone with my son and its silent. It just reminded me of the times I did use my son just to hear her voice. How he didn't want to talk but I did. I then told her I have to get ready for work and hung up.

In a way I have to take this whole experience in a positive note. Even though I'm walking through hell I have really changed. I know I have and I even have had friends tell me that I have. its only a matter of time.

[Stronger]

What you don't seem to understand is that you are dealing with another child right now. I don't think your wife really wants a divorce. I think she thinks she wants to do some things she never got to do because you both were so young when you had children and she's looking around at other people with less responsibilities and THINKS that's what she wants.

At this point, I would ask her to come over with all the bills and the two of you sit down and work out a bill schedule, who's responsible for what and be fair about it. Then you need to work out a child care schedule and if you both can handle it, family times too. Meaning, she has the kids on particular days and then you. Some do one week on, one week off. Some do particular days. Some do it weekly. Whatever. Figure it out and let her know you'll be only so flexible and will expect the same out of her.

By family time I mean, if you both can handle it and not act like immature jerks, you need to have something like Sunday afternoons for family time. At home, at Chucky Cheese, with other friends and their kids, but whatever it is, it's a NO FIGHTING ZONE and it's all four of you. It would be GREAT if the kids could see this. It's stability. And then this would be the time for you both to learn how to not fight and relax around each other. It's a great starting place. And right now, you need to start over. You aren't even dating yet. If this happens, you need to treat her like a mom you met at the grocery store and it's a play date. You would be cordial and nice and relaxed, not trying too hard to impress her. Get it?

When the kids are sick, all plans are canceled. NO going out socially, only work and both parents need to be around unless one is at work. Both parents pitch in because a sick child is hard. They need physically and even more emotionally.

But now, you need some order in your life, just like the kids need it. Too much chaos.

Stop texting her if you're just going to fight.

[sumguy27]

As of right now Stronger I'm going to have to wait a couple of weeks of NC with the wife before I approach her with that plan. What I have picked up from our morning conversation yesterday is that she is starting to see some of her faults. I have always wanted sunday to be family day. But the more she spent time with us as a family the more she kind of pushed us away for her own agenda.

Yes she is a child and I do see what you are saying about her. I don't think she wants a divorce also. She has said many times she is going to get our clans together but I haven't had a phone call yet.

I will wait for the next 2 weeks to talk with her about those things you have suggested. I think if I do it now she isn't going to reason with me.

[Stronger]

Ok, it's your time frame. But really can you go 2 weeks, NC?

[sumguy27]

I had done it before it when I was detached for that week. I'm sure I can suck it up and do it again. I'm trying to fill up my schedule for the next couple of weeks to keep myself busy. I mean we will have some contact because of the kids but nothing more then that. Also I guess I'm trying to find a female friend to go to a haunted corn maze or hay ride.

[Stronger]

Then you need to do it again.

Look Sumguy, your current approach is not working.

You need to write down what you two fight about. Be honest and make the list IN WRITING. Then for each topic you fight about, write down what happens. Then really really study it.

The next time she wants to fight about coverage for the kids, such as, she doesn't want to come get them for some lame excuse....like snow, you simply say this "You know what? That's a great point. I didn't think of that. I will handle this on my side. You be careful, talk to you later." And end it.

From now on, at the FIRST sign of resistance, you back off and say "You're right."

Let's try this and see what happens. If it doesn't work, we'll figure out a new plan. But you are trying to argue her to your side, your way of thinking. I'm not saying you're wrong, you're not. But it's not working. It's only making things worse.

Alright, do you understand your mission?

[sumguy27]

Stronger that is great advice. And that is what I need to do. As I was trying to not contact her at all got into it with her yesterday. She had again used another friends baby shower as a excuse to drop of the kids for me next week 2 days early. On a thursday instead of a the usual sunday. We got into it again. Threats about child support and taking them away from me again. I wasn't afraid this time of her threats. Instead I just re forward our conversation from monday to her. She didn't text back. I haven't contacted her all day today and since mid afternoon yesterday.

I'm going to have to do exactly what you said. What I have been doing isn't working. I need to do something that is. I know it was a big step for her to admit what she did but it seem like she already forgot about it on weds.

[MrBond]

The next time she asks you for something like that, before she gets into it cut her off.

Example:

W: I need you to take the kids two days earlier because I have a baby shower to go to.

You: Sorry, you agreed that when we corresponded it would only be about the children. As this doesn't pertain to them, you're going to have to hire a sitter.

W: What?! I'm going to get primary custody of the kids.

You: That is a matter for the lawyers to take care of. Please be aware that I have transcripts of all the conversations that show you wanting to leave the children with me all the time, so I would be careful about threatening primary custody. Have a nice trip.

Just like that.

[sumguy27]

Man yesterday was tough. Everytime I felt like calling her or texting her I had to find someone else to talk with or text. Made it 1 1/2 day with no contact. Now I need to make it to the end of the day. I forgot how hard this was.

[sumguy27]

Great. Today is a good friend of mines son's birthday party. He invited my son and I last minute. I don't want to contact her at all but I do want to take my son. How I'm I going to go about on this?