The hardest thing, no caring...

[Puppy Dog Tails]

All this after swearing up and down that she didn't want anything to do with other men.

btw, I have seen THAT particular line (or some very close version of it) over and over and over again. It's "script," and it's typical of the overreaching that often plagues liars. For example, rather than saying "I'm a strong proponent of investing heavily in technology," Al Gore says "I was there when we invented the Internet."

Puppy

[sumguy27]

Yup same goes with my wife. She had told me repeated times that there was no OM and why would she want to get into another relationship after 8 years? That she is much stronger because she made herself stronger. That there is no OM in her life. All a script until when I snooped and found out the truth. So yes like puppy says all cheaters are liars!

[LTD]

It's amazing how all these lines seem to parallel each other. The "I want to be strong on my own / need some space / the last thing I want right now is another man" line of B.S.

Then you find out it was all a smokescreen. I used to think that being unfaithful was the worst violation of the trust in a marriage. Now I see that the physical act (if it has occured), while quite disturbing, is only a small part of it. Just the thought of being intentionally deceived by your spouse will play rediculous games with your head.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Absolutely.

I was told early on in my sitch that I would get to the point where the sex wouldn't be the worst part. I couldn't believe that at the time, but it was true.

Eventually, the DECEIT was worse, and then -- eventually -- the DISRESPECT was the worst.

Puppy

[Gardener]

The line I got (probably co-written by IC since it uses therapy jargon) was
"I will not be stepping back into relationship with you or anyone else."

[brknheart]

I've been separated for 4 months now. It doesn't get easier, but it does get less overwhelming. My wife is also very prone to holding grudges (she once didn't talk to her mom for a year of our marriage). In some small way I take comfort in that...she snapped out of that, maybe she'll snap out of this too. Maybe your wife is similar.

Either way, the best thing to do is focus on self-improvement. Are you the person you imagined yourself being? If not, why not? What do you need to do to make it happen? Once you know, take action.

Yea, she holds grudges alright. I dont have a year to wait though, 4.5 more months and she can get a divorce.

Regarding W with OM, unless you have proof, your W is not seeing OM. It will eat you up inside if you start dwelling on it, when nothing could be going on. My W keeps asking me why we cant be friends after the divorce, is she had OM, why in the hell would I want to be friends with her?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Regarding W with OM, unless you have proof, your W is not seeing OM. It will eat you up inside if you start dwelling on it, when nothing could be going on. My W keeps asking me why we cant be friends after the divorce, is she had OM, why in the hell would I want to be friends with her?

If that's the way you feel, Brkn, why would you choose to be so cavalier about the cheating issue? If you'd go so far as to NOT BE FRIENDS with the woman you married, why WOULDN'T you do all you could to confirm the cheating issue?

I don't understand.

Puppy

[brknheart]

Regarding W with OM, unless you have proof, your W is not seeing OM. It will eat you up inside if you start dwelling on it, when nothing could be going on. My W keeps asking me why we cant be friends after the divorce, is she had OM, why in the hell would I want to be friends with her?

If that's the way you feel, Brkn, why would you choose to be so cavalier about the cheating issue? If you'd go so far as to NOT BE FRIENDS with the woman you married, why WOULDN'T you do all you could to confirm the cheating issue?

I don't understand.

Puppy

Ive done as much as I could. The next step would be hiring a PI, which would be a bad idea. If there is any chance of us getting back together, then that would certainly ruin it if she found out.

Regarding not being friends with her, I cant be friends with someone who gave up on a 9 yr marriage, 14 year friendship.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

A good PI isn't going to get found out. And there are plenty of things you can do short of that to find out.

I think you have your head in the sand, personally. If it doesn't make a difference to you, that's fine. But you've said a few times now that it makes a BIG difference to you.

I think you're in denial.

Puppy

[LTD]

Brknheart...I feel a lot like you in the not knowing if its a PA or just an EA. The fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter. Either way it's a betrayal. The question is how do you handle that betrayal.

I decided that even if it was the worst case, I am still open to reconciliation because I believe that it's best for the family and the vows we took (i.e. in good times and in bad...til death do us part) mean something to me, even if they don't mean much to her right now.

I thought about a PI, but what difference does it make? IMO, either you love her unconditionally and would be willing to forgive her for just about anything, or you don't. The one difference in the situations is that from your signature, you don't appear to have kids. Believe it or not, the hardest thing for me to forgive her for right now is the fact that the way she went about doing this, my kids don't have me to be a dad to them.

It is hard to understand someone giving up after all that time together. I do know that from talking to people who have been divorced for a long time that when the other person gets around to being honest with themselves they seem to have regrets...the problem is that it can take a long time for them to realize what they've done.