The hardest thing, no caring...

[brknheart]

I think the hardest thing for me in my separation is the feeling that my W does not care about me anymore. She left to live with a friend, I alone in the house taking care of things and our cats and dogs. She called me once this week to ask me for some information, nothing to do with whats going on. She didnt even ask how I am doing, how the animals are, etc. Maybe I should have asked her how she is doing? My W is known to hold grudges, cut people off completely from her life. I guess thats whats happening to me. She even told me a couple of weeks ago, "If you really knew me, you wouldn't like me." WTF?

[brownidmom]

"If you really knew me, you wouldn't like me." WTF?

This statement could mean a couple of things IMO. Either she does not like herself ~ we tend to project our own beliefs on others; OR, she is doing/has done something that she knows is wrong and doesn't think that she deserves for you to like her anymore.

Either way, you have to do you. As hard as that sounds, and believe me, it ain't easy, you have to detach from her. I am a glutton for punishment myself, I just keep believing it will go away one day or just change because that's how it should be.

The truth of the matter is that while we all have some responsibility in the messes that are our M, we have to let go of them enough to hold onto ourselves. I have lost my essence and I am trying to get it back. Don't let it get to the point where you lose yours. GAL and detaching are the best things you can do for yourself right now. Have no expectations from her at all! Yes, you love her but maybe she is right, maybe you wouldn't like her if you knew what she knows. It doesn't even mean that it would be a dealbreaker, but it might mean you need this space as much as she does.

Keep your chin up and pray.

BIM

[brknheart]

yea, it scares me why she is saying that. I know she hasn't cheated on me, makes me wonder what else it could be. This is the hardest thing ive ever had to do in my life... The loneliness kills me in the morning.

[pitinmygut]

hang in there! I have been alone for about 3 weeks now....my W left me all alone without her and my 1 year old son. It is heartbreaking, but I try not to dwell on it too much (not easy). Try to do things to take your mind off this situation.

[Fightin4mywife]

brknheart and pit,

I relate. I've been alone for 7 months and am still very much grieving. Sometimes the loneliness throws me into a panic. As a paramedic I always thought these panic attacks were more a mental condition but I now realize how real they can be. It is very disheartening to wake up one day and be totally dispossessed of everything you've worked for, for 25 yrs. Thats wife, kids, home, ranch, etc. I sometimes wonder if I shouldn't have let her have her divorce right off. Thus, even though things would have been more drastic it wouldn't keep lingering. But my conviction to wait on her has actually prolonged it. Now I wonder about that wisdom.

But of course I did the begging and pleading game for several months before I learned DBing. Even then it has been a very difficult transition. I am slowly GAL and learning to detach but in the meantime, God I miss her and the kids.

Hang in.

[LTD]

I've been separated for 4 months now. It doesn't get easier, but it does get less overwhelming. My wife is also very prone to holding grudges (she once didn't talk to her mom for a year of our marriage). In some small way I take comfort in that...she snapped out of that, maybe she'll snap out of this too. Maybe your wife is similar.

Either way, the best thing to do is focus on self-improvement. Are you the person you imagined yourself being? If not, why not? What do you need to do to make it happen? Once you know, take action.

[InPassing]

yea, it scares me why she is saying that. I know she hasn't cheated on me, makes me wonder what else it could be.

You do not "know" that. You only think you know that.
Unless you are with her every hour of ever day, there is no way you can "know" that.
The vast majority of people whose spouses moved out before the actual divorce, did so to be with a 3rd person. And a large chunk of those left behind, had NO IDEA there was anyone else even in the picture, until a ways down the road.

Sounds like she's giving you a hint there is someone else.

However, be warned, that the stupidest question asked by a spouse, is "Is there someone else?" Because the answer is almost always "no of course not". (and then they proceed to hide the affair even deeper).

I have not read of even one time, when the answer was "yes", when it was unknown to the listener.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

The way I like to put it, InPassing, is:

The problem is, if you ask them if there's someone else, and there isn't, they'll say "No, of course not."

And if you ask them if there's someone else, and there IS, they'll say "No, of course not."

Because all cheaters lie -- PERIOD.

Puppy

[futureunknown]

I thought it was impossible for my W to be cheating on me. We have three little kids, and when I'm not around, I knew she was with them. How could she be cheating? Forgot about this new invention called the Internet. Wonderful technology that allows old flames to re-connect and catch up with each other, from the comfort of their own home, with their kids running about. Once I found out the truth, I was shocked to see that each day while I was at work, my W was e-mailing, texting, phoning, etc with OM for hours on end. Even worse, it doesn't matter if that old flame is thousands of miles away, the Internet brings them right into your home.

[LTD]

Yes, I noticed immediately after we separated that my wife was suddenly Facebook friends with some of the guys from her past. I had gotten angry because I found a collection of pictures of the two of them she had saved. She also had a book of poetry he had given her. She swore up and down that it didn't mean anything to her. Then I see where she wrote him and said she was crying as she read the book and remembering his kind heart. Talk about a kick in junk...not only was she writing this guy right after we separated, but she had lied about it. Then I see that she's talking to a guy in the same apartment complex for a couple of hours a night. All this after swearing up and down that she didn't want anything to do with other me. When someone gets to that point, unfortunately you can't trust them.

IMHO all you can do is love them and hope they snap out of it while you focus on yourself and your kids (if you have any).