This is probably a stupid question. Is this normal?
The only time a question becomes stupid around here is when it gets asked over and over with the same answer being given each time. So...no, not a stupid question.
Yes, this is normal and as you know the increased drinking is only another failed attempt or quick fix to dull the pain and turmoil.
The cycle you see will be around throughout this crazy ride. I'm 6 months D'd and still see this very same thing. The more distant I am the more she pursues and tries to control.
You must stay consistent with YOUR emotions and actions. Reactions are no good here. Do for you first and then also "do more of what works" when it comes to her. There is a balance to all of it that is hard to keep but it's doable. These mlc'ers have tons of similarities but at the same time each one of them is a bit different, so what works for one may not work for another. Bottom line though is you must stay consistent, don't bounce around with her.
You have a wonderful perspective on all of this, and you know your situatiuon best. Trust yourself.
Doing well. Got back from practice a little bit ago. We lost again this weekend. We are so close and the boys deserve to win so much. We have 2 shots left.
Spent a few minutes with wife when I was picking up and dropping off S12 from practice. We joke quite a bit with each other now. I see the old wife in there at times and it helps renew my hope.
OK Drew, pull up a chair, grab some popcorn, here we go.
11/08 - Everything seemed to be fine then all of a sudden late 11/08, my wife came home to tell me she was pregnant. She said it was a one time fling. She gave me the ILYBNILWY BS and was going to leave. I talked her into staying.
12/08-1/09 - Wife decided to have an abortion. We talked and were going to work on our M. Of course, she gave me a laundry list of things I did wrong. Some I agreed with, some I didn't but I was going to make myself better for us. Things between us were going real well but 3 different times, she came home absolutely trashed and would say horrible things. I know now she was trying to get me to kick her out.
2/6/09 - I caught my wife in a lie and I called her on her cell. She was drunk and proceeded to tell me that it wasn't a one time fling but an ongoing affair with her boss(he's 20 years older than her). She said she loved both of us and didn't know what to do. She left the next day to think about things. She came home 2 days later and this is when I got the first inkling things weren't right with her. She would say things like "My brains feel like scrambled eggs" and "I have demons that I need to deal with". Things were rocky when she first came home. She would go from hot to cold within hours.
2/17/09 - I caught her in another lie. She was with boss. I got drunk. She called home and was fine until she found out I was drunk then all hell broke loose. In hindsight, she found something that she could justify her leaving.
3/09 - She moved in with a friend of hers until she could get her own place. We went to one MC session together and the cslr told her she was running from her problems and she had issues she had to deal with before we could even work on the M. Affair with OM #1 ends, she meets OM #2. OM #2 went to grade school with her.
4/09 - Wife gets her own apartment. OM #2 moves in with her mid-April.
5/09-6/09 - Wife hates me. We go 4 weeks of NC. Memeorial Day she attempts to go to MIL's with kids and OM #2. They tell her OM #2 is unwelcome. I get a text saying that it's my fault for ruining the relationship between her and her Mom because I'm so f'n perfect. She said she was going to see a lawyer. I stay quiet. Late June we are civil to each other, but contact is only by text. She makes the claim that OM #2 is her soulmate.
7/09 - On 7/8 I get a text asking for my DL #. I ask why and she says for court papers. I say, figure it out on your own. She went to one of those do it yourself places to do the paperwork. 14 weeks later I have yet to be served. Wife and OM #2 move into OM #2 mom's house.
8/09 - Wife and OM #2 get into a fight and OM #2 kicks her out. Wife goes and stays with MIL for a couple weeks. Find out at this time that she is pregnant.
9/09 - Wife gets her own place. 9/2 she has a miscarriage. She begins to show interest in me but then she also starts partying and doing the bar scene practically everyday she doesn't have the kids.
Thanks for the quick recap. So, how are you doing? Sounds to me like your doing good. Besides the Canes and football, what other things do you do for yourself?
Now, I have a couple more questions?
Do you know why she split from OM and OM #2?
Why do you think the MLC'ers love to text so much with the LBS? Are they afraid to talk to us?
I have noticed a change in my MLC'ers speech. At times, she sounds very teenagerish.
I'm doing well. I have some rough days. I've had a ton where I question whether it's MLC or if she's just done but then I chill for awhile and regain my patience.
Aside from S12 I have 2 daughters, 9 and 7. So I do a lot of things with the kids. A year ago I never thought I would be willing to watch Hannah Montana but now it's special time with my D's.
As far as the split from OM's. I have a theory. In a couple days a will post it. It's pretty lengthy and I'm sure there will be some people that will say I'm full of sh it but hey they're entitled to their opinion. In short, she has multiple issues she's dealing with. Each OM was used to deal with a specific issue. It will hopefully make sense when I put more detail into it.
By texting or emailing, they can keep any emotion out of their communication with you.
The speech is teenagerish because she is mentally a teenager. Sometimes you may witness younger ages. I along with her family watched her throw temper tantrums like a 4 year old on Easter. It was quite creepy. And even now she sometimes acts and talks like a 21 year old. Bragging about going to the bar and such.
That's great that you enjoy Hannah Montana. I myself have been watching a lot of Tom and Jerry lately with my son. Its amazing how you remember watching it as a kid. Now, my son is watching the exact same cartoon.
I look forward to reading your opinion on the MLC'ers OP choice.
I understand where you are going with it. I do believe they use the OP in order to deal with a specific issue. But, I look forward to reading your explanation so we can have a good discussion.
OK. I know the trigger and I know the issues my wife needs to deal with. My thoughts are based on things I've read here, things my wife has said, and from info from other people I've talked to.
Trigger - Friend(I will refer to as F) of ours died suddenly of heart attack in Sept 2005. A year later is when she started changing her appearance. F was ten years older than my wife. He was her youth leader at Church. She had known him for about 15 years.
Issue #1 - Grief from F's passing as well as unresolved feelings for F. Before I had met my wife and as she had become older, F had developed feelings for my wife. He mentioned on a couple of occasions that he wanted to marry her. As far as i know she did not have the same feelings for him. My wife said that I was the only guy that I was with that F approved of. It seems as though when we got married, F saw that she was truly happy and was able to move on. I think she may have had the what if feelings related to her having a relationship with F.
Before I knew of affair with OM #1, wife talked more frequently of OM #1. One particular conversation we had, I asked why she talked so much of OM #1. She said that she felt bad because the only reason he was her friend was because OM #1 reminded her in many ways of F. I think that she used OM #1 to explore and resolve those what if feelings for F. Once that was done, the relationship disintegrated.
Issue #2 - Emotional abandonment from when she was a child My wife feels, and from things she's told me rightfully so, that she was forgotten about as a child. She's the middle of 3. Her older sister was very rebellious and received all the negative attention. Her younger sister was the baby and received all the positive. My wife was lost in the shuffle. She went to the extent when she was in grade school to jump out of a tree so she would hurt herself to get attention.
I've been told the OP will be someone that they knew from the time period they are trying to resolve. OM #2 was a friend of hers from sixth grade and that's exactly how she introduced him to everyone. She made a connection because at the time they were mental equals. They were on the same wavelength hence her feeling that he was her soulmate. I think as she began to grow mentally, her image of OM #2 changed which hastened the demise of that relationship.
Issue #3 - Feels because she got married young, she missed out on the single life. Thus far no OP. At times, it's like she's a split personality. I see the old wife and then I see the immature 20 year old that just likes to drink and party. I think she will get to the point where she misses being part of a family and the partying will get old.
Obviously I'm not an expert on this stuff. Just some thought s that I had.
