It seems to be working.... sometimes #2

[kjensen]

Hi Sandycay,

When my H asked for a divorce, he says that was the very worst day of his life. It also was a turning point in that he started talking to me and opening up with me, just as the OW dumped him 2 days later...

Let your H feel the loss of what a divorce would mean. Let him "try" the feeling on and imagine how life would be different for you and him and him and your children. Validate his feelings, but make sure you don't 'figure this out' for him...
If he truly feels that a divorce is what he wants, let him do all of the work.

Be the woman he fell in love with years ago-don't change who you are, just accentuate the best that you are right now. DB as consistently as possible.

Our H's looking for that "spark" seems to be a pretty common theme. Hopefully at some point they'll realize that they are darn lucky to have us, as friends, spouses, lovers..the spark comes and goes in mature love. If they are continually looking for that 'magic feeling" they are still living in teen dream land...and have a bit further to go before they come back to us...

Be patient and don't think this is the end. its just a turn in the road.

[sandycay]

Well K

I would have thought he felt that loss before when he was out of the house for 6 months a year and a half ago. Now, there is No OW around and he has come to this conclusion without all that baggage. This is different feeling this time... think I should move over to MLC forum.... IDK if that is what he is or a WAS.

Anyway, thanks for posting, I know you understand.

[sandycay]

Interestingly enough, that is what my H told me when he finally said we were over a few weeks ago. That he tried to find the 'spark' but it wasn't there and I deserved to find someone whose face lit up when they saw me...

I don't have any answers for you, but I will be thinking of you! If I knew how to make 'it' come back, I wouldn't still be here...sorry.

It is a tough situation to be in. I think the butterfly feeling comes and goes in a relationship, that is just the nature of the beast. Someone once said the key to a long relationship is that you don't both fall 'out of love' at the same time. I guess that assumes you both will do so along the way from time to time?

OK I am not helping so I will jump off, but I am thinking of you and I am bummed for you, I have been rooting for you both.

You are helping ... I know you are hurting too.... it sucks, but the question is how to act now....

The end of the conversation went like this (it was about 8:pm)

H: okay....pppffffft I have rewinded the clock and we are back to 6pm and this conversation never happened, you want to go get ice cream with D?

M: uuuumm what?

H: I just don't want this conversation to have happened so let's back up and forget it.

M: uummm what?

H: Come on let's go get ice cream

M: (to myself)WTF and spank me now because IDK WTF just happened. I am sure I can forget the fact that you don't love me "like that" anymore and oh what's that you want to put in my va ja ja later or my mouth?.... I live to serve! Because like you said, there's never been a problem there.... Think I am being used.... do I let it continue or should I stop because obviously the emotional connection that goes with that is not there with him but is with me.

YIKES.. so many things to ponder.

[Silent Chrleader]

.....M: (to myself)WTF and spank me now because IDK WTF just happened. I am sure I can forget the fact that you don't love me "like that" anymore and oh what's that you want to put in my va ja ja later or my mouth?.... I live to serve! Because like you said, there's never been a problem there....

I don't mean to laugh in the face of your pain, my dear friend, but you crack me up!!!!

((((((((((BIG HUGS))))))))))

[Tomato]

just thinking of you my dear sandy. ((( sandy )))

May the Lord comfort you and give you courage and strength.

T

[BobbiJo]

I am in a similar struggle now, sc. My H seems to genuinely enjoy spending time with me, with the kids. Heck even without the kids, when we meet to do schedules, he always takes me to dinner first...

I am having trouble b/c I know myself well enough to know that I can be friends with H, but not "just friends", that is a hard line for me to walk at this point.

So, he basically just wanted to press the 'undo' button on the conversation? And just go on being married and act like it never happened? Hmm.........

[sandycay]

Honestly,

I have no idea. You know at some point conversation is pointless cause it goes round and round. So it really doesn't help if I press him to talk about it. He's here, he's gonna keep his promise that he will be here. Or.... I should let you go, not fair to you, I will never feel love again, I should go, I don't want to go, I am not going .. pick any answer and I have heard them all so on one hand I think if I keep talking it will press him to bale.

So my attitude now (all though my brain is obsessed with thoughts 24/7) is he is here today this minute and I can't worry if or when up decides to up and leave. I am going to be happy. So I got my game face on. (today) Was upbeat last night and went to the gym at 6:30 and stayed till 8 last night which I never do cause that's family time. He knew I had already run in the morning so that was different. I am trying something different. I folded clothes in the laundry room (usually do it in the fam/kitchen area) and guess who came to talk to me. Said I was going to the AFbase on Thursday to do a commissary run ... he says go Wednesday that way I can help you.... mixed messages....

I figure if he leaves ... he leaves... I can't control it but I can make it darn hard to want to leave this. I think that's why he hasn't left... I treat him better than I ever have and have done so for 1 1/2 years consistently. I think he knows and I know if he leaves again I am done...

The funny thing is I think he does need to be alone to figure out his stuff but the situation doesn't apply anymore. He can't leave again and come back. I won't do it.

Interestingly enough OW birthday is tomorrow.... I wonder if this is playing a role in his down spiral. This is exaclty the time of year it started to spiral down for him too. Although they were never "together" on her birthday.... see where my mind goes? I don't see any evidence other than his pull back of OW, his time is accounted for, he has no phone, but where there is a will there is a way,so I guess as long as he is in the no man's land I will have doubt.

[sandycay]

Thanks for posting guys... somtimes it's lonely on here.... the forum... that's why I am thinking I should go to another one. It's not like we are piecing.... we are barely surviving.

[BobbiJo]

You could come keep me company in separated...who cares if you aren't??

Or you could go be a newbie again.... Maybe not...

Will try to come visit you more. I know for me, sometimes coming over to piecing is hard. I want everyone to have their success, but when you are drafting divorce papers it can make you bummed to read about the people who are experiencing a second honeymoon. I wouldn't call it jealousy exactly, I mean I am happy for the people like you and Ali who have made it to the other side (although I know you are in a rough patch).

It is just kind of like going to weddings now. You see the people there with someone to dance with, to flirt with, you know they are not going home alone, and it can get to you...or get to me anyway.

I will keep cheering for you though! Like you said, he is there now and says he doesn't plan on going anywhere. So keep doing your thing and how will he possibly resist?

[Kalni]

sandy,
I thought you had stopped posting. That's why I didnt check on you as much as I should.

I am sorry you are at this point. If you love him, dont give up. Dont let him confuse you. As you said, this may very well be, his last chance... Stay strong.
K