Is this the end of my marriage?

[P17]

P17-
From your timeline, it looks like you've been in this for a little over 2 months. I believe I read somewhere that statistically most affairs end around 6 months. If you really want to divorce bust, be prepared to have a lot of patience!

I have been here for just over 2 months.

Your W may be in the middle of feeling the effects of a chemical "high" that might make her actions & reactions pretty irrational at times. Progress in these situations seems to come in slow, tiny steps- and there seem to be almost as many steps backward as forward.

The chemical high I can only assume is there just now. How she can pick the guy who is the total opposite of everything she actually finds attractive (thats not my POV but it is hers) can only be attributed to that high.

I have been at this 8 months now. I have decided that I am prepared to "stand" a whole lot longer, in spite of the well-meaning friends and family telling me that my W moving out this week will help me "get over it" and "move on". You will need to go with your heart as well.
Good luck to you.

The issue I have in my head is that she told me, quite straight faced, that there is no future for us, spends the day with me. But then, less than a week later her boyfriend moves in. I have the patience to wait, like you I have a lot of well meaning friends and family who tell me to divorce the b***h (their words). But my head tells me to protect myself legally and then just wait it out. Once I have the legal protection there is no immediate rush to do anything. I then have 2 years to DB before a divorce can be applied for.

Thanks for your response! I think maybe I need to just take this 1 week at a time as opposed to one day at a time. It will be weeks and months, not hours and days before it can even start to be resolved.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

This is all confusing me again. The touches that she allows, the sexual thrusting / brushing that I did last week (both of which my IC said were ME testing HER which was a nice twist on it) the support for my dancing class that she gave me (she thought it was great I was going), the noticing that I can now get into my suit trousers (as I've lost 30 pounds since we split and I had no idea she even knew what my suit trousers look like), she noticed I had new trainers and 'nice' new boots and the great time we have when we spend time together with my daughter (and it seems very natural and not in the slightest forced good time). That all says to me she is watching me, checking me out, looking me up and down and she is noticing these things. She also told me that a work colleague hasn't seen me at the gym in a while ... more checking me out, seeing if I have changed. I suppose these are at least tiny little good signs? If she didn't care, why would she even mention it?

Then she ignores me and doesn't text for a week at a time.

Is this s**t normal? Is this just more of the testing? She gives with one hand (nice boots), she enjoys the attention (she let's me touch her without pulling away as I would if the circumstances were reversed as it's inappropriate for me to be sexually pushing myself against her a$$ when she is involved in a relationship with somebody else) and then takes away with the other hand (ignores me) ...

Have to say I wept a little earlier. Haven't done that in a long time now. The fact I got no response from her just made me think she really couldn't care less anymore. Then I think of the above. Then I think I'm confused. Then I think I'm reading far too much into this. Then I get annoyed, p***ed off and start to get back to normal again.

. . . ARRGGHH ....

P17, you're reading WAYYYYY to much into EVERYTHING.

Relax.

It could be nothing more than the fact that waywards tend to get horny (sorry, but that's true), kwim? Or she could be cruelly teasing you.

Women will know when you date -- trust me. My wife just "did the math" basically when I:

- told her I "had plans Thursday evening";

- said "no" when she said "Oh, going to happy hour with (the usual group of guys I go with);

- said (name of pub, a good 30 minutes from our house and NOT a regular haunt of mine) when D20 asked me (and I figure her mother put her up to it, lol);

- colored my hair;

- didn't wear my wedding ring;

- suddenly changed my mind about NOT wanting us to date other people while we were separated, something that SHE had INSISTED upon up until that point!

I wasn't 50 minutes into having drinks with this woman when my wife started texting me, and then phoned me in tears. We've been on an upward arc ever since.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

btw, THIS:

How she can pick the guy who is the total opposite of everything she actually finds attractive (thats not my POV but it is hers) can only be attributed to that high.

is ENTIRELY "script"!!! It's very typical that a cheating spouse "trades down" when they select an affair partner, for a variety of reasons. From simple "variety is the spice of life" to more complicated ones like issues of control and dominance.

Puppy

[P17]

So basically, I go dark, sit back, date, wait until the A fizzles out, wait until her WD is over and then see where I go from there?

All the while playing it by ear?

Is that basically the script?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

That's one way to go. I'd also like to see you more aggressively do some things to bust up their affair more quickly, and would also throw in "establish (and enforce) some strong boundaries" to that, but yeah, that's one approach.

The other is to try to be her best friend, "win her over," rub her feet and generally kiss her ass. Personally, I've never seen it work, and it will probably completely destroy your own self-esteem in the process.

Puppy

[Arwen_in_NJ]

That's one way to go. I'd also like to see you more aggressively do some things to bust up their affair more quickly, and would also throw in "establish (and enforce) some strong boundaries" to that, but yeah, that's one approach. Puppy

PDT-
What sort of things do you recommend to "aggressively" do to bust up the affair more quickly, that won't drive the WAS further away & faster?

Inquiring minds wanna know... ;-)

[P17]

I'd like to know that too.

My plan, before coming on here was to send a letter to her work Personnel Manager, his Personnel Manager, their Union managers (as they are both Unions reps) and to also send a letter to EVERY business in my town (it's a small town) outlining what he has done and that he is not to be trusted. He will be looking for a job here so the more difficult i can make it the more likely he is to go back to where he came from.

As a further plan to that I intended to tell EVERYBODY I can about the A as nobody believes she is capable of it. I want to also hack her Bebo Page and Facebook page with the information of what she is doing. She continues to wear rings on her wedding fingers (not her wedding rings it turns out) so that 'people won't talk'. This is a small town, words gets around really fast. How she thinks she can keep it quiet when he's moved in is beyond my comprehension.

Puppy is any of this what you had in mind? I thought this would drive the WAS away further?

Puppy, what do you mean by "establish (and enforce) some strong boundaries" - examples?

I was planning on being her friend but I think that is more her way of letting me go more gently as she does nothing for that a friend would. I want to stay civil and have some fun when my D is with us, after that there is NC.

[Arwen_in_NJ]

Do not. Do not. Do not..

These things would make you look like a vengeful maniac, and would confirm in her mind that she was right in leaving you. Would you want to come back to someone who was behaving this way?

Have you read the books yet? Detach- focus on yourself-drop the rope.

[P17]

Books still not here. Hopefully tomorrow.

So what do you mean you'd like to see me more aggressively break up the A - what should I be doing then? Arwen_in_NJ is equally curious!

[sandi2]

As a further plan to that I intended to tell EVERYBODY I can about the A as nobody believes she is capable of it.

Oh my God! NO!!!! Don't tell everyone! There was a man here on the board that did that to his W who was in an EA and she left him. Settle down and don't you do a darn thing until you learn a few things!