Swimming, there is no OW right now. Want to know how I know? Because your H is a nut job right now. And you aren't the only person who is noticing. You want to be with him because of the wonderful history you share and your family. Another woman doesn't have that with him, so why bother with a new nutty guy? Why not go see about meeting a new SANE guy?
Yes, I think he is depressed and fighting a battle he cannot win on his own. I don't know how he feels about therapy...could you talk to him about that? My H is completely against it.
Keep up with the no reacting. Keep doing for you and the family and just keep moving forward.
Please please please forget the OW, she's now in the past and you and H have other things you need to concentrate on. She is nothing and never was.
So the way he is acting is not normal? I mentioned therapy to him..honestly if I made the appointment I am not sure if he would go or not. I deal with anxiety issues and he thinks (his words not mine) I am pathetic because I cannot control myself. Why do you think there is no OW? Last night, he came to me again..not D talk since Saturday. He said where do you want me to sleep and I said you can sleep here. he said I can sense you are annoyed with me and I said I am fine. then he said will you turn toward me and I said I am watching tv right now..he acted like a baby and said never mind I am getting up and I said okay..he came back..but then our D came down stairs, I went to lay with her and I feel asleep..this morning he was really not nice at all to me. I just do not know WHAT is going on..I know he does not love me and that is what makes this so frustrating and hurt..it is like this is a game and he is not winning so he gets mad..I know I need to detach but it is hard. Help!
Oh and what if by acting like this I push him away..what if he is the one that ended with her(if there was a her) and he goes back to her because I am not giving him what he needs..this is all way too hard!
Swimming- Have you read the DB\DR books? Pushing him into therapy if he is not interested in making an effort is not the way to go.
Seriously, you need to stop spinning yourself around in circles. Take a deep breath, and take a step back.
Perhaps you need to focus more on yourself, and less on what hubby is saying and doing. It seems to me that the color of your world at any particular second is totally dependant on his mood at the moment. That is way too much control and responsibility to give to another person. Would you find that an attractive trait in someone?
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
It's probably way, way too late. But one of the biggest mistakes couples make is putting a TV in the bedroom. The bed should be for talking, ML or sleeping.
Looking back, we didn't have a TV in the bedroom for the first six years of our marriage and our S life was much better then.
If you can get through this, get the TV out of the bedroom.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Alright Swimming, let's try some actual hard tangible tactics here. You analyze way too much and it's making you crazy.
I told you, I don't think there's any OW right now because your H is about as fun as a brick right now. Really, do you want to be around him? Is he Mr. Fun and Happy to you? You're putting up with his crap because you love him and you have a family and history together. Other women do NOT, so why deal with a man's crap if you don't have to? Why not go find a 'normal' guy with less baggage than your H seems to be carrying?
Make a list of everything you argue about. EVERYTHING and be as inclusive as you can. Then go back and look at that list and recreate the script that goes with each fight. After that, go back and decide what is the most OPPOSITE thing you could during one of those fights? Would it be to agree with him? Would it be to walk away? Would it be standing on your head? Figure out the biggest 180 you could pull during the next fight or tense moment and do it.
What you're doing now, not working so well in that you are going in circles.
First, thank you all for your advice. I have read both books and the LRT seems to be best for me at this point in time. The TV is in the living room, we do not have tv's in our room or the kids rooms not good for sleeping:) We were in the living room when that happened. I am def. not pushing him into therapy, I just made a suggestion to him because he said he was depressed sometimes but I said it is totally cool with me if you do not want to go, it is not for everyone. You are SO right, his moods effect me in so many ways and I do get nervous when I am alone with him because I am not sure how he will respond.
Honestly we do not argue..he does..when he is drunk. I just want to be respected, adored, and he has never cared if I was there or not. I just feel as if he has used me and that has been the biggest issue in our marriage..that and the fact that he is secretive...I did not trust him to begin with but I realize some of that had to do with the fact that I was insecure..I will take part of the blame for that. I will take the blame for nagging about him leaving..but only partly...because he has left me so many times, he always comes back but he has left me. That has really left me with this lack of security that families deserve esp. kids. I love him...I love the OLD him..I do not like this new him..when he is not drinking...he is who I could see spending the rest of my life with..but when he is drinking NO WAY!!! I will damage the kids..and I am not willing to sacrafice anything for that! At this point the only 180 I could do is to leave and I will not leave my house, I have already lost 40 lbs, GAL'ed for the most part( I had a life before) I stopped bringing up my ex best friend, I do not nag, I left HIM the night he left. I dont know what else I could do to shock him..I already walk away when we fight. I really am at a loss..he really DOES NOT LOVE ME..and that is all there is to it.
Oh and I know it may sound as if I am being defensive but I am not..I truely and sincerley appriciate all of your advice. When it comes to my husband, he is babied and I am NOT going to baby him anymore, HE is a grown man with a family and a wife and he needs to take responsibility for that. I deserved to be loved and appricaited. I am a good wife. I cook, clean, take care of the bills and make his life easy..too easy sometimes. I took him back 3 years ago when he was accused of being with my best friend, I made it very clear to him that if he ever cheated again that would be the end. I was too nice last time. I am ALWAYS too nice! I am a pushover but I do not want to be that way anymore. It is NOT okay to cheat. No one deserves that! No one deserves to be lied to..It is not okay to call someone names and make them feel bad about themselves..Sorry I am ranting but I am just saying all the things I have always wanted to say to him..like okay H you ARE NOT GOD!!! For too long he has been on a pedastool but NO MORE!!!!
PS..one more thing..If I said HALF the things my H said to me he would have been gone a long time ago..telling someone they dont love them..never did, they are fat,stupid, ignorant, a shrew, no man would ever love me, a horrible mother... I respect him and I love him which is why I have forgiven him for saying those things. We all say things we do not mean when we are mad..I am not playing a martyr here I am just being honest. I may have nagged but no one deserves to be told those things!
