Trying to save my M. W not really trying though.

[etrain]

I'm just starting to see my real wife too. 1 year and 4 weeks later. Yesterday we kiss each other and for the first time since the crisis days (aUG 2008) I feel HER real mouth again.
But I'm still wondering why is she still hiding those country music CD's in her night table? She always hated country music and I bet my paycheck that the OM has something to do with this. I'm obtimistic that soon she will get rid of those stupid CD's.

I really admire your dedication & patience, dgtal.
I'm only 5 weeks in & it's so hard to imagine this going on for another year. My mind can't even comprehend that right now. My W seems so eager to get out.

[etrain]

Holy crap! Just checking our bank accounts & it looks like W opened up a new checking acct & there a nice chunk of $$$ about to be deposited into it...must be the piece of her retirement she cashed in.
This feels all too real right now. The amount is much more than I expected & it's hard to see W changing her mind after doing this.
I'm feeling very anxious right now.

[Hope4us]

Holy crap! Just checking our bank accounts & it looks like W opened up a new checking acct & there a nice chunk of $$$ about to be deposited into it...must be the piece of her retirement she cashed in.
This feels all too real right now. The amount is much more than I expected & it's hard to see W changing her mind after doing this.
I'm feeling very anxious right now.

Don't panic. Even if she moves out, it's not the end of the world. This may be what she thinks she wants now, but things change once the reality of it hits them. She probably thinks life will be great, she can see OM all she wants without you interferring, but once she's made this sacrifice for OM, there will be a ton of pressure on him and there's no way he'll measure up to that expectation. And that's when the A falls apart. Especially if he cuts and runs now that you've told his W what's going on.

Listen E, I know how tough it is. I really do. But you need to let go of worrying about what she's going to do. You can't control what she's going to do, so why worry?

And this money doesn't mean she will move out. She could, but again, she might not. A year and a half ago, my W had gone to see a lawyer, was dead set on D, planned to only stay in the house until our son graduated from H.S. this spring, wouldn't let me touch her, slept on the couch, told me she didn't want me anywhere near her office or in our house for that matter and was saving money for her exit.

How are we now that the A has been over for a year and a half? We are doing fine. Still lots to work through, but we talk about our future, she tells me she loves me on a daily basis, she's told me she was sorry for what she did and she didn't know what the F she was thinking, she's back to her normal self.

I get what you're going through, and I know how hard it is, but try to GAL and not think about it every day. Just don't do anything to make the situation worse because right now, nothing you can do will make it better, but there's a lot that could make it worse.

KWIM?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. Maybe I'll start off w/ some personal goals. I don't think R goals would be realistic right now.

Oh, absolutely -- that's what I meant.

I set GAL goals for myself, plus 'to-do' things like meet with an atty, separate our financial accts., etc.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What Hope4Us said. ^

E, this is all part of the fantasy she needs to play out. She may go thru with it, she may not. She may just want to BE IN A POSITION to go thru with it, if she should decide to pull the trigger. In none of those events CAN YOU CONTROL IT, okay?

She will do what she will do. As SmileysPerson used to say on his thread, learn to just "smile and wave." This is a stage she needs to go thru.*

Puppy

*CAVEAT: so long as these are entirely HER funds. You SHOULD firewall your OWN, and your family's JOINT, assets, so that she cannot squander them on an adulterous whim.

[Hope4us]

I'm just starting to see my real wife too. 1 year and 4 weeks later. Yesterday we kiss each other and for the first time since the crisis days (aUG 2008) I feel HER real mouth again.
But I'm still wondering why is she still hiding those country music CD's in her night table? She always hated country music and I bet my paycheck that the OM has something to do with this. I'm obtimistic that soon she will get rid of those stupid CD's.

Give it time dgtal. Country music. Hits me hard. My W hates country music, but OM liked it so all the sudden she's watching CMT and all the country music awards shows. A year and a half later she again cringes when it comes to Country music (no offense to the CM lovers out there).

And she's slowly getting rid of her affair stuff. Still a few things I'm working on her letting go of, but I don't push it and I've come to realize, the less I push her on it, the easier it is for it to go.

For me it was a glass OM had bought her while he was on vacation with his W and kids. Nice huh. On vacation with your wife and kids and you buy your affair partner a gift. She also has her favorite pair of affair undies. She hasn't given them up yet, but they're buried at the bottom of her undies drawer and she knows not to wear them.

It'll happen. If she's coming back to you, the less you force her, the more she'll come back. And when that fog really clears, then you can piece your marriage back together.

[etrain]

I know. I'm panicking over something I can't control. I know I shouldn't think about it but I think about it every minute of every day. It's stupid yet here I am doing it.
Ugh. It just hurts to see W making such a large financial committment to get out of our M.
Every time I think I'm doing okay, something like this happens & knocks me on my butt again.

I don't know if this makes a bit of difference but she filled out the paperwork to cash in her retirement last Wednesday. That was before I confronted her about OM & contacted OMW so maybe things have changed since then. I just don't know.

I won't do anything stupid but I need to calm down before I get home. This rollercoaster ride is hell.

[Ready2Change]

Several ways I use to calm down:

1) Exercise - I bike, but walking does the same. I focus on "being here now" and just enjoy what I am doing/seeing/hearing/feeling etc....

2) I take several deep breaths. Enjoying the feeling. In through the nose out through the mouth.

3) Think/say to my self "Everything will be OK no matter what happens"

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Several ways I use to calm down:

1) Exercise - I bike, but walking does the same. I focus on "being here now" and just enjoy what I am doing/seeing/hearing/feeling etc....

2) I take several deep breaths. Enjoying the feeling. In through the nose out through the mouth.

3) Think/say to my self "Everything will be OK no matter what happens"

I like to figure out the worst possible scenario (outcome), and then visualize myself handling it confidently, and strongly. Once you face down your worst fears, you find you're very well prepared to deal with the medium-sized ones, b/c it almost always turns out to be better than the worst-case scenario you came up with.

Puppy

[etrain]

Thanks R2C.
Tonight is basketball night with the guys. That should help. I just need to make myself go. I've missed a few lately...mostly because our MC sessions were on Tuesdays and I was too upset afterwards.

I'm trying the deep breaths. It's helping a little. The 30 minute drive home should help too. I just get so much anxiety whenever something like this happens...the initial bomb, every time I'd found more "proof" of the A, every MC session, now this. And I'm sure there are a lot more major events yet to come.