Guys, fear? I am afraid of the unknown, with or without him. Dont you? Fear of "making it" alone? I can say no, without hesitation. Fear of him doing it again? Weirdly, not so much. Hurt because of the past? Yes, still a lot.
Confusing me? Actually my instict says to go ahead and try/do. So, I did. Laid out some specific things today and asked for an immediate response, max in a few days. If he agrees (which he did to some already), then I am doing it. If not, I am filing. I am NOT filing to reconcile. Nope.
I am holding on to myself. What I want and need. Who I am and who I want to become 5 years from now. Today I had this very clear vision of myself. I am holding on to that. I will go parallel to him and stick to my new self. If he wants it to work, he has some serious thinking to make and do some serious actions. It's all crystal clear and as I told him, pretty simple too. Sometimes in life, there is a decision to make, a yes or no decision. His decision is to figure out what he wants. If he wants me in his life as an equal partner where love and compassion and respect exist. If he does, the rest should be very very obvious to him and pretty easy too. It is a decision. It's time.
I am not a weak, troubled martyr any longer. I am in a better shape than years. Mentally and physically. A bit tired and fed up but still a lot stronger.
Dont worry about me. I am doing it my way. If it works, it will be great. If not, I will be ok. The uncertainty and the doubts will be there with a new guy or with stbxH. The hurt will be there. My goal is not settle with him. If he agrees (and that involves actions, not words), my goal is a good solid marriage where both of us will be happy. K
