Bunny, I bought the heels out of frustration of him always wanting me to fulfill his fantasy but just can't make myself wear them for him. I feel so 'slutty' even thinking about wearing them. I feel like he should be helping in making the M work first before he gets all that he wants. What about what I want. What about how he treats me or the way that he keeps destrying my things? I don't feel like making his happiness in the bedroom my top priority when he does not seem to make me his top priority.
Buttercup...I get what you are saying about greetinghim differently when he comes home. I use to hug him right away and told him how much I missed him when he had been away for a long time. Or when he was at home and would return from doing an errand, I would say hello or help him bring stuff in. After the first time he filed for the D and then after I filed for the D the second time, I know that I stopped doing these things. I really don't have a reason for why I stopped except that I guess that I did not see a reason to be happy to see him anymore. I feel betrayed be him and it is hard to put those feelings aside to give an I love/miss you greeting.
I know that my MC wants to know if I can forgive and forget and move on. I ask H if he could and he said that he knew that he could forgive me and move on. I keep thinking that he can do that because he knows that I did not do any of the things that he was accusing me of doing. I am having a hard time with the forgiving and forgetting theory. How can I? He hurt me so deep but I am suppose to let it all go and act like none of it ever happened? IT DID HAPPEN THOUGH!! It feels like he is getting off the hook too easy for the things that he has done. I think that he got off the hook before too easily and that is why he continued to do the things that he did.
I am just venting here. I think I am in a low mood cuz I have been home for two days with no one around me but my own mind. I am having a depressing weekend and a pity party by myself. I think I get like this when I don't have things to occupy myself with. I have bee staying a bit busy with playingon the net and working on Girl Scout stuff and watching TV but it only helps for a little while.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I bought the heels out of frustration of him always wanting me to fulfill his fantasy but just can't make myself wear them for him. I feel so 'slutty' even thinking about wearing them.
I'm sorry- I didn't mean for you to do anything you were uncomfortable with. Please don't do anything you don't really want to do. That just caught my eye because it's an easy one for me to relate to. I have the sexy shoes, I feel great in them and I love to wear them, but my H wants a whole lot more than just some stilettos on my feet in the bedroom. (Not that he's had anything from me for the last two months...)
People keep asking how much longer I'm going to stick it out with my H. I know it's time for me to get off the fence. At least my H isn't breaking my stuff or physically threatening me like yours is. That is so scary. You're worried about me, and I'm worried about you. Are you almost ready to go like I am?
Don't be sorry. What I ment was, I am not opposed to the idea of wearing them but I am opposed to the idea that once I fulfill this fantasy for him, just like the trampoline, then he is going to want more. Another fantasy will come to mind then he is going to say well you fulfilled the other ones. I guess I am afraid that, considering the recent past with the online porn and the sex texeting, that he is going to want more and then we will be back to where we started. I don't feel comfortable doing some things so I won't do them then.
I am not sure how much longer I can stick things out if things don't start changing soon. I want my M to work but I don't like the way the my H's anger has suddenly started to change. I don't like how he is destroying things. His answer is, at least he is not hitting me. Well that may be true but it is still abuse, it is still emotionally hitting me when my things are being destryed. I had to clean up the mess so my kids would not see it, not him. I am told to go buy a new vaccum and a new book shelf and he will give me the money for it. I feel like he should be the one to go buy it.
Either way he will be getting mad at me soon when I tell him that I am calling the vet about one of our horses. The horse is 30 years old which is very old in horse years. (it is about 70 in human years) and he needs to have more money spent on him than any other horse we have. My H thnks that since he is old that we should not put too much money into him. I say to hell with that and I am going to see to it that the horse is well cared for and that he gets treatment if he is having problems. Needless to say, the vet will be here tomorrow and I will tell hubby after it is over with.
Am I wrong with this? What does any body else say about it?
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
P.S. Bunny...I am giving it more time before I am readyto go. I don't have the money to go or a place to go. I have to get all my ducks in a row before I can do that. I hve a 9 and a 6 year old that depend on me for everything and I want to make sure that I have the means to support them if I do leave. I am just tryingto live day by day right now and not rock the boat too much. Which is hard to not to do with my hubby. Like I said in last post, he will be upset I called the vet out to look at my horse.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Horse had teeth problems just like I was wondering about. The vet helped to fix his teeth and a few days later, the horse seems about back to normal. I told H that I called the vet and his only 2 questions were what for and whose going to pay for that. Guess as long as I pay for it, he is fine about it.
I have been really depressed for a couple of weeks now. I don't knowif it's the weather chnage or what but I just feel down. I am not my usual self. I have been really quiet when I talk to my H about anything. He has asked me what is wrong and I tell him that I am just down but he does not believe me. He keeps asking if he should be worried about being served papers when he gets home next.
All about him as far as I can tell in his mind.
I think that i am just feeling low about lots of things. About my M I feel as if nothing has changed. Things are still the same and it's really not gettign any better. I have tried certain things to get nothing in return and maybe that is why I feel like I have hit a brick wall with this. I see my H's anger getting worse and most of the time I am told it is my fault for getting him angry. So I try not to be confrontational even though I know that it is not my fault that he destroys things. When I am not confrontational then i am being immature becasue I am just letting him get his way. He did not marry a woman that was a subservent to him, he tells me. Really, then why an I not allowed to say how I feel about something or say what my opinion is?
oh, well who gives a crap. It is the same old crap just a different day in my M. I think I am just aboutot give up DBing, and reading M books, and going to the MC. I think I should just live in a friggin hole and let my H do whatever it is that makes him happy. Who cares about what makes me happy?
Just venting and blowing steam.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
oh, well who gives a crap. It is the same old crap just a different day in my M. I think I am just aboutot give up DBing, and reading M books, and going to the MC. I think I should just live in a friggin hole and let my H do whatever it is that makes him happy. Who cares about what makes me happy?
No advice, lnI. Just hang in there. We've all had day like this .Keep venting and blowing steam.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
What does the MC say about H's anger issues? He obviously needs professional help on an individual basis if they're getting worse and worse. Please be careful, hun. Are you sure you aren't better off getting yourself someplace safe NOW instead of staying where you are for a while longer?
Thank you for your encouragement on my thread, and I hope this week goes better for you- Hugs, Bunny
MC does not say much about the blow ups. I am thinking that I am in the same boat as you, bunny, about having an MC the ignores the elephant in the room half the time.
My other problem with the MC is that we can only go about once a month or a month and a half. With H's work schedule, we have a hard time making appointments in advance and if we have to wait until closer to the time when we know H is coming home then we run into the problem that the MC may already be booked.
Since we started the MC in May, we have probably been there 3 times together, then I went twice without him, and he went once without me. We are not going enough to make a difference in my opinion.
Plus my H is starting to think that the MC is not helping us at all. I can agree to a point with this idea but I still think that without a councelor then we would be getting the D no matter what.
On a good note, my H has been in a better mood today. We were able to work most of the day together getting a little shed built for my horses. Only once we got into a disagreement. That was because he asked me to decide how i wanted something done. While I was deciding he walked away to do something else and it took him a bit of time. Since I was done deciding, I walked away to go do something else with a hay feeder. In the time that it took me to do my job (10 minutes)and walk back over to the original job, he had done it completely different. Anyway, we got into it a bit not becuase of what he had done but because he was blaming me. Said that I should have not walked away. I let him try what it was that he was doing and in the end it did not work his way, so he had to tear it apart and we ended up doing it my way.
Yes, I was smiling inside that I was right and he was wrong, but I made sure that I did not say anything to that effect and eventually he said that he was sorry that he had not called me over to ask me what it was that I had decided to do.
Chalk one up for me!!!
Went out for supper, short time at b-day party, then went road tripping on way home. Had a good night in all. I can only hope that it does not end there.
(Sorry it was a long post and a little bit of venting too)
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
Don't be sorry. What I ment was, I am not opposed to the idea of wearing them but I am opposed to the idea that once I fulfill this fantasy for him, just like the trampoline, then he is going to want more. Another fantasy will come to mind then he is going to say well you fulfilled the other ones. I guess I am afraid that, considering the recent past with the online porn and the sex texeting, that he is going to want more and then we will be back to where we started. I don't feel comfortable doing some things so I won't do them then.
If you are entitled to be who you are, is your husband entitled to be who he is or does he have to feel bad for having sexual preferences?
Would you rather her pursue these sexual preferences with another partner?
If you read what you posted, you are afraid that if you fulfill this fantasy with him, he is going to ask for more from you. Do you want him to pursue sexual pleasure with you? Is that a bad thing? Are his sexual fantasies a bad thing? Do you feel inadequate because he is asking you to do these things? Should he just accept you as you are? If you that is the case, consider who he is, if he is being honest with his sexual tastes with you, is that a bad thing? Is him being honest with you sexually with what turns him on a bad thing? Can he be accepted by you as he is which means accepting his sexual preferences? Does his honesty in this area scare you? Do you feel inadequate because he has these preferences?
Rob- Acknowledging your partner's fantasies without judgment is one thing, acting on all of them is another. Honesty in this area is of course key to a healthy R, and the ability to talk freely- but the dialog has to go both ways. I think that's where boundaries come in, and I learned that lesson the hard way. I let my H push me into going along with his sexual preferences and I got hurt in the process. I threw up the first time I went along with it, and it's gone downhill from there. (My first thread has a lot of details if you really want to know.) At this point, I'm not engaging in any sexual activity with H, and haven't for 2.5 months. I can't risk being physically intimate with him right now.
In summary- there are boundary issues when it comes to sexual fantasies.
