RR: The anger phase is definitely better than the weepy, depressed phase. I think that anger is somehow cleansing. But you're right, you will probably vacillate between the two.
I can imagine you were the best thing that ever happened to him. Strong, independent, and it scared the hell out of him. So he ran. He did not have a right to require commitment from you and not give back.
LOL...but I love that you hate his ugly car...
I think you are healing well. You are making sure you experience the emotions you need to. I read that as women, we tend not to allow ourselves to feel angry. I blocked that one out for a very long time, preferring to try to play the martyr, until I realized I didn't do anything wrong. So I am glad that you are allowing yourself to be completely pissed off! It is healing...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Still mad. And today I didn't look at traffic waiting for his drive-by. Didn't see him, don't know if he saw me. I think I'll have to text him about the receipts. It probably won't be a friendly text. It might start with a WTF! And I still hate his ugly car also. Previous to our breakup, I was going to buy him one when my car payments finished, which will be next month. I suppose I'm lucky he's gone before I did something like that! I'm saving for a down payment on property now and looking out for myself. Even he has a much fatter bank account than I, I had wanted to spoil him. He built out my new store 2 yrs ago and I wanted to compensate him for that with a huge treat. He doesn't even know I'd planned that surprise. He's allergic to spending money - something I needed to become also. Just before I got the cat that broke the camel's back, I bought him a big flat screen HDTV. I knew the cat was going to be a problem & wanted to sweeten him up a bit first. Also I felt it compensated him a little for the work he did in my store should we part households. I didn't anticipate a total breakdown of the relationship, but I was aware that he may move out over it. I did it anyway. I have to remind myself I was at the end of my rope over his crankiness during his illness. I brought about the course of events and didn't say anything or do anything to stop it from happening at the time. Accepting my responsibility, I am confused by my emotional reaction to the fall out. I didn't expect it to be so painful. Well I certainly didn't expect it to be permanent either. I thought I could manipulate the situation to my advantage. I never thought he'd cut the rope and move on. In my plan, he would move. Miss me, regret treating me rough. Want to see me. We'd heal our problems and carry on a happy relationship from 2 nearby households. It surely didn't go as planned! That's my lesson in assuming I had any control over another person. Regardless, I knew I was going to cause harm by getting the cat. And I still got the cat. {The cat is lovely, btw} So why do I have so much trouble dealing with the consequence? Why am I so hurt that he can easily walk away, even when I caused it? Just floating thoughts. Still mad at him today and somehow that feels good. Maybe it will burn away some of the emotion. In fact, maybe that's what he experienced early in the split and that helped him. If that's the case.... wouldn't it make sense that he would have to come back to the other side of this? If he were angry first- then doesn't he still have to go through the other emotional side of this? Regret, loneliness, missing me? Isn't all this part of the experience of a breakup? Or is it all burned away by anger and then you don't have to face the rest? Maybe I should have just allowed myself the anger from the beginning. It certainly feels more empowering.
Had a few brief text exchanges w/ him today. Not the receipts. But I can't find my mason drill and so I contacted him about it's whereabouts. He reminded me that it got broken during construction. I passed on a bday greeting to his son. He passed one on to my DD. Our kids' bdays are a day apart - his today, mine tomorrow. Last year we took them out for a fun family dinner at a theme restaurant and bought them a wii to share. We had a ball that night. I was ridiculously happy. {Sigh} I got the last text in.... oops. He had acted like he didn't remember her bdate as he said wish her blah blah when it comes. So I replied, well it's tomorrow. I'll have a teenager in the house, blah blah. Followed by...... Silence. I shouldn't have sent the last one I suppose. But he was firing them off so quick to me 3 or 4 in a row. I got a little excited and took it too far. O Oh. The anger is slipping away. Starting to miss him again. It's more like a weird mixture. Like I want to be near him, so I can smoosh his face and yell at him. {Not to be confused with smooch his face} I'm ticked off and on the verge of tears all at once. He does reply to my text. When he first left the house he didn't. Is it anything? I mean should I consider it a tiny step? It's so little if it's a positive. But it might be an eensy weensy step in the right direction. Or is it just that he feels obliged to give me quick curt response and it means nothing? Oh dear. Here I go needing the crystal ball again. Help- o
Lola, I'm coming back to your thread for a cocktail. You're having more fun than I am over here.
IT is a roller coaster...somedays you are fine and others you feel like screaming to God "kill me now!!!
But trust me when I say you will get a handle on your emotions. I have been told that any communication is a good sign. If they don't want to talk to you, they won't. Just relax and take it for what it is worth...at least you are talking.
(((Hugs)))
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Thx! I haven't been around much either. I texted him cuz I have more of his mail. He called me the following a.m. Don't know why the 12 hour delay time. But he seemed annoyed, had his tone of voice I heard him use with clients, was brief. It sounded like he's not happy. He wanted to come 4 it right away, but I was leaving the house. Told him I'd let him know if Mon worked. Which I didn't. I'll just wait to hear from him again I think. I peeked at his horoscope again. It said that he's become frustrated with a platonic relationship that he'd like to turn intimate. It said he wants to have sex with this person and he should act on that desire or he would become irritable with the person. Of course I want to interpret that as being ME and that he sounded cranky about the mail because he has to speak to me/ see me again and it's hard for him. Well, I can hope that's it. Why not?
I barely got a break from the apt searching and now I'm on to the high school search. It's just unbelievable. Some have a special test to apply, others have a different test then the specialized test. Some want essays, some transcripts, some portfolios, some auditions, some interviews. .... I have to apply for the specialized schools separate from the regular schools. This is a complex and particular process to get through. Then by mid Nov. I have to submit an application for 12 regular schools and have completed all 12 school's application requirements. Currently I have only 4 acceptable schools on my radar, aside from the special schools. There are over 2,000 and I have to tour enough of them to find another 8. If you don't choose 12, the algorythm won't work and you won't get a placement. Can you believe!? My schedule is full. My daughter has studio dance prep 3x wk before school to prepare for dance auditions, she has 2 2hr tutoring sessions every wk to prepare for the SHSAT test, she has a portfolio bldg class 1x wk, and 1x wk a class to prepare for visual arts programs, & is writing essays for a number of schools which require these for admission. This is like a full time job! It's really intense. People have warned me for years about it, I thought I was ready. But it's so intense & so crazy & way more than I imagined. The competition into the better schools is daunting. Like a school might have 2400 applicants for 120 places. It makes me wonder how many kids get screwed just because their families don't have time / inclination / ability to manuever through this process.
So that's what I've been up to. Don't have much time to dwell on my defunkt r right now.
