Went last night to meet my W to discuss mediation, which of course we hardly talked about. She asked what I want to do with this year's taxes, then I said I just assumed we'd be filing separately, then she said it might be better if we file together for the next couple years, then I said "W, we'll be divorced in a couple years." She got flustered and said "If you were trying to shock me, congratulations, it worked, now can we just talk about this?" I looked her dead in the eyes and I asked "W, do you want a divorce?" She looked sad and said "I don't know." I answered back "W, I don't want a divorce." And we were off on a HUGE R talk.
I effectively got the answer to "Just tell me and let me decide whether I can forgive you," although it got asked a bit indirectly. As soon as we broached the subject of moving forward, she said "There are some things you need to know so either you and I can continue to work on this, or you can just do what you have to do (i.e. divorce)." I said okay, she paused, then looked terrified and said "I don't miss you a lot of the time. I've lived for 10 months without hostility in my life, and I'm never going back to it." I said "You never should." We talked about that a bit, then I said "You actually didn't say what I thought you'd say" and she said "I didn't say everything, I just couldn't." She looked VERY terrified, looked at me and said "I can't, I can't hurt you like that". I knew what she wasn't saying, I knew from how she was terrified, and from the intel I got. She wanted to say "H, what I have with OM I never had with you." She knew from the look on my face that I knew what she wasn't saying. I thought our hopes might be over right then and there, but she hung in there and stayed with me, and to my surprise, I hung in and stayed with her.
We started talking about our M, and how we were both such bad partners. I told her how I used to pathetically think that as long as I didn't voice my disapproval about something, I thought I was being kind, even though my body language and attitude showed otherwise. She smiled and agreed completely that is exactly what I used to do. Then I said how it must have been repulsive when I'd then approach her for sex, and she sadly nodded.
Then she totally blindsided me. She said "H, you were married to the biggest loser of a W ever." I was flabbergasted, and said "What?!" She said "I was immature, and childish, and I always tried to maneuver situations into my favor." I laughed and agreed. This is an enormous move from where she was six months ago, when it was all MY fault. She said "I never would have been able to realize how bad of a W I was if she hadn't left." She said she doesn't know what came first, but she knows the way she was made my mood worse, not better. We had a little fun busting on each other's failings during our M, and laughing about it. I was a pathetic H and she was a loser W. Awesome!
Then it got more serious. I said "W, we've got a few choices in front of us here. Either we can just push ahead with the S and D, and get it done and get away from each other, or we can set it aside for now, spend time with each other and see what happens, or we can set it aside and get away from each other to see how we feel after a while. Or I suppose we can push ahead with the D AND spend time with each other, but that seems a little at odds with itself." She looked terrified again and said "If I go with a couple of those options, I'm going to have to do something... I'll have to cut a lifeline, and..." She paused and looked very scared, then said "I'm going to see MC later this week, and I need to get clear about what I want." I just nodded. She said "I'm not assuming that just because I want something that you'll want it too." The fact that she's even going to see our MC is incredible. The fact that she's openly discussing with me the termination of her A is incredible.
Of course she hasn't actually decided anything yet.
