Is this the end of my marriage?

[sandi2]

So dropping the rope isn't for the WAS, it's for the LBS?

It is for both. If you can get this picture of her in your mind and you are holding a rope that you've tied around her waist and she is pulling with all her might to get away while you are holding back as hard as you can. Suddenly, you drop the rope! What does that cause? Well, in reality she would almost fall on her face.....or at least stumble around a bit due to her pulling away so hard and suddenly not having anything holding her. She is so shocked that she turns around to look at you to see what is going on that caused you to let go of her. Now, she may feel relief, but she is also curious as to "why" and that is going to lead her to watch you for some clues. What she needs to see when she turns to look at you....is a man who is not even looking at her any longer. You are looking the other direction from her. You are not interested in what she's doing! If you are moving forward and living your life as if she is no longer a part of that life.....then she more than likely will get a little bit closer to see what is going on. All of this is human nature. Trust me about this. If...."if" she does not move a little bit closer to check it out....then it really is over and you might as well shut the door.

I understand the fear involved. Start with NC and work with that until you feel that you can do more.

Another question is whether the contact with me, my wife and my daughter can only be a good thing

How old is your daughter? This is going to be very difficult for you to have NC and then this "family" get together every time your W has visitation. Why do you have to be there? Why does she have to be at your house? Does this confuse your D or give her hope of the family reconciling?

[P17]

Trust me about this. If...."if" she does not move a little bit closer to check it out....then it really is over and you might as well shut the door.

I get the feeling that this is what will happen. But, what I'm doing now isn't working so it's worth a try at least.

How old is your daughter? This is going to be very difficult for you to have NC and then this "family" get together every time your W has visitation. Why do you have to be there? Why does she have to be at your house? Does this confuse your D or give her hope of the family reconciling?

My D is 8. My feeling is that there will be NC between the visits (which will be about once per week). I have to be there as I won't allow my W to visit my D on her own. My D's mother is also very much against this and without going into too much detail other parties are too. It has to be at my house as I don't want my D going to my W's new house especially while OM is there. We generally go out to be honest rather that stay in the house so it's not much of an issue.

I have told my D that it's over and that my W will not come back. To be honest I'm not sure if it confuses her or not but she seems to be fine about it and wants to see my W.

[P17]

Sandi2,

You got me thinking. Maybe I should stop all contact with my D and my wife too. I'm not sure if it's beneficial to do that or not. My thought at the moment is to ignore the text my W sent me about when she can spend time with my D and ignore her completely from now on?

When my W, my D and me all get together at least my W get's to see who I have become and how I've changed, the clothes I'm wearing etc. and we get to talk about life and the universe and it's actually quite fun. Not sure if stopping all of that will actually accomplish anything ... or will it?

Comments?

[sandi2]

Do what is best for your daughter. This is hard emotionally. It sounds like your child has been through a lot....so just do what is best for her, not the step-mom.

When my W, my D and me all get together at least my W get's to see who I have become and how I've changed, the clothes I'm wearing etc. and we get to talk about life and the universe and it's actually quite fun. Not sure if stopping all of that will actually accomplish anything ... or will it?

That is a valid point and you could do that. Just don't have contact with wife except when it concerns your D.

[P17]

You notify her so that you don't stoop to her level. If it were me, I would (and did) say something like "I know I've indicated before that I didn't want to date while we were separated, because I thought we should be trying to work on our marriage instead. But seeing as how you've already obviously moved on anyway, (and seeing as how you can't really work at a marriage when one person has invited a third person into it) I've done some thinking and I have decided that* it would be healthy for me to see what else is out there for me as well. As a courtesy, I wanted to let you know."

*these words were taught to me by Gucci in his posts here, and I really like them. Whenever you use the "I have decided that --" formulation, it shows decisiveness, strength and that you're individuated.

Puppy

Text sent earlier tonight. Thought it best just to get it over and done with.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Very good.

Let us know what the blowback is, and remember your mantra: "I really don't want to get into this with you; as a courtesy, I thought I should let you know what I'd decided. I would hope you would do the same if the roles were reversed."

Puppy

[P17]

Puppy,

Will do.

I doubt there will be any blowback or even response at all. I'll maybe get a good luck, or wish you the best or something like that but unlikely to be anything else.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Actually, "blowback" was the wrong word. I've got exposure on the brain lately, and that kind of vitriol is what you get when you expose.

No, what I would expect when you begin to start to date is a RESPONSE. It may not come when she reads the e-mail, which is just an announcement of your intention (I didn't get one then either); it may come when you go out on your actual FIRST DATE with someone else.

Just be ready for it.

Puppy

[P17]

No, what I would expect when you begin to start to date is a RESPONSE. It may not come when she reads the e-mail, which is just an announcement of your intention (I didn't get one then either); it may come when you go out on your actual FIRST DATE with someone else.

Just be ready for it.

Puppy

How will she know I've been out on a date though?

What reaction did you get when Mrs. Puppy found out about your date? How did she find out about it?

This is all confusing me again. The touches that she allows, the sexual thrusting / brushing that I did last week (both of which my IC said were ME testing HER which was a nice twist on it) the support for my dancing class that she gave me (she thought it was great I was going), the noticing that I can now get into my suit trousers (as I've lost 30 pounds since we split and I had no idea she even knew what my suit trousers look like), she noticed I had new trainers and 'nice' new boots and the great time we have when we spend time together with my daughter (and it seems very natural and not in the slightest forced good time). That all says to me she is watching me, checking me out, looking me up and down and she is noticing these things. She also told me that a work colleague hasn't seen me at the gym in a while ... more checking me out, seeing if I have changed. I suppose these are at least tiny little good signs? If she didn't care, why would she even mention it?

Then she ignores me and doesn't text for a week at a time.

Is this s**t normal? Is this just more of the testing? She gives with one hand (nice boots), she enjoys the attention (she let's me touch her without pulling away as I would if the circumstances were reversed as it's inappropriate for me to be sexually pushing myself against her a$$ when she is involved in a relationship with somebody else) and then takes away with the other hand (ignores me) ...

Have to say I wept a little earlier. Haven't done that in a long time now. The fact I got no response from her just made me think she really couldn't care less anymore. Then I think of the above. Then I think I'm confused. Then I think I'm reading far too much into this. Then I get annoyed, p***ed off and start to get back to normal again.

I really am not over her in the slightest. That's a bit of a shock to me as I did think I was doing well.

Sorry for the long post but I'm at the beginning of a very very long road and it's a difficult way to walk as I'm sure you all already know.

I wish the books would come!!! ARRGGHH Amazon ....

[Arwen_in_NJ]

P17-
From your timeline, it looks like you've been in this for a little over 2 months. I believe I read somewhere that statistically most affairs end around 6 months. If you really want to divorce bust, be prepared to have a lot of patience!

Your W may be in the middle of feeling the effects of a chemical "high" that might make her actions & reactions pretty irrational at times. Progress in these situations seems to come in slow, tiny steps- and there seem to be almost as many steps backward as forward.

I have been at this 8 months now. I have decided that I am prepared to "stand" a whole lot longer, in spite of the well-meaning friends and family telling me that my W moving out this week will help me "get over it" and "move on". You will need to go with your heart as well.

Good luck to you.